Category Archives: Uncategorized

5 Cops & A Virgin

My Diamond Doris,

I have improved my flower… Not a week has passed since my last letter. Thoughts of you would not let another second pass. I have just read the last letter I wrote to you. I want to apologise for my stupidity. I was not serious about the threats. I made fool out of myself and proved unworthy of your love… I hope this apology finds your heart like you found mine!

I have a head ache. It is not like any headache I have had before. It has been going on for 3 days straight now. It is not strong, so it is very easy to ignore it. My love, I might be dying.

My fuel light has been on since Thursday last week. I am yearning for drama. The thing just won’t stall!

I left the house early today for work… My alarm went off after when I was having breakfast…

On my way to work i meet about 6 traffic cops. It’s a very short distance to work, so 6 is on the higher ide. A random cop is always walking around the Kileleshwa Police station. Most of the time he is buying maize or just dizzily walking around thinking of all his problems… 2 are always at the Chiromo bus stop! These are the trickiest ones. I am coming back to these ones, my story lies there.

Another two random cops are always at the Westlands roundabout, one of them, more often than not, a woman… Spending your day in jail, as you can see, can be arranged with no effort… Lets go back to the two niggas at Chiromo cops stop.

These cops have piki pikis so there is no escaping these ones!

Scene 1 Act 1

I am listening to a gospel CD I just got. Something has always told me nothing goes wrong when you are driving and jamming to some praise and worship jams. That something has been right… Until today!

I get to Chiromo and I am pulled over! Normally when this happens, you quickly go through a list of what might get you into shit* before the cop gets to your window!

I go through my list… I was on the phone, I have no ‘life savers’, I have no idea where my spare wheel is, I have no clue where my driving licence is… I have never had an ID, I am not  wearing my seat belt, I can’t remember when my insurance is supposed to be expiring so it might have even expired! And my fuel light is on… I am not sure if that is a crime or not!

As is, I deserve a life sentence…

The man walks straight to my insurance sticker… He looks at it for a little while then walks to my window! My heart is now on the back seat… I am so lifeless!

“Fungua boot kijana,” he spits… I oblige!

I was in the shitter for sure!

The boot slams shut!

Then he comes to my window! I was waiting for him to read me my rights!

“Unafika Westlands hapo roundabout?” the uniform asks with no shame! I am currently in a state that does not allow me to be a bitch… “Ndio boss!” I answer… Praising him!

He walks to the co driver’s side and gets in!!!!


“Twende!” He orders… The balls in this man were just amazing!

I had graduated from fear to anger! I was about to hit a cop (exaggeration kidogo)

“Ebu rudisha volume chini kidogo!” He orders… I oblige!

My leather bag was placed at his feet… He takes it and places it on the back seat… I was going to ram into the truck in front of us and kill us both! He had reached the nerve that comes after the last one!

I can’t speed because some stupid truck in front of me and I can’t overtake because of… because… Wait, why didn’t I think of this?!

We get to Westlands roundabout and I am pulling over…

“Unafika Sarit?” he asks just before I stopped…

“Yezz!” I respond… “Haiya, tuendelee…” He mutters!

Just before we get to Sarit he spits, “HAPO!” I styop right in the middle of the road as the man ordered…

“Kijana, nani alikufundisha kuendesha???” He asks, disgusted…

I almost answered, “Your mother!”

I could not wait for this man to get out of my car… He smelt of bananas and spat like a platypus with every word he said!

I was right in the middle of the road and I was not going to move until this man came out! I had had enough!

The Platz behind me is hooting senseless! Which was more annoying!

The cop is rooted on his seat waiting for me to drive to the side of the road!!!

“Shuka!” I say! I have no idea how it came out… I thought I had said it in my head! The Platz behind me was stroking my last nerve!

The cop is now looking at me bewildered!

“Ebu nipe lizens!” he says sticking out his hand!!!

He had played a winning card!! I was screwed!

“Toka nikupe!” I was now seducing trouble! I was fuched either way!

The fool comes out! I don’t understand human beings!

Something told me to speed off… I did not!

“Sina hapa!” I answer!

“Nimechelewa. Niende?” I continue!

There was a tiny demon that was just going on and on!!!! I was being an idiot but I could not stop myself! It scared me! I was still in the middle of the road! The Platz behind me had managed to go round me… It stopped next to me and its windows rolled down to reveal an extremely unattractive woman. I couldn’t see her face but her silhouette was just irregular! She drove off…

“Bahati yako… ENda!” the cop spits!! I did not understand this one bit. I was being an idiot and he let me get away with it! Something was not right… There was a warp on the law…

OR maybe it was just my gospel music :)





Posted by on October 29, 2012 in near death, random, Uncategorized


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Dear Doris,

My undying love for you is obvious and evident. How are you my love? I have just got a call from some weird number that a man walked out of your house this morning… Baby, what is going on?

I have a lot of stories today, thats why I have written to you twice today.

This post might sound tribalistic but please be advised that that is not the case! If there is something you disagree with please let me know! This letter is about random things I have noticed SOME Kikuyu men do.

I am a Luo man!

The Kikuyu man:

(**please be advised that not all Kikiyu men behave like this**)

1. The gold* chain!

Gold chains are classy  and in many cases a sign of wealth!

The Kikuyu man: Please be advised that the brown chain you wear round you neck is an eye sore! If you insist that you have to have something around your neck, and you insist you have to use minimal funds, try a gold plated chain… I dont wear gold chains, so I might be wrong on this one…

2. The Mary Mother of Jesus Pendant!

Ok here I am going to graze the hearts of two vast communities; the Kikuyu man and those who wear these pendants!

I am a staunch christian and will not hate on other religions! But surely, that blue pendant does not go well with your already unpleasant brown chain! But you do your thing!

3. The un buttoned shirt!

Dear Kikuyu man, Its sometimes very classy to unbutton your shirt! By unbutton i mean the top button… My friend sasa ukitoanisha vifunguo tano utasaidiwaja jameniiii! Your whole unhealthy hairy chest cavity faces the world! Si hata wewe unaona sasa? Which leads me to my next point…

4. Your health

Rick Ross passes for showing off his unhealthy physique because of his money and spending it…

The kikuyu man; I KNOWWWWW you have money, probably more than us Luos. Ukikataa gym, wear something nice to cover that mess up… Then again, what do I know!

5. Your shirt collar outside your jacket!

I have noticed you dont like wearing ties! Is it just me? I am not saying you start now!

With your un buttoned shirt, you lay your wild shirt collar on your jacket giving the public plain view of the dirt on the lining of your collar! Plus it looks terrible! Always have your shirt collar inside your jacket! OR WEAR A TIE!

6′ The phone pouch strapped to your belt!

Ok even my dad does this! I DO NOT APPROVE! It was cool at some point, if you use original products, it might still pass… But those maasai phone pouches dont work! Ai! Hapana! You look like you are walking around with a dagger!

7. Your ringtone

Sir, why do you go for the worst ringtone on your phone system!?! Simple trick, use the phones default ringtone. It might not be melodious to the hearing organs but it might pass… Like if you have a nokia, use the turururu turururu turururu ruuuu tone! it’s a classic.

8. Your smokey hands

Ok I don’t know where you get these from!

9. The suit that does not fit.

Ok, listen very carefully, if you got out to buy a suit… Tell the guy selling the suit that you need a suit that fits… Not just a suit! It’s important to know your size!

10. The tag on the sleeves of your suit!

You’d be committing a massive faux pas by leaving it on!

Ok I researched about this particular one before I included it because I thought I might be wrong. Turns out I am right! REMOVE THE F*CK*N TAG BEFORE YOU WEAR THE SUIT MAN!!!! You will not believe this but according to my reasearch, its only cheap suits with the sleeve tag…. This is why: Cheap suits flock the racks and the sellers use the sleeve tags to browse! They are for the seller to identify the suit; si yako kufloss nayo!

I am done!

I am tired so I will teach you how to kill a mosquito on Monday!




Posted by on March 23, 2012 in Uncategorized


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My Doris,

I have been a walk this morning with a book in my hand, but as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night. They talk of my going to Italy. ‘Tis certain I shall never recover if I am to be so long separate from you: yet with all this devotion to you I cannot persuade myself into any confidence of you…

i tremble  at the thought of never seeing you again! I pray every night that i would see you soon… feel your tender touch… your soft lips against mine… your skin brushing against my own!

A friend once told me… “love is when she conquers your every thought!” Doris you reign my thoughts and tumble upon my dreams… YOu have complete power over me… I am weak before you my love!

I might act like i do not care sometimes…a simple mechanism to protect my heart from pain that you have put upon it before! A skill i throughly fail…

Mambo za love baadaye!

I have a story but ill make it short… its time for me to go to bed!

The other day i took a Walokana bus from my office to town…It was about 9pm. When we got to Globe roundabout* the bus slipped on the edges of Nairobi River! AS IN WE WERE GOING TO DIE!

Before we could plunge to our death I get off the bus and decide to walk to Odeon…

“boss hapa utpingwa ngeta! baki ndani ya basi tunatoka tu saa hii…” the makanga says!

I ignore the man completely…

Please be advised that since the over-pass was built THIS was one of the most dangerous places in town (i just guessed that) So i am walking fast… then in the darkness… A SHOAL OF CHOKORAS!My heart skipped several pumps… as in i had already pronounced myself dead!

To survive this, i had to walk back the opposite direction… AND FAST! So i did… AALL THE WAY ROUND GLOBE until the Central Police Station side…

I kept on hearing footsteps behind me… I couldnt look coz that is how people die in horror movies…I glimpsed under my glasses and saw a shadow… it wasnt mine coz mine was in front of me… I speed up… The shadow behind me speeds up too… I WAS BEING TAILED!! I widen my strides… But the shadow is still there… I TAKE OFF… MY LEGS RESCUE ME yani MGUU NIPONYE! I run fast! I ran for about 500 metres before i realised i was running from my own shadow!!! You know when you have 2 shadows??!

I laughed at myself all the way to Odeon!

I am typing this in the dark by the way… I know i make a lot of spelling errors but this time if you see a really weird spelling mistake it’s because I don’t use sonar!


I love you Doris,


The 1st paragraph of this letter is derived from the letter from John Keats to Fanny Brawne in 1820. John died not long after writing this letter. He was buried with an unopened letter from Fanny on his chest!



Posted by on March 14, 2012 in Uncategorized


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Dear Doris,

I have so many stories to tell you. My brains overflow with juicy tales. I know I havent written in a while. I have no excuse whatsoever. I guess I am tired of lying to myself we are still in love. I know you texted me last week saying you ‘luved’ me! I am sorry but my love, what the f* is ‘I luv you’ supposed to mean!? So i googled ‘luv’ and this is what I got: luv But lets not dwell on the past…

Before I go further into this, allow me to dedicate this to a fan I met last Saturday at the club. I am sorry I was a tad intoxicated when you told me your name and I can’t remember. All I know is you are beautiful and this one  is for you. @kwasijon do not say a word!

Lets get a bit serious. This story is extremely scary.

I am seated in a matatu. On the makangas seat, you know the one closest to the door? This matatu is by far the oldest one I have been on. The only unbroken window was the wind shield. The rest were either missing windows or had a polythene bag. But this is not the point!

We are stuck on traffic at Globe roundabout! Theres hooting and cussing. I was asleep until this particular point! Please note that I am always asleep in matatus… ALWAYS!

This is the point where I notice this woman on my right… No that statement is wrong… This is where I notice her shoes! She had black patent leather heels… Nothing below 4 inches… The kind of heels you don’t buy when you know you don’t have a car! She had excellent legs though and her short plaid dress was working… She had my attention… I could barely hear the hooting… I noticed she was texting using her left hand. This looked a bit weird but her face cancels out the weirdness. She was beautiful. Nothing below 60 watts i.e. YELLOW! I hope you are now familiar with the situation I am in. I have just woken up to random hooting and cussing and this beautiful woman is seated next to me… It is a bit confusing!

Just as I was getting used to my surroundings a hand darted through my window with the speed of a Kamau  and grabbed the woman’s phone. Caught me off-guard! Scared me half to death. I randomly throw my hands in the air and hit the phone out of his hand, falling on my lap. The man disappears in a fraction of a second!

Let me explain: I AM VERY EASY TO SCARE!

My heart is beating so fast i am almost shitting my pants. I am actually holding my chest! Trying to catch my breath. The woman picks the phone from my lap. “Asante sana… Haki thenx” Please be advised that she pronounced her words exactly how I have written them… Also note that all this time I didn’t look at this woman, not once!

Just when I was recovering, I look at this woman’s face… At that particular point, if I was on life support machines… a straight line would have come up followed by a beep that doesn’t stop….

Let me explain! This woman had half her face burnt out! The right side of her face was completely destroyed. I am not sure if you are seeing what I want you to see… I was recovering from first degree shock only to hit me with another one…

I let out a yelp when i saw her face… AND IT DOESNT END THERE… SHE WAS MISSING HER RIGHT HAND! Ok maybe not missing passé but her elbow downwards was missing! My heart was racing so fast. I was so confused.

“you are welcome.” I said and got off the matatu.


Posted by on February 21, 2012 in Uncategorized



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Posted by on January 14, 2012 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

Good morning lover? Calling someone lover feels funny… It is a tad heavy on the tongue… Moving on.

This one will be a long one… Where do I start?

You might be wondering what my title means… fear not, read on, you will find out!

I really want to tell you the long conversations that got me a scene on MALI but time is of the essence… Whatever that means! Lets jump straight to the main deal.

I was asked to be a guest star on MALI…

I am not feeling the way I have started this post! Lets do this again!

Dear Doris,

Good morning my love. I hope this letter finds you as beautiful as always.

I woke up with you on my mind today. How I miss you my love… My morning do not make sense anymore… They are now gray and dark since you left… The thought of your smile tries to keep me sane… I miss you!

Before I go further into this, I want you to understand we do not have a TV! Yes, sad but true! This information will be relevant after my next paragraph!

I suck at acting… I am amazing at telling stories, my tonal variation is perfect… My gestures and body movements nothing far from Denzel Washington’s on Training Day… But put a camera before me and I suddenly forget how to speak… I put on a weird voice and my heart is beating on my thigh! My feet shake so hard like I am about to take off… Cameras bring me to my knees… Those and yellow women… MALI put me between the two factors!

I have never watched MALI before because we do not have a TV! I see the billboards and posters all over the place though… All I know is that its a new tv series with a yellow woman :D I couldn’t say no when I was asked to star in it…

My scene comes in and I am playing a famous blogger… AS IN I WAS PLAYING ME… This was supposed to be easy… I am reading the script over and over and over again… But every time I see this yellow woman… I forget everything! I am sweating… Ok I was not sweating… I was freezing my ass off!

“we are rolling in 5, 4, 3…” a voice echoes…

I am on set, being interviewed by the yellow yellow, I can’t remember a single word from my script… For a second or two I was so blank… staring! Let me explain:

I love my women in red heels… I, mean, who doesn’t… BUT THERES SOMETHING A WOMAN IN BLACK HEELS WITH A RED SOLE DOES TO YOU… I manage to vulture though the first few seconds when the yellow yellow storms off the set (part of the script) I am supposed to be MAD at this (part of the script) I SWEAR TO GOD I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE MAD… All that’s going through my head is…

“yellow legs, OH MY GAWD the hells… IAN GET MAD! tiny skirt…”

Her name is Lulu…


Oh, and Dallahz is a name, beautiful sexy Luo woman… we have never met though.

Dear Dallahz, marry me, I promise never to look at Lulu again… Just tell her not to wear those heels and skirt around me and methinks we will live happily ever after!!!! See @dallahz here DALLAHZ


I am on a matatu to USIU seated at the front with some chic. She is extremely pretty but skinny…  ‘NEVER SCARED by Bonecrusher’ is playing on the radio! She is singing along bobbing her head… she is a bit annoying… Bonecrusher goes like'” WHOOOO AM IIIIII….” and she is like’ “BONECRUSHER MOTHERF*” this goes on for a while… I decide to completely ignore her… I shut my eyes!

She has stopped singing but still jerking violently… She is getting more violent by the second… I open my eyes ready to throw a tantrum only to see the her jerking terribly… not dancing to the song though … SHE WAS HAVING A FUCKIN SEIZURE! Her arms are all over the place… and foam all over her face! I am freaked out… I hit the driver and point at her! The driver stops the car… she is put on her back on the road side… a crowd forms around her in seconds… Everyone is a doctor… touching and grabbing! I am still in shock… One second she is ‘NEVER SCARED’ and the next she is, well… I shouldnt be joking about that!

I suck at taking charge in cases like these!! I remember sometime back as a kid, my friend and I were eating zambarau at the top of the zambarau tree (which is quite high). The boy loses grip and falls, hitting his head on a stone fracturing his skull… He blacked-out  out… I got down from the tree and walked home like nothing happened! This gives me an idea for my next post…

I have 79 new comments… To my new readers, Doris and I love you!

Now let me go for this luncheon… Congratulations on your graduation @jesuisorpah



Posted by on December 2, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Page 1 | How to Write about Africa | Granta 92: The View from Africa | Magazine | Granta Magazine

Page 1 | How to Write about Africa | Granta 92: The View from Africa | Magazine | Granta Magazine.

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Posted by on October 26, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

How are you today you beautiful woman? You will not guess whose albums I am downloading right now… Aaron Neville!!! Why are you looking at me like that!! You know Aaron right? The guy for “I don’t know much…. But I know I love youuuu, and that may be all I need to know…” Come on Angel… You cannot be helped!!

I don’t know about you but that is our song from now henceforth!! Learn the lyrics!

The purpose of this letter was not to choose a song for us though; honestly I don’t know what this is about!! It has been so long I feel like I don’t know you anymore, so I will just highlight what has been going on without you!!

A few days back when I was on a matatu from work: This huge guy gets into the matatu. He is dirty and his dreadlock unkempt. I knew he was trouble from the second he waved down the matatu!! The makanga was like

“Dere usbebe!! Ye huleta noma!” (Driver don’t carry… He brings trouble!) That’s as direct as it can get! The driver stops for the man! I am seated at the back… The only free seat is the one next to me!! His broad shoulders leak into my space!! I stay silent… His breath is nothing short of the stinkiest breath in the world! I

say nothing! From his body size, he could clearly take me out with the… well, bottom line… He would kill me!!
The conductor clearly knows him from somewhere because he asked everyone for money except Shrek over here!! The drama is coming!
“Kwani hautaki do yangu, we doggy….” Shrek says to the conductor ignoring completely that the conductor might have offered him a free ride!!
“Si hivyo mkubwa… Leta basi! The conductor tries to be nice…

I hope you all non-Swahili speakers know that I will not translate a single word!!

Where was I before the illiterate interrupted me? Yeah…

“Sikupi sasa!” Shrek spits out!! The conductor shrinks in shock…

My Bluetooth earpiece is blinking in my ear… He looks at it for a short while then asks…”Wapi phone inatumia

hio bluetooth?!” I pissed my pants a little bit! I hesitantly remove my Samsung Galaxy and show it to him!!
Please note that I was not… I repeat, WAS NOT IN A POSITION TO SAY NO!!
He grabs it and touches the screen to show the ‘insert password’ thingi!
“Ebu weka password!” He says with uncomfortable ease!! It was at this point that I accepted that I may not see my phone again!
I put in the password! He takes it and goes through my messages! He was not only dirty and stinky… He was also quite bad mannered!!
He is now taking pictures of random people in the mat using my phone… THIS MAN HAD TO BE STOPPED… BY SOMEONE… OTHER THAN MYSELF!

He returns my phone… JESUS WALKS!!

Stay tuned for more drama…

We are stuck in traffic… Every second seated next to this man is dangerously unpredictable! I have so far switched off both my phones and Bluetooth device and put all my money and ATM in my sock ~ while he wasn’t watching of course!

We get to Museum Hill Roundabout and the nigga pulls out a blunt!! For a second I thought he was just looking at it… Planning for later… Then he lights the joint!! IN THE EFIN MATATU! Passengers are sliding open their windows… No one says shit!The woman seated in front of me thinks she is Green Lantern and rudely asks the giant to put the blunt off (inside the matatu is now heavy with smoke) People are getting off… I DON’T MOVE A MUSCLE!! He was going to snap my neck if I did!

I am sorry I am going to use some really nasty words this next paragraph _ Please be advised! I am just

quoting the man!

“Ushawahi tombwa?!” The guy says!! Utter idiocy!! I don’t move a muscle!! Green Lantern shuts up!!

We are now at Globe roundabout… The last stage before we get off at Koja Bus Park… I was very happy this was going to end soon…

He then asks me for my phone again!! Ladies and gentlemen… believe it or not… I said NO!!! Not exactly like that though!

“Nashukaaaa!” I shouted to the conductor and got off in the middle of nowhere!! That call was more risky than


staying in the matatu with the mad man, but like they say, heri something something than the angel you don’t know… YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES!!!


Posted by on September 13, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Dear Doris,

From a letter a day to a letter a week and now… well… It is getting worse!! How are you doing? I got an email saying you changed addresses! You moved? Is it a new job? New boyfriend? Huh?

Yesterday was a holiday, and I was here at work, working to keep you and our children happy…

The night before that was a bit dramatic! I am going to tell it in real-time!

The Following Takes Place Between 6pm and 12:30am

Readers Desecration is Advised!

(i am sorry-too much Jack Bauer)


I am leaving the office for a meeting in town! I get into a stinking matatu which is quite normal for matatus coming from Kabete!!


The time my meeting was supposed to start! I am stuck on traffic at Museum Hill Roundabout. Everyone is going into town! I decide to sleep… I was tired!


I am late for my meeting! A lot to discuss! Trattoria!


Walking to my stage – Odeon. I get the last matatu! Its taking a while getting full. I fall asleep!!


I am woken up by loud voices! The conductor is fighting with the driver in the matatu! The matatu – STILL NOT FULL!


The two resolve their issues. We start the journey. We agree to pay 70 bob instead of 50 bob so we leave before its full.

Somewhere along the way… Another fight breaks out in the matatu. Now its the conductor and a drunk passenger. The driver pays no attention!!

The fight gets violent! punches and kicks are thrown! I am at the front so I am safe! The other two passengers at the back, all women are screaming their ass off!

The driver doesnt twitch! He is still driving!


The conductor starts with the insults because he is losing the fight!

“kuma mamako!!!” He spits!


“NGAI NGAI NGAI!! Hakuna mtu atatusi mama ya mwingine kwa matatu yangu!!” he says!!

He explains his reasons!! i am not listening because the drunk guy has the conductor by the neck!! The conductor is screaming, “NAKUFA!NAKUFA!”

The driver is still explaining his actions!!

He is an emotional wreck! He is almost crying!

I say nothing!!

“NAPELEKA HII GARI POLICE STATION!!” The driver says and ignites the engine! He is driving faster than he was before!

Things are thick!

The two idiot at the back are still at it!!

The drunk is Luo and the conductor, Kikuyu so is the driver!


The conductor is shouting something in Kikuyu!! The driver says something back IN KIKUYU! the passengers are also shouting stuff in kikuyu!

“nyinyi Wakikuyu wote, Kuma mama zenyu!” The jaluo shouts!

Something tells me I am in a tricky situation! I don’t say a word!!

The driver stops his matatu and walks to the back!

I can’t come out of the matatu because we are at Chiromo!! People are mugged here almost everyday!! I really like my wallet even though it had nothing, and my Blackberry and Galaxy Mini and my black felt jacket!

My reasoning at this moment: I would rather die in this matatu with all my possessions rather than outside with NOTHING!!!

i Sit still!! The jaluo is being whooped by everyone in the matatu!! I don’t move an eye lash!

He, the Jaluo, is thrown out of the van!

The driver gets back to his seats and looks at me funny!

I almost piss my pants!

Everyone gets off except me!!

“Hawa Wajaluo ni wajinga sana!” The driver says in utter idiocy!

My life flashes before me!!

“Ningeuwa huyo jamma!!” The conductor adds!

“Nashuka hapa!!” I say!! We were four stages away from my stage! I couldn’t stay another second in that Van!

“The driver says something to me in Kikuyu! I piss in my pants!! A little trickle!

“Dhekyu mno!” I say and walk away with the speed of the devil! FAST! OH, I am LUO!!

“I am sending you this because I am alive!! Now to hunt those idiots down and execute them one by one!” Jack Bauer







Posted by on September 1, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THIS! I know we are not talking and all. This letter was forced on me. I am sure in your head you are thinking that this is one of those ways I try talking to you when you dont feel like talking!!
…‘My 5 Links’, which @eGichomo (a blogging enthusiast, among other things) who blogs here calls a chance to go into the archives and share some of the links that you feel deserve another read. It’s also to appreciate bloggers in Kenya and share mini-blog rolls for a broader read. A most noble idea, I must say. If and when you take part, tag five bloggers whom you’d like to read a similar post from.’

The above paragraph has been copied from @Akellove’s blog!! You already knew they were not my words when you saw hard words like noble and Kenya which I never use in my blog!! Just yesterday I was reading her blog and she had this list of her 10 fav bloggers… I was not one of them!! I think its because I dont use big words… Which she does, a lot! I was shattered and scotched beyond cognition! This is for you @akellove you best get your dictionary!

1. My Most Proletariat  Post

My most proletariat post is called OUR KILELESHWA HOME . It is also the most recent one with 647 hits… Ok i don’t know how to make this enthralling :(

2. Post that didn’t get the succor it deserved.

Well, I worked hard on this particular post… Ok that is a taradiddle! SEX, ENGLISH & MRS. L was it! I thought a post about me almost sleeping with my English teacher was, well, prodigious! It got 300 hits!!  If you want to know how it happened… click on the link!! Atleast see the colour of her bra :) Yes there was bra!! And maybe thighs!!

Before I go on; I am listening to this song on radio by Bamboo… The guy has been of the grid a while!! Then he comes back with lines like “…we were tortured, blood all over like tampons….” REALLY BAMBOO, REALLLY!!?
3. Post whose success surprised me.

Well, i am not trying to toot my own horn here… but… If you know you are good, nothing can.. ok I have stopped!! SHIISH! MAID . This was dedicated to the house girls out there!! Got a screaming 433 hits!! The number of spelling mistakes in this particular post is unbelievable!

4. My Most Controversial Post.

Well… Controversial?? Like war of words? None. But BALLS came pretty close. In this one my Mama, without warning, starts talking about balls on the dinning table!! This one was more of disastrous than controversial!
5. Post I am most proud of. The post I am most pooterish and vainglorious about is YOUNG LOVE it is a collection of letters I received when in high school from some chic I barely knew, but decided she was madly besotted with me!!

My 5 bloggers are

@woozie_M , @bikozulu, @shirogaitho, @savvykenya, @crazynairobian








Posted by on July 20, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

I feel empty… I can almost hear my thoughts echoing deep in my soul… And I am thinking to myself, why is tis empty feeling so heavy!! Weird how a feeling of emptiness weighs you down!!

I have been looking at my blinking for a long while with absolutely nothing to write about. My music, the constant buzzing of the refrigerator. The piece often broken by a sharp ringing of phones around the office.

The silence is sill… Dead! In the silence, punching the keys on my keyboard sound like gunshots! I pause on my typing now and again, not because I lack what to write, but because there is an unexplained comfort in the silence.

You know that feeling when worry fades your peace and you have no idea what worries you?! And the more you try to grasp on what might cause your unrest, you keep coming across things to worry about that wouldnt have come up if you had not stopped to think?! Tells you how much weight lie in the past!!

I am not quite sure if you are understanding what I am going on about…

Normally in situations such as this, I take out my sketch pad and doodle my emptiness away… Drowning my confusion on a blank piece of paper!

I beg thee to excuse me as I fetch my sketch pad…

If I had my life to live over, I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I’d have fewer imaginary ones. ~Herold

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Posted by on May 13, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

My love, I know it has been ages since we last spoke! I will not lie that I have been busy… I just didn’t know what to say!

My migraines are back my angel… They are not as bad as they used to be, but they last longer!! If I am to die before I feel your touch again… I will die twice!

I was almost dying last night. A migraine and a sore throat do not go well together. It’s like you throat and your brain are itching at the same time but you can’t scratch neither! When I was finally able to sleep, at like midnight, my dad storms into our bedroom and says, in these exact words…

“Mama Ben has just passed. You people take me to the hospital…”

By you people, he means my brother Pasta and I… Mission impossible!! This man totally ignored the fact that I could die any second from this sore throat!!

We get to Nairobi Hospital ICU… There are two ladies who are on the floor crying. From what I got, they were Mama Ben’s daughters! They had lost a mother… I was balancing tears…If I had known who Mama Ben was, I would have probably cried. I cry easy, I cry every time I watch  THE NOTEBOOK or JOHNNY Q. Strange thing is, I only tear with my left eye!!

I lost my mother on a random afternoon in 1997…. Seeing those two ladies mourn brought it all back.

I was a kid, anywhere between 0 and 45 years old.

“She was sitting right here. We talked. Just yesterday…!” Ben explained, pointing at a seat.

People more than often remember the last moments spent with the departed… I can’t remember the last moments I spent with my mother. In my head, my ass was being whooped for refusing to go to school and the next there was no one to whoop my ass! I can’t remember the last thing she told me, I keep on telling myself it was’ “BLOW YOUR NOSE!” my nose was always running and my mum couldn’t stand it… Not a day passed without hearing those words! But I remember the last thing I told her…

“Get well soon…” at the time I didn’t even know what that meant, but it was supposed to help make her feel better according to my brother Tito.

Years later, I found letters my mother wrote to my aunt (her step sister). I really hated school… I drew on every page of my text books and answered “AKYA” to math sums I didn’t know the answer to. Akya is ‘I ont know’ in Luo!! or “ITHAGA” which means ‘you are disturbing me’!! It was clear Engineering wasnt going to be my field…

I still draw… I drew on my text books through high school and college… I draw during meetings… my office walls are covered in my art work, random sketches and doodles. I can’t stop!

If you knew my mother and you are reading this, you probably know by know that she was the prettiest thing in the world… And this is not one of those lines…



Posted by on May 10, 2011 in love, near death, Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

So I have decided people in my house are too funny…

Mama: Why are you adding salt in your food before tasting it!!?

Me: huh!

Mama: Or you knew through osmosis!!

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Posted by on April 30, 2011 in comedy, Uncategorized










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Posted by on April 20, 2011 in Uncategorized



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Posted by on April 20, 2011 in Uncategorized


SIR, ROMP POM POM =) « Dear Doris http:/

SIR, ROMP POM POM =) « Dear Doris Dera Doris…..

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Posted by on April 8, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

I have no reason whatsoever for keeping quiet this long. I have told you before how much I suck at this communication thing!! But darling, I try…Its just that sometimes I don’t know what to say =(

I am well, my eye has been twitching for a month now…. Doris I think I am dying!! If breath my body to lose, be strong for our children (Shakespeare English) Work hard, and by that I don’t mean go around parting thine thighs!!!

I was wondering what I would do if you died and left me alone! I would die!!

I love you…

I have a bad stomach… Its been on and off this past week… I keep on running to the bathroom at the office… We have two new interns who sit at the window who keep on seeing this man running up and down! and the funny thing is, the bathrooms are behind the building and there’s nothing else there so you can’t even pretend to be making a phone call.. if you are running that direction, everyone knows whats up! One of the interns who used to call me sir doesn’t any more… methinks it’s because in her head ‘Sirs’ don’t shit!! Sad!! I didn’t give her any of my mandazis today… so she better start calling me sir!!


SO I was listening to Rompin’ Shop  by Vybez Kartel this morning. Call me ignorant but today was the first time I payed attention to the lyrics… I am not against obscenity or anything like that. Sex sells, I know… It goes like this:

Ey, mi cocky longa than mi mic,
Tell mi wah yuh like
Yuh want mi try
Or yuh wah fi ride it like a bike
Well, yuh haffi ram it hard
Di cocky nuh fi lie
Damage it fi spite
Not cah mi pussy tight
So mi put it pon di left
Gyal yuh tek it pan di right
Mi nipple dem a ripe
Sen it up inna mi tripe
One titi appetite
Every nipple get a bite…


Who saw the ladies dressed in tiny whit shorts and black t-shirts dancing with pom poms on Westlands round about? They were so embarrassed by what they were doing that they were hardly moved or smiled!! I I know how hard it is to dance and wave pom poms in that cold weather with only a t-shirt and tiny shorts that could easily pass underwear.


Posted by on April 8, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

Forgive me for letting people come between us my darling. Forgive me for thinking its upon other people to keep us together. Men or no men, we will be together. By men I mean men and women… Just making things clear.

No one will ever come between us. Not even Pocahontas… Maybe Pocahontas!!!

This letter is about good food and where to get it…  B6f1f763-f9a0-9764-cd84-4e0b537b58c7-News_FB_BTWB_GaySuperhero

In this busy town, everyone everywhere is selling food… By food I mean anything you put in your mouth, chew, and probably swallow… HAHAHAHAHA!!! Forgive my perverseness.

Moving on… Yeah, this list goes from PK chewing gum at some dingy street corner to a 5 course meal at The Tribe. But this post is not for the extremes… There is something not original about Pks that have been under the Nairobi heat all day or a well lit table with things you can pronounce their names… I want to take you through the cool spots… affordable and easy access… These places will not give two squirts of piss on how you are dressed… You will come in nude and you will still be served!!


This place has been around for the longest time. My friends dad worked here almost 30 years ago. This place is not the cleanest. There is so much smoke floating around you could get lung cancer if you stayed there long… Their Chicken is very good but will hurt your stomach like CRAZYYYYY!!! So dont eat their chicken!! I suggest this place because of their SPECIAL SAUCE… haha!! Yeah, they have this sauce that's from heaven!! I don't know how its made and i don't want to know… Put it on your fries and soak them in vinegar and chilli sauce and you will be going home a happy man!!Don't eat their burgers, YOU WILL SURELY DIE!    

Red Robin is the place for THE SAUCE!!

CAUTION: EXcessive consumption of this sauce WILL CAUSE DIARRHEA. So kidogo kidogo tu..


        2. SONFORD!!

Its small. less smoke and cleaner than Red Robin. Their special sauce is shit… I am not hating. Its Kachumbari in dilute tomato sauce that you have to pay 5 bob for… But this is the spot for good chicken that will not hurt your tummy!! Their chicken go fast so be sure to get fresh chicken… Their fries are also out of this world… dry and crunchy!! Thats how I like it!! Soak these in vinegar and chilli (which is achari mixed with water) and a dash of salt and you are good to go!!

Sonford is the place for THE CHICKEN AND FRIES

CAUTION: "DO NOT SPIT IN THE SINK. IF FOUND YOU PAY A FINE OF 1000 bob" a sign above the sink.

But after eating vinegar there is this strong urge to spit… Spitting in the sink is forbbiden in all these places i have mentioned. NOT THAT I HAVE SPUT BEFORE AND FINNED!!!



HAHAHAHA!! This on is the dirtiest of them all and I promise you anything you get from here will fuck up your insides… even soda!!Its small and crowded and the floor is as slippery as a skating rink… heavy with cooking oil. The place is called Imbis Fish and Chips but they do not sell fish!! HAHAHA!! Apart from all the negative energy in this place, their fries is the best in town!! AGAIN, BE WARNED_ It will hurt your stomach so bad!! I try it out once every two months… I just pass by the chemist first to get myself Eno and a dose of Flagil… I will surely get sick… But i will have had the best fries in the world!!

Imbis Fish and Chips is not the  place for FISH.

I know those people who go like " i cant eat in those places… they are so dirty", Yeah its true… Extremely dirty…. But you have no idea what you are missing.




Posted by on March 17, 2011 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , ,


Dear Doris,

Good afternoon my angel. I have discovered that I have sent you 116 letters since we met… You too have to admit that that's a lot… I have almost 10,000 overall page views and an average of 50 viewers per day… Those are very encouraging stats. I have also discovered that I have only 16 followers… This breaks my heart Doris. 16 is less than 20… That's an E!! So to YOU who is reading this – this is my last post until i go up to at least 50 followers!! You should feel terrible because it is YOU standing between my Love Doris and I at this point!!! 16 is just depressing!! If you like reading these letters, follow this blog!!

Its a bit tricky following blogs on typepad, but so long as you have a twitter or facebook account, you will be fine. Just try commenting… Follow instructions from then on!!

You are an intelligent person, you can do it…

See you until I get to 50!!


p.s – I had a really cool bisexual story – evident from my title… But i have lost syke!!


Posted by on March 9, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

Today is Women's Day and I couldn't let today pass without a letter!! I don't know what normally happens on this day, I am not sure if I am supposed to send a gift to you or to visit the pregnant women in maternity's nearby… Something tells me I can do both… Today is a day to appreciate the special women in our lives! I am feeling stupid…

So to all my mothers, sisters, cousins, nieces, girlfriend and you Doris My love for you all is heavy!!

Now that we are done with the cute bit, let me take you on a journey… To a land far far away… Kogelo and beyond!NARNIA kando! I want to take you to The Bard…

I am going to tell you a story about how I almost slept with my high school English teacher….


So I wrote letters to chics on my friends' behalf… haha!! For a 25 bob fee I wrote away! One of my clients though, thought it right to secretly address his letters to my English teacher, lets call the boy DOUCHE and the English teacher L. I was finally busted coz of my handwriting and the boy, my client denied all charges leaving me in total chaos!! All the evidence pointed straight to my ass… My Queen's English, my bullet proof vybe, oh and my handwriting!! In my school good English was a rumour, so finding me wasnt so hard plus no one believed that boy could write that well…

I was summoned by L to the guidance and counselling office. With her was my Chemistry teacher see also 'total bitch'! Il_fullxfull.122185913


So I am here… Before two very annoying women being accused of writing love letters to one of them, explaining my fantasies in length!!

… Did I mention the principal was L's husband??!!

and it was 10 days to KCSE!!!?

The two women rant and rave… Then The Chemistry one had a class to go to…

So I am here with this 40 year old one *AWKWARD MOMENTOS*

"what were you thinking writing me those letters…" she asks..

in my head I was thinking "25 bob perhaps"

Somewhere in the middle of all this I give up on trying to defend myself and bite the bullet… I was in trouble anyway… How bad could it get!!

" I want you to walk to the principal's office and tell him you are competing with him!!" she says in utter arrogance!! Expecting me to weep by her feet…

I am caught off guard!! Completely!!

"GO!!" She reminds me!!

I walk out of that tiny office with a bleak future…

"there goes my life" I say to myself…

I walk slowly to the man's office…

L shouts out my name just before I walk in…

"come back here!!" she says!! AT THAT SECOND I SAW JESUS!!!

I walk back fast before she changes her mind!!

I get into the office and she asks me to lock the door behind me… HAHAHAHAHA!!!

I give Caesar  what belongs to him… [I LOCK THE DOOR]

"is this what you wanted?? She asks, unbuttoning her blouse! Her white bra evident!!

In my head i am laughing my head off wishing my friends were peeping!! 

"huh?" she asks… shes down to the fourth button… OUT OF FIVE!! I am dead silent!!


I almost said ' the nigga who wanted this strip show is in class probably thinking about you right now!!'

"no madam…" I answer confidently. She looked like she had swallowed a lemon!!!

" go to class and let this raise as little dust as possible!!" she spits, buttoning her blouse!!

Walking back to class I met the principal… Talking on his phone… WHAT WOULD I HAVE TOLD THIS 7 foot MONSTER!!!!



p.s- I can get into so much trouble for this!! At least I didnt cuss… not once =)





Posted by on March 8, 2011 in Uncategorized


Tags: , ,


Dear Doris,

I HOPE YOU ARE WELL MY LOVE…. Sorry about the caps, It was by mistake and going back to unCAPS it is too much work… Plus i REALLY hope you are well. Toady's letter is a random idea I got from someone elses blog. I was planning to just copy paste it… I didn't. I did this for you Doris.

The letter was about emoticons. to be different, I will do A love letter to my Doris in emoticons….

It breaks my heart that I cannot do this in person

It has been a long while since I last saw you or even heard your voice… Its that our plan to have a big family is now bleak. I wish I listened to you when you told me to start a family before i left. Its about 9pm.I am seated by my window wearing the shirt you bought me on our 2nd anniversary . Now i cant stop thinking about you

I am well my love. I lost my job though,I accidentally sent my boss an email that said . I am now thinking about starting my own business. I am still clueless at the moment but I will figure something out.

I miss you. I have missed you so much Doris, but I have missed your more. Haha.I miss everything about you, your smile, your laugh, your touch, your Kiss… I miss the way you made my coffee. I miss the .

We were together a very short while. The world is really a cruel place. It was my mistake falling in love with you this much and I blame myself for not being able to get you off my mind . Its you on my mind when I wake up… and its your face i am thinking about when i am going to bed. Before I open my eyes in the morning, I feel my bed to check if you are there and hope being away from you is just a bad dream. You are never there. I curse the day I left.

Last night I walked into a bar and drunk smileythought I could drink all these problems away. I just ended up with more problems. Then there was the getting angry at myself part .

I don't know how to express my love for you. Doris, I know it is difficult for you, as it is for me, to be separated for so long. Life seems to be full of trials of this type which test our inner strength, and more importantly, our devotion and love for one another.

Never give upon what we have. When I come back to you, we can go for our vows renewal in Bahama just like you like it.

Stay the good woman you are

yours ForEVER,

Naughty Smileys
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Posted by on February 24, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Posted by on February 21, 2011 in Uncategorized


Why not

Dear Doris,

I am so ashamed of myself right now…

All my years I have known Methuselah is a woman!! Kinda gets me wondering which Bible I have been reading!! Ok, honestly, I have never read about The Man… I have come across his name once before yesterday… while reading the Genealogy of Jesus Christ!! But never a random story about him!! Did he heal a cripple at the gates of the temple, did he ride on a donkey behind Jesus, did he bring the pots of water Jesus asked for at some point… I have nothing!!! Apparently he was 969 and died seven days before the great flood. Those are very mmmm naughty numbers… 969 and 7..hahaha! My mind is full of SEX!

oh,and By great flood I dont mean El Nino, its that thingi where animals got on some boat in couples… SMELLS LIKE AN ORGY TO ME!!  Methuselah  

p.s- After research, I have learnt that He is mentioned ONLY ONCE in the bible…

So yesterday during devotion (its at 9:30pm on Sundays) we read The Genealogy of Jesus Christ. If you don't know what this is, then I cant help you… Methuselah came up… So apparently there are 3 women in the Genealogy of Jesus Christ… among like 70 men… I confidently said METHUSELAH when my mum asked me who they were (the women) My small sister laughed at me so hard…

Moving on…

I was at church by dawn on Saturday… I dreamt six different dreams… I was wide awake when the pastor started talking about the final days and how people who sleep in church are missing out more than those who stayed at home!!

"Thou shalt not test your God… Somebody say Amen!!" he kept on saying… I almost shouted…

"heard you the 1st time….will you pick on someone your own size??!"



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Posted by on February 21, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris, Add_toon_info-1.php

I have a stabbing stomach ache so forgive my spelling on this particular letter!!!

You know what, sex* this, i cant p
ossibly type with all this pain!!

Yours For Better,


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Posted by on February 16, 2011 in Uncategorized


Aston Martin

Dear Doris,

I do not have an Aston Martin… If I did I wouldn't be planning on bitching on what I am just about to bitch about!!

So a friend of mine calls me up and asks if we could meet up… We spoke last in 2006…. In high school. Lets call him Victor*. I am down with the plan. I ask him to come to Sarit because town is just a hustle and I had some work to finish at the office. 

Be advised, I went to Barding High School… Google it… "did you mean boarding high school?" Its not on sexing* google!! I am not even sure if I got secondary education!! 

Moving on.. 1997-10-03

So he calls me that he is at Sarit!! At the gate!! This tells you of the oncoming disaster!! 

We go to Dormans and I quickly order for a glass of juice… this always serves as an idea to the other person about how much money I have to spend!!! The most you can order is two glasses of juice….

"mimi nataka food…." he says!! i am in shock.. That menu has nothing less than 330/= on the food part!

"steak iko…na rice??" My heart stopped!! THAT'S 780/= DID HE SEXING* SEE THAT!!???

"na mango juice" he comfortably adds!!!


I am hyperventilating… "my palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy….."

I totally zoned out… I heard absolutely nothing he said until the steak came… From the menue it looked like they would bring a sexing* cow with a ribbon!!

The bill came to 1020/= COMPLETELY DISTRAUGHT! 

On our way out he asks me for some money to start a business!! 

People…. Me wearing expensive shirts and shoes and FACE does not mean i am rich!! Behind my expensive designer clothes lies THE HUSTLE… 

P.s I am listening to Usher's Nice and slow  I like when he keeps on repeating…"I'll freak you right I will"

That is all…


RANDOM… please check this out kuweni serious!


Posted by on February 10, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

I am busy as sex!! I promised i will no curse on my last post… so every slot that I was supposed to use F* i will use sex and every slot I was supposed to use MothaF*… I will use sex-worker!!  I will kindly ask of you to allow me to use shit and bitch though… Agreed?/ Thought so!!

Before I get deep into this, this post goes out to all those house boys and house girls out there who have to wake up at the crack of dawn to boil water for their master and master's children and fix breakfast… Big up!! big up!! 

This is dedicated to them strugglers because: *check out the slave English=them strugglers* thee hee!! Holding-a-guitar-is-like-turning-an-on-off-switch-for-getting-laid

Like I said earlier, I think, running water in my hood, Kileleshwa, i becoming a bedtime story!! A million apartments have been erected with absolutely nothing being done about the water system!! To shower in the morning, water has to be boiled by the 'Helper'!! The 'Helper' boils water for everyone so he/she has to get up extremely early to do so….

p.s- i was almost killed as a kid for calling our 'Helper' a MAID!!! 

Moving on…

Our helper, for the past 4 or 3 days has been away… Funeral!! So we, the children, wake up, in turns (we are 3) to boil bathing water for everyone else in the house!! Today, was my turn!! 

The STORY!!!

My dad wakes me up at the BREAK of dawn (p.s BREAK is crack in the extreme) to remind me that its my turn!! He called me like 6 times… I heard him the first time… the rest of the times I was busy telling myself it was a bad dream!!!


I woke up and went to the kitchen and put a huge sufuria on the gas cooker and fell asleep… i woke up to find myself leaning on the kitchen counter- IT WASNT A BAD DREAM!! I realised much later that i forgot to light the damn thing!!


I fell asleep again in the guest room waiting for the water to heat up ( a sufuria that big full of water in my head would take like an hour to heat up)… BIG MISTAKE!! The kitchen was a small volcano when I went back… I almost died trying to switch the cooker off!! I lived with minor burns!!


I slipped and fell hard on my bum carrying water into the bathroom… All the water i had boiled… I watched MY HARD WORK go DOWN THE DRAIN… LITERALLY!!!


I finally managed to boil some water for everyone… My sister comes to the kitchen and says " i will need more water" I killed her in my head!! 

I showered with cold water… I didnt boil water for myself… I was like sex it!!! 

SO to all ye 'Helpers' who come to their near deaths every sex working* morning!! We love you meyynn!! 

And lastly… the tout in one of the matatus I took to work today was eating 6 smokeys at the same time and couldnt shut up… Chewed food was kindly being dished out. His breat smelt like he had been on a SHIT SANDWICH DIET!!

That is all!


Posted by on February 10, 2011 in comedy, Uncategorized


Tags: , ,

Download Wallpaper ID 24388 – Desktop Nexus Abstract


Awesome digital Art…

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Posted by on February 9, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

It has been a long while since I last wrote you a letter. It haunts me every time! I wish you could send me pictures so I could see your beautiful face.

I think I am a terrible person… This is because:  57

Touts are naturally rude and I have been programmed to think all of them are.  Its late in the evening, about 8:30pm. I forgot my phone at home earlier so I am rushing back to see how many people tried contacting me. 

A tout screams.. "thirty Kile… thirty Kile… thirty Kile… thirty Kile" !! After getting out of town this man asks me for my money. I give him 30 bob like he screamed before…

"Ni 40!!" He says with no smile!! I don't know how to argue so i take out  two five bob coins and rudely hand them to him. It was not my fault he wasnt looking. This saw the two coins drop on the floor and disappear!! 

'mbona unanitesa??!" the tout asks with a woiye face. 

"jameni, haki!!" a nosey woman spits from the back of the matatu.

I do not say sorry!! My insides were burning now that we weren't getting to my stop!! All this time the tout is being nice to everyone!! Saying goodnight to alighting passengers and making conversation with the ones still on!! He is weirdly kind… Dishing out compliments to everyone and being funny!! I get off and he gives me back my two 5 bobs… then says

"Nitakuongezea hiyo 10 bob." 

The walk to the house was endless!!!

Maybe its for that reason I almost burnt myself to death with hot water today morning!!

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Posted by on February 8, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

Honey, I know you are tired. I am too… But this letter is important, and it would be nice if you gave me your eyes!!

Toady's letter is a lesson on respect!!

Remember in early primary school when you first heard about this word? The fat teacher who taught you all subjects, from coloring to coloring and now she is busy throwing in tough words like RESPECT and ZEBRA CROSSING!! Shes busy teaching you about traffic lights, shit you have never seen!! Please be advised that i went to primary school in Kisumu… I DON THINK THEY HAVE TRAFFIC LIGHTS TO DATE but this fat woman is busy pushing all this down my throat!!! 

"When the light turns green, it means GO!!" GO WHERE??!! I am in class 2 for crying out loud and here you are speaking in code!! 

Exams would have the three colours and you would be asked to write what they meant

RED= stop 73864_444540436425_545946425_5807843_391171_n

ORANGE=get ready


Then to make shit worse, Orange was not called Orange… I CANT EVEN FU*KIN REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS CALLED!!

Googled it… AMBER!!! THA FU*K!!! 

But this wasn't about traffic lights or my fat teacher who was pregnant for 8 years… This is about RESPECT!!

So, there was this one time. a long time ago. I am in a matatu going home!! This old man boards the same matatu I was in and looks at me funny!! I knew what he wanted… My seat!! I was this tiny kid who has been STUDYING THE WHOLE FUC*N DAY and he wanted me to stand and leave for him my seat!! THIS MOTHA F***R BE TRIPPIN!! 

I look at him and stay rooted on my seat!! Here is the funny part… HE THROWS A TANTRUM!!! 

"Children of these days do not have respect for elders!!!" I almost kicked him on the nuts!!!

He boards the matatu late and by some miracle i am supposed to shoot off my seat… And if it was a 'respect your elders thing, that man was probably older than everyone in that matatu, BUT HE ONLY SAW ME!!!

Methinks that man had no RESPECT!! If he could have asked me nicely, maybe throw in a few coins, i would have thought about it!! You don't just walk in a matatu and demand a seat from a 10 year old boy who has been working his brain all day trying to figure out WHAT COLOUR AMBER WAS and spending a load of money trying to impress an Indian girl!!

p.s I just image googled amber!!! NAKED WOMEN POPPED ON MY SCREEN WITH LEGS IN IMPOSSIBLE FOLDS AND SPLITS!! I hope the syllabus has changed and traffic light are taught in driving school and not sijui naso!!

ION (that means in other news) I think the guy who sat next to me pissed on himself!! Its either that or he had cow piss for breakfast and burped!! SMH (that means shaking my head)!! 

BTWICSTFACICUHOT-MF (that means 'by the way i cant stand these Fu*n abbreviations coz i cant understand half of them-mothafishes*) 

That is all…

He who wants a rose must respect the thorn. – Persian Proverb


Posted by on February 2, 2011 in comedy, matatu tales, Uncategorized


Tags: ,


Dear Doris,

Its weird how things work!! I  have so much to write when i have
absolutely nothing to write about!! Like now, i have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
TO WRITE ABOUT and here I am on the second line and still typing!! I
have no idea where these words are coming from!!! But every time I try
to stop, something comes up…

Look at this, right now I am telling myself that I have nothing to write… And there you have it, A SENTENCE!!!

I am doing this out of utmost idleness and boredom… So i am on a
random roll= not roll for ROLLING as in PMS roll… you know what,
screw your guttarious mind.

p.s yes gutterious!! look it up!!

i have learnt a new word to explain my state… boregasm . Boregasm is… and i quote
"noun, verb: the result of or act of reaching the apex or climax of
boredom; Filling one’s capacity for boredom to the extreme boundary"

 I am moaning my ass off!!

That is all


*images from


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Posted by on January 31, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

The love I have for you is evident… Never before I have ever been this happy.  Blood keeps on rushing to my cheeks with the thought of your beautiful face. I found an old picture of you in my jacket that had been washed with it a number of times. You beauty was evident behind permanent creases on the paper.

It is Monday today. The weekend was a handful… Completely lazy, I was. Ended up cancelling meetings so I could stay in bed!! In bed I couldnt shut my eyes… I sense trouble deep in the floors of my soul!! I have no idea what it is… it grates my soul!!!

My mother asked me about Johnny Walker yesterday… we were  having breakfast, in silence,only the two of us… Then,

"How is Johnny Walker served in clubs?"

I almost spat out my tea!! My mother is probably the most innocent human being in the world!!!

Lets get serious…

I dont like cops… I dont like cops who carry guns more!! I will explain even-though I do not understand why I should because cops with guns are not cool…. If your father or uncle is a cop, I probably hate him, i say this with complete sympathy…  Jail_267925

So guys are being shot in this country left and right lately!! Did I mention these guys are being shot by cops??!! Yeah!! They are always "gangsters on the run" who always have a random "fake pistol" lying by their mort!! Funny thing is that these gangsters fired at the cops!!! WITH WHAT?????!!! The fake gun??!

I am not saying I am for bank robbers and thieves… I am just saying it doesnt look good shooting niggas all over the place!! Now that we are on this eerie topic, its better I say everything on it so I never come again!! So I have been arrested 5 times… or is it six!!? DO NOT PANIC!!! I have been arrested all these times but I have never seen the inside of a prison cell!! The closest I have been to a prison is a story my best friend told me after spending the night in one!!

Let me explain why I was being arrested!! I am a graffiti artist,after filling your parking lot with tags, a normal kid will want to explore… yeah!! Vandalism is illegal-apparently!! So to explain why I have never seen a prison cell… Ladies and gentlemen, its a little trick called BRIBERY! I am shattered and ashamed of myself… I guess you all should be too!! I am not admitting that I bribed a police officer…. I am not denying either!! Dont worry reader, That last line was to throw everyone in limbo when I am taken to court!!

Our jails are already full with murderers and rapists… Bribes make sure those who overspeed and vandalise are out and the evil are in prisons!! A vandal and a rapist cannot be put in the same cell!! Doesnt make sense!!

Yours now and forever….

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Posted by on January 31, 2011 in comedy, near death, Uncategorized


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Dear Doris,I want to let you know that I wrote a long letter in the morning and just before I posted it, I deleted it by mistake!!! I almost farted with anger!! I was using this new software I got called Adobe contribute!! PURE TOILET CONTENT!!!

But lets not start in an angry mood!! Greetings of the day my love…. 2009-05-01

Today I am here to let you know that I am a walking corpse!! A ghost!! Dont freak out just yet because I think you are dead too!! I will explain!!Yesterday evening I was warming a few chapatis in the microwave… a little something to help me sleep! It was then that my eyes caught the 'WARNING' sign on the microwave!!Dont blame me, I am partially blind if not completely! So as my chapatis were overheating, i read the label!! That tiny label asked me not to do everything i have been doing since we got it It said:

  1. Don't overheat or overcook items. I was overheating a chapati as i was reading this!!! 
  2. Cover items likely to splatter or jump out of the dish, such as beans. HAHAAHAH! No wonder the microwave always looks like a murder scene in Jack and the Beanstalk after i am done warming my beans!! Everything was making sense!! I still think covering food in the microwave is too much work!!
  3. Don't use plastic. oops!! These people were after my chapati… that was still warming!!!
  4. Always keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen!! This had nothing to do with the microwave!! I do not see why a microwave… you know what, its cool!! Maybe its used for cleaning or something!!
  5. The last one was talking about leaking of radiation blah blah!! It wasnt that important! so I took my chapati out… the plastic plate felt like polytene though!!                                                                                  

This morning I decided to google 'safety measures at home' to check how many of them I follow. I got a lot of rules… 

  1. Don't use any electrical appliances such as a hair dryer or electric shears when you're wet. I laughed so loudly the first few seconds after I read this!! Maybe its because I am just a f* pervert!! So yeah!!
  2. Do not operate electric switches with wet hands!! This one is asking me to find the towel to dry my hands in the dark!!!Keep medicine away from children in a cool and cry place!! WHERE THE F*CK IS A COOL AND DRY PLACE!!!? Then, where is this 'away from children supposed to be??! My parents failed to find it.I would climb to the top shelf where the Calpol was and get high!! Get it? Get to the top shelf to get high!!!.. 
  3. Keep alcohol out of the reach of children. In my house, the only alcohol you will find is the one in nail polish!! 90% of the residents in my house do not drink… I didnt count the random cat that chills at our window everyday! 
  4. Install window opening restrictors… I dont even know what those are….

   Bottom line is I havent been following these precautions from birth and by statistics, I am supposed to be dead and buried!In other news, i am so bored at the office i am making a continuous annoying sound….

Yours in death,



Posted by on January 24, 2011 in near death, Uncategorized





Ian Arunga is my name. It has come to my attention that you do not know who I am. I am the second last born of 8… Where did I lose you?! I am almost growing a mustache… I think!!

This is boring!!


I was in church last Saturday, like all Saturdays except the times I decide to fall sick!! I was there early with the family… 9:30am… That’s like when the pastors check in!! I am sitting alone at a corner tweeting!! Waiting for the man who will teach me how to love God!! I have this theory that if my shirt is better than the pastor’s, i will not listen because clearly GOD LOVES ME MORE!ha ha ha!! I am such an idiot!! It is only the wise who can admit that they are idiots. The pastor had a green shirt… I fell asleep almost immediately! Almost immediately means immediately after the children story!! I ABHORE GREEN!

Lets move on!

So I carried 6 mandazis to work today for my 10 o’clock tea… I kept them in the kitchen and now I have 4 only!! I have decided too sue the whole company!! Everyone is a suspect!!

On my way to work I met this man with a huge yellow sign saying "ANY JOB WILL DO PLEASE". Things like these break my heart! So I stop the matatu i am in and get off. Please be advised that this is nowhere close to where I get off. I walk to him and hand him 500 shillings!! That is a man willing to do anything to have some food… I respect that!! He wasn’t asking for money, he was asking for a job!! He is completely confused by my deed!! Now I am 500 shillings short of buying my bicycle- but at least i got to feed someone!! I BRAG ABOUT MY GOOD DEEDS =) I LOVE IT!

Lets go back to church (SCENE 2) Now this little girl seated in front of me has this biro pen and blue ink all over her dress!! She is trying to get her pen to write. She has sucked and flicked and threw it on the floor!! Moral of this small bit-SUCKING BIRO PENS IS SO YUCK!!!

I will leave now! Have to get ready for my second degree!! Sigh! Education is from Lucifer!!

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Posted by on January 17, 2011 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

I am not well today. I was diagnosed with acute laziness this morning. I am sorry I will not be alive long enough to see your beautiful face again. Doctors here in India say i have 5 months but my Belgium doctors say its nothing more than a month! I am confused my love… confused by the fact that I will miss you until I am no more…

Aunt Sue is here with me and will not stop telling me that I will make it… She prays everyday. I pray with her but I do not shut my eyes… If there is truly a demon in me and  prayers will actually send it away, I want to watch it leave…

My Doris, the hours I spend with you in thought is somewhere close to 25 hours a day… I see you when I get up and feel you when I go to sleep… Sometimes I am afraid to fall asleep because I am afraid I might die before I get to start dreaming about you… I am scared of that little gap between reality and dream which I have no control over…

Love, I went to watch a movie today… The Tourist. Heard about it? Its Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. I can see the spark in your eyes already. I am not sure if its gotten to Africa yet though. I went with Ru. I know you are wondering who Ru is. She is this beautiful woman I met sometime in October. I know we haven't been apart long enough to start seeing other people, but sweetheart she is perfect. You told me if I was ever to see someone else, she wouldn't be anything less than perfect… I obeyed that. we have been together 11 weeks now. All I can say is that I didn't know I could love this much. I have told her a lot about you. How we met and moments we shared. She loves you and I hope you two get to meet someday.  2009-06-04

I am not ending what we have my Love, for what we have is eternal! I am not trying to say you are not perfect, it is from you that I learnt human perfection. you have taught me how to choose right.

From the movies I walked to work. I saw the house I told you I would buy for us on our wedding day. IfI die before that day my love, I have 100,000,000 ksh buried under our kitchen floor (the cabin in Italy) with it are 5 names of people I trust with my life. Names of 5 friends. One, the first one is an architect, he will help with the blueprints. the second, a pastor, he will pray everything goes well. The third a gardener , who will make sure the compound will always be beautiful when you wake up in the morning. The fourth, a doctor, who will make sure you live to be four times as old as I was and the last one, a personal assistant, to make sure you spend that money right. 

I love you Doris….


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Posted by on January 11, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Dear Doris,

I know what you are thinking… This post is not about your gay brother…. the one I don't like… This is bigger than one gay man…. Just so you know I don't like him because he is annoying and not because he sleeps with other men… we are above that, aren't we Chuck?

Moving on to global warming…


I don't know about you but i think the phrase is pretty straight forward… I simply put it as warming of the globe!! Some non scholars might try to confuse you by saying it is defined as increase of the average temperature on Earth. when the earth heats up,hurricanes, draught & floods are getting more frequent… PURE BULLSHIT!! stick to my simple definition! 


Homosexuality ladies and gentlemen, is when a man finds interest in another man(be advised I am talking about men of the same sex) to make it simpler for the kids… it is mmmm…. how do I put this without using the words heterosexual-homosexual continuum?? 

I don't know what the question wants me to discuss….   Ice_cream_van

Ill say everything I know on this topic….

Majority of homosexuals believe they were born that way… this comforts them!! However, there is no scientific proof of this!! by THIS i mean, born gay!

I also know that a Luo homosexual is called Homondi!!! Get it?? hahaha!! 

Please be advised that I am not an anti gay blah blah.  This post has nothing to do with what I feel about the gay community!! I am just saying!!


I will need your full attention here because this is a very sensitive topic that can be misinterpreted!! We earlier saw that global warming is warming of the globe and homosexuality is erotic attraction to members of the same sex and who usually, but not necessarily, engages in overt sexual relations with them… I got you with that one didn't i? =)

If you look closely, you will find that it is a phenomenon that is very tricky and hard to understand….  Come with me through this mystic journey… There is only one explanation… and you must be ver stupid waiting to hear it from me…I cant believe you are waiting for me to tell you how global warming is related to homosexuality!! You disgust me!!

That is all….

4. ARE YOU A HOMOSEXUAL? (58 mks)Climate_bear

Go fu*k a horse you piece of sh*t….



I want to apologise for the use of foul lunguage in this educational piece. I say fu*K in anger just like most of us humans do… If you are 18 years and below, you should be outside making friends and not sit there reading this because iI use words like Fuck and Motherfucker* and Ass hole and bullshit which are not very good for you… Find it in your tiny heart to forgive me!!!



Posted by on January 7, 2011 in Uncategorized


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Dear Doris,

Oh my God, I have missed you so much!! My heart is pounding so hard as i type this… you know when you want to go to the next sentence without finishing the one you are currently in? Yeah… that feeling!! 

its drizzling outside,  i am at the office now,  sitting inside my little office listening to the gentle patter of the raindrops on the roof. The meeting ended early today so I will have time to write a letter or two, yours being one of them. 

I love you Doris!!

on to less important things!! MY FUCKIN HOLIDAY!!!

Where do I start… 

There's nothing much to talk about really! Spent most of my holiday on the road!! Went to shagz for christmas… my shagz is not anywhere close-as in you can seeUranus very clearly from my back yard!! Its that far!! Its somewhere close to a bordering country… moving on!! So we drove to shagz for christmas… then my grandma passed away… then drove back to Nairobi to prepare for the funeral, then drove back like in 2 days… then we were sleeping in a different town from shagz… and we had to drive to shagz every morning and back !! if you have been following, you have probably realized that we were on the road 30% of the whole time!! 

So our holiday plans were cancelled because of the funeral… oh my days!!!

i am getting depressed as i write this, so i will stop here and strat a new letter without funerals and cancelled road trips!!

p.s- i have noticed that you dont know me well enough!! The next letter will help you out!!


What I have for you is great!!! Oh my Doris. 


Posted by on January 4, 2011 in Uncategorized


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I dont know what this is about!

Dear Doris,

This might be my last letter this year. Do not cry, inevitable circumstances my love. But be sure that if i get wireless internet, i WILL write. But if I may ask, Doris, I will be in shagz, thats South of Nyanza, where roads were built the other day… do you think there is any chance of getting wireless internet… or JUST INTERNET??! 

I am sorry !!

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

But before i go my sweet, i would like to inform you of our pending elopement!! Have you decided if you want to come with me??

Ladies and gentlemen, as you have noticed I have nothing to write about!! Before I embarrass myself, I shall bid you goodbye… 

May you always have work for your hands to do.
May your pockets hold always a coin or two.
May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.
May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.
May the hand of a friend always be near you.
And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Yours now and forever…

Sketch. 1997-05-23

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Posted by on December 22, 2010 in Uncategorized


Love and hate

Dearest Doris,

Good morning my one and only, I am sorry I didnt write to you during the weekend like I promosed, I have no reason or excuse because Rome has excellent internet- that’s where I was.

Moving on…..

I had something very important to write about but I am absolutely blank…

Remembered what I wanted to say….


It is a movie… I am an artist, I do graffitti a lot… My tag name is an eyesore in particular parts of this town ie Houston Texas!!! Haha. Back to business, with my status as an artist, the movie title sold… I got it immediately if not before….

So I get home all excited. I plug in my external hard drive to the laptop and double click on The Graffitti Artist…

THE MOVIE HAS NO TALKING…. No one has said a word 45 minutes into the movie….
It’s about a teenage boy who is into graffiti. He lives alone in a small house. He steals food and keeps on getting arrested… He has no friends or family… He is completely alone!!

It was a good movie not considering the very annoying lack of speech…. Until he meets another Graf artist like himself. Another teenage boy who is more organised- doesn’t steal coz he has enough money blah blah… Has a bigger house and lives alone.

The first boy moves in with the second and one thing leads to another…. By that I mean they start making out and touching each other…. I have nothing to say!!! But I am extremely dissapointed in those two artists!!! I am not an ati gay blah blah blah but I do not appreciate when…. You know what, I have nothing to say!!!

In other news, Kenya airways has this advert on radio where this woman makes a call in the middle of the night to book a flight for her boss… Her husbadnd gets pissed and grabs the phone… He gets the customer care… Blah blah! Then decides to book a flight to sijui where!!! In the middle of the fuckin night… Moral of the story, it has no moral…. It’s a terrible advert!!

I have to go! Macho love.

Love and hate

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Posted by on December 20, 2010 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

Its only 10am and I am hungry shitless! I have been using this ‘shitless’ word a lot lately!! Anyhu, I didn’t have breakfast… I never have breakfast!! But this hunger for today is abnormal! I think I am not the only one involved-maybe a few million worms and me!! But the thing that got me more hungry is when my mother texted a few minutes ago asking why I did not carry my samosas!!! I almost collapsed!! If it were not for you my love, I would have gone back home to get them!!

Moving on…

Today I want to talk to you about NAMES!!! Before I get into that, do you know you are more likely to know the guy you have 4 friends in common with than the one you have 35 friends in common with! FACEBOOK!

Where was I before all this rudeness! Yeah, NAMES!

1.    Virginia

I don’t understand why you would name your child-VIRGINIA! Out of all the names… Virginia?? I mean… it reminds you of so many wrong things… like bread and fish!! I saw the look in your face. I know what you thought I was going to say! I don’t think I would listen to what you are saying if your name was Vagina…sorry, I mean Virginia!!

2.   Agatha

Agatha is a beautiful name, but not where I come from!! Let me take that sentence again – Agatha is a beautiful name when twanged! Try it in a luo accent!! I would die every time I had to call my daughter!!

“AGATHA! AGATHA! BI KA!” that in English is  “AGATHA! AGATHA! The food is burning!” I am tired of explaining every Italian word I use!!! LEARN SOMETHING!!

3.   Jesus!

Father forgive me for using thy name in vain!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU NAME YOUR CHILD JESUS! THA FU**! Here I am apologizing for using his name ONCE, and you have to call your son every time you need him!! MEYYNNN!!

I had a friend named Jesus in 4th grade! He was a very stubborn kid. Never did his homework, was always in the noisemakers list, always late in the morning… If it wasn’t for him, I would have been the worst kid in school – no matter how hard I tried, he was always a few steps ahead of me!! If I faked a headache, he broke his arm. If I copied someone’s homework, he copied mine!! His name was everywhere!!

“Jesus this and Jesus that!!”

4.   Romeo!!

Hahaha! Ok I am not into  tribalism, but imagine a Kikuyu man named Romeo!! Romeo Waweru Kamau!! It almost sounds like you can write Harry Potter!! Get it? J.K Rowling=R.W Kamau! Hahaahah!! My word!

I hate when people get names from fairy tales, like

5.    Cinderella and

6.   Snow White!!

Look at it this way, these people were created by someone to help children go to sleep = BED TIME STORIES!!!


Now this name I like! It is the weirdest name I have ever heard, but I like it! My first girlfriend was called Shyrose!! That was like 45 years ago!! It’s a mouth full.

Imagine having to call her in anger… “SHYROTH??! COME HERE YOU WHORE!!!” That’s if I found her cheating!!!

I ABHORE CHEATING!!! Did I spell ABHORE right!! Haha!! This just came to me… I ABHORE WHORES! Hahaha! My language has become very filthy!! I have worked extremely hard to improve on my spelling then now I have to deal with FILTH! My Word!


You have to admit my spelling has become really good… Its called – SPELL CHECK BAIBE!


8.   Angel

Then last but not best 9get it??)hahaha! Angel!!! I do not understand the logic of naming your child-ANGEL! I am not hating!! It means ‘messenger of God ‘ and blah blah, all flowery and innocent!! NYE NYE! I just don’t like it and I have no reason whatsoever!!


Disclaimer: If you are reading this and your name appears here, I am terribly sorry for not liking your name!! If you are my friend and your name is here, just ignore it, I didn’t mean not  to like it…. If you are offended- I am sorry and I promise never to write about names I hate until I have learnt to love yours =) I am such a sweetheart!!!


Good morrow, my love. I have to go pick my nose. I have a flu and mucus keeps on drying up inside!! I love removing them using my bare finger!!! Kisses!!






Posted by on December 15, 2010 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

I ask thee not to hate me for my silence!! The Bahamas has terrible internet!!! 

On to the real shit!!

My topic is absolutely irrelevant!! You will never find celebrity sex tapes here!! I googled  'most googled'  and CELEBRITY SEX TAPES popped up!! this should boost my daily views by millions!!! I am so sneaky!

Has anyone ever told you "DUNIA NI DUARA?" to those who do not understand Italian, its "I AM SORRY I FARTED!"

Moving on… so have you heard those kind words before!! Well ladies and gentlemen, its true!!! I will explain!!

9 months ago the boys and I went to some chic's birthday party at The Loft!! Children were everywhere…. like Nyoyo!!! When I say children I mean 16 [almost nude] year olds!! They were everywhere!! But thats not the point!! My boys and I looked so old we were almost frozen!!! But that's not my story….

10 months ago I met some chic at java. To those who haven't been to The bahamas, Java is a coffee shop! We shared a table coz the place was so packed!! Long story short, I paid her bill!!! 

Come back to The Loft!!! I see this chic and I am like well well well… time to pay what you owe! 

I walk to her slowlllllyyy… Leaving the pack behind!! She was at the bar struggling to buy a drink!! I tap her shoulder campaigning for a 'HEYY HANDSOME!!!'

"EXCUSE YOU<, DO I KNOW YOU!!!?" Spartan

My clear skies were now clouded and dark!! I walked back to the pack almost crying!!!

1 day ago, a woman comes to my shop!! I am painting a pair of shoes! 

"Hi, I called you yesterday!! I wanted you to meet my daughter who is an aspiring artist and wants to be like you someday!!" she started!! I did her fathers portrait some time back!!

My chest pumps up with pride!! SOMEONE WANTS TO BE LIKE ME WHEN THEY GROW UP!! 

The woman then sticks her head out of the shop and calls out in Spanish….

" Wangari, spanish spanish spanish!" 

Here it comes…. Guess who wants to be come like Ian Arunga when they grow up…. haha!! Wangari is miss THE LOFT!!! hAHAHA! MY HEAVENS!

I almost said "EXCUSE YOU, DO I KNOW YOU!!!?" when she brought out her hand for a shake!! My hands had paint so I refused!! 

"Kwani munajuana?" (that is 'ISNT HE SOMETHING' in Spanish! The woman says after seeing the disbelief in my face!!

"No, Ma'am, we havent met before!" I say quickly before Wangari could answer!!

Moral of the story….


in English..



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Posted by on December 10, 2010 in Uncategorized




Kwa Mpenzi wangu wa dhati Dora,

Leo niliamka na mawazo mengi akilini juu ya kunyamaza kwako!! Naelewa kwamba sijaonyesha effort kuyarekebisha makosa yangu uliyoyakana tangu tuzungumze wiki uliyopita!! Nasema pole mpenzi. Ntajaribu vilivyo!

Nimekuwa katika mkutano tangu saa tatu asubuhi, nimechoka kamapunda aliyevuta lori akiwa mjaa mzito. 71973_1663987127741_1479120589_31626031_8196979_n

Tukiyazingatia vitu venye uzito, wikendi uliopita mimi na marafiki na familia tulienda safari fupi na nia ya kupumzika na kujuana vema. Kama kweli kulikuwa na usondo ya kutosha!! Dora, unakumbuka nilipokuelezea mimi sinyui pombe? Haya basi, baada ya miaka moja na mwezi moja, nilijaribu pombe kwa sababu ya mawazo mbali mbali. Nilipoanza kulewa, nikakumbuka hizo sababu zote zilizonifanya nikaache pombe. Niliterereka na kuteseka nilipoanza kuyaona majitu zangu!! Mengi kuliko hayo nikumbushe tutakapokutana nikuelezee!! Lo Loooo!

Tukiangalia vitu vingine, mimi hushinda nimeshangaa maisha yangu yanaelekea wapi!! Jana usiku kabla nilale nilishambuliwa na mawazo haya! Nilijinyoosha katika godoro langu nakuyai-analyze kitambo (the past!!hahah) Sikuyajiba swali lolote niliojiuliza manake ni kucrazy!!! 

Dora mpenzi, kabla niyauharibu lugha huu huu, nitakomea hapa, angalau hata mimi nirudi kazini.Nakupenda na sijiskii nakuacha kuongea nawe, lakini mpenzi nikuulizee, Nikifukuzwa kazi tutakula penzi???

Na hayo mafupi, niruhusu nimalizie hapa barua huu hapa. 

Usisahau kamwe upendo mkubwa wangu kwako sa hii na milele.



Posted by on November 29, 2010 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

So I had all these stories I wanted to tell you but I can remember  a single one!!!! So I will tell you random stories that might not make sense!!

So I dreamt I shit my pants last night!! You remember when you were a kid and you would dream you are pissing and wake up swimming in a blotted pool of your own piss?? It would be this beautiful feeling of you emptying your bladder… Then you would wake up to the wetness of the mattress??!!! Remember?? Well you can imagine how petrified I was when I woke up after a dream of shitting!!! I could move!! A man of my age and lifestyle…. shitting my pants would be UTTER 'WICH KUOT' (that's embarrassment in Italian) You will not believe this but I tried squeezing my butt cheeks just to confirm!!!


The pictures that rushed through my brains!!!! Pasta would laugh at me so badly I would DIE!!! OH my God….. THE PICTURES WERE VIVID!!! The neighbors would see me take my mattress outside!!! It would make status updates on Facebook and become a trend on Twitter!!! 

" today I heard the funniest story #ianpoopedinbed"


"OMG @ian sketch arunga"


"ROTFLMAO #ianpoopedinbed"

HAHAHAHA! I would die!! I am sure you have already noticed that I am using past tense which means I did not shit my pants!!! 

I have just remembered something I wanted to say…. THE ABBREVIATIONS people use on Facebook!!!! I hate them!!! It take me ages to  get them!! So I saw a new one last week… ION!!! For a split second, I thought someone spelt my name wrong… apparently it means… IN OTHER NEWS!!! 

The other one I hate is LOL…. My Lord(ML)!!!

Too much work to do… But lemme go shit for real first!!! 

Talking about shit, has anyone seen the OYO billboards all over town with a green cow with red spots?? And it has a slogan "Give your food a beefy taste" WHAT THE FUCKKKKKK!!! I am terribly sorry for cussing, didn't know you were there!!! But comparing good food to beef does not sound right at all! BTW(by the way) OYO is special seasoning or spice


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Posted by on November 26, 2010 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

I could not wait to talk to you  today!! I have 75 funny stories!! I hope you already know by 75 i mean one!! 

So I wake up 30 minutes late and I am running up and down the stairs, forgetting something with each ascend and another with each descend!! So my small brother has closed school and is already going for holiday tuition ( i abhorred them, MY GOD!!!) He is supposed to get up at 6:30am and should be out of the house by 7am!! Apparently he is supposed to be woken up by by mother (i learnt of this detail this morning)!! My brother was awake by 6am… but was dead silent facebooking under his duvet! At 8am, my mother shouts out his name from downstairs…. A34_homer3


During my time, if you were woken up… wacha even  being late… it was war!! I am talking Pearl Harbour shit!!! You can imagine the blood shed if you are woken up…. and you are 1 hour 30 minutes late!!! 


My mother does not go all BANKAI (A zanpakutou's final form is called "Ban-Kai", which means "Full Release". It usually takes many years to master it. A bankai can be ten times more powerful than the first release, "Shi-Kai". "Ban-Kai" is a japanese term used in "Bleach".) on him… Instead, she says… and i quote…

"Ju-ba nyathina (Ju-ba my child), I am sorry I did not wake you up early… I forgot" Now ladies and gentlemen, if you have ever come across a better mother, yours must have been Mother Teresa!! 

Then listen the the funny part, my brother goes like….

" Its fine Mama!!!" then looks at me and smiles!!! HE HAS ALREADY MISSED A CLASS BUT CAN AFFORD TO LOOK AT ME AND SMILE!!!! Sigh!!!

My mother asks me if I can drop him to 'school' on my way to work…. He shouts from the bathroom,

" I will go by myself Mama!!!"

He knew very well that if he was coming with me, it was going to be in the next two minutes!!! But I think he wanted to miss one more class!!

I have to go now my love…. 

p.s Mother randomly told us she is going to Egypt today!! This was yesterday at 10:30pm!! I dont know why I was not told this earlie!! Its not like a list for 'THINGS YOU SHOULD BRING ME' is easy to make!! OOhh the agony!!!

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Posted by on November 24, 2010 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

If you are reading this expecting to learn 5 things men hate about women, I advise you to stop at this point and read no further… I used the title to get your attention. If you are at this point and did not stop where i told you to then you must be one disobedient human being!! If you are here, then nothing will stop you!!  If you go on to the next sentence, YOU ARE STUPID!!! I am surprised you are still reading!!


Where were we before you refused to stop reading??? Yes, at the beggining!! 

My Doris, greetings for the day! I am sorry to have taken so long tom talk to you today!! The lights went out…. ignore all the facebook updates and random events I put up today, I used my phone!! I am not lying by the way!!!

Bumper-stickers-3 If you have the least bit of brain in you, you have probably noticed that I have nothing to say and I am just beating about the bush trying to get something to write about!! You know, like right now…. yeah!!

Ok I have absolutely nothing to write about today, so i will tell you a story about myself many years ago!! So we had this Mboch ( for those who do not know what a mboch is, it is a hair brush) Yeah, where was I… Yeah, her name was Grace or was it Celestine?? Wha'evaaa!!! hahaha!!! I just said wha'evaaa!! Yeah… for the less educated, you must be very confused now that our hair brush has a name… It talks too!!! So Grace/Celestine  told me this story of how her mother was slapped by her shadow until she died!!! Hahahaha!! If you didnt know what mboch is at the beginning of my story… I can imagine the look on your face!!

So ladies and gentlemen, this was a very scary, frightening, alarming, terrifying, petrifying, hair-raising, spine-chilling, blood-curdling,bone-chilling, chilling, horrifying, nerve-racking, fearsome, unnerving; eerie, sinister, creepy, spine-tingling,spooky, hairy story to go on telling a child who could barely read or run!!! I hear stories of kids freaked out by the DARK…. That can be sorted by dim lighting!! Imagine a kid, in this case myself, scared of shadows…. in Kisumu, a town where electricity goes like every two seconds and we have to use candles that project HUGE SHADOWS ON THE WALL…. I almost died this one time when the lights went out one night and I was drawing on the wall standing on top of a banker bed…. I jumped… Dont look at me like it was nothing!! With my size at the point that jump was well above four storeys!!!

I can never get myself to say Motherfucker* to anyone… but they are so many out there!!! If you are below the age of 21 and you just read that filthy cuss word, I am sorry, but i remember very clearly asking you to stop reading way back…. Its your fault!!!


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Posted by on November 23, 2010 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

My meeting starts in seven minutes and I will be in it almost the whole day!!! So consider yourself very special!!

My weekend was…well…sad!! Two funerals!! Took a bus to Kisumu on Thursday night ( Yes I took Friday off) It was the worst bus ride ever since  I took a bus from shagz with our house help of the time who had 2 litres of soda and 5 mandazis before we left and couldnt stop farting!!! 

have to go…. will talk after the meeting. In the meantime, watch this  

I am back, two hours later. So where were we? Yeah, the farting mboch!!

p.s – i hope you already know that my title is absolutely irrelevant!! So I got to Kisumu at 4am and was awake till 10!! The funeral service was starting in an hour!! So wore my suit and did my tie… THEN NO BLACK SOCKS!!! I FUCKIN* FORGOT MY BLACK SOCKS!!! I am sorry for cussing!!! So I ask my neighbor for black socks (he is my friend-has been formost of my years)  So this boy goes to their house and comes back with grey ankle socks written in capital letters 'SPECIAL'!! This kid walked all the way to their house, looked for a pair of black sock, didnt find, then decide "oh, these are special!!" I fail to fathom!! So I dash to town to get a new pair of black socks!!!

The funeral service went on really well!! I will miss you Mullah!

It was cool seeing old friends!! Talking about old friends!! You know those little girls back in primary school?? The ones that were like 4 classes behind you??! well I saw a few, THEY WERE ANYTHING BUT LITTLE!! Those small girls were now proud owners amazing mansions and oil fields!! I am talking about boobs and ass!!! I was very confused!! i felt old!!

My friends and I went to Bondo later on the same day for another funeral (a friends grandma)!! I slept all the way!! Bondo was cool. Nothing much to say about that except i had a shot of tequila!!! YES, after 1 year one month of not drinking!! SUE ME!! I felt this rush… like a know!!haha!! I kept on knocking things off the bar! 

My eyes are getting better, at least I can see the asterix on the key board… Please tell me if this is it '&'. Is it?

I had a nightmare that the boy who gave me the 'SPECIAL' socks fell in a pit latrine and died!! I woke up sweating like a horse never would!!

Babes, let me get back to work.. Kesho pia ni siku!!! 













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Posted by on November 22, 2010 in Uncategorized



Dearest Doris,

Where do I start!? 

First of all, I am really sorry for having gone so long!! I wasnt working late this time, or had to spend the night at church praying!! It is clear that i have been cheating on you, and I am so sorry…. all i ask for is another chance! Jaherana, will you give me another chance to fix this?? As in fix my watch!!

Moving on…

I met a stupid woman at the police station today!! Remind me to tell you why I was at the police station later on!!! Where were we… yeah, the fool!! So i am standing there waiting to be served (SERVICE TO ALL is the slogan) This Bit** walks in(dressed pretty well and way past her middle ages), because she came in in an X6, something lies to her that she is more important than me (WHICH MIGHT BE TRUE) and comes and stands in front of me… I didnt mind that. My father taught me to let my elders go first (That last statement is a lie…) She is served quickly…. I had been standing there for 5 minutes and no one moved a butt muscle…. I was still eazy* and let her finish….

Then Doris, she looks at me and sneers… I hadnt done shit!! She mumbles something in Kikuyu!! all this time i keep on telling myself 

Images " Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,  bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also." look it up, its somwhere in Luke!!

I give her no mind!! Not until she steps on my shoe on her way out… NOW my love, I will take a whole load of shit, but will never take diarrhea! Does that make sense??!! I dont know what got over me… Did i mention I was wearing shoes by NEXT!!!? She fuckin* steps on me!!! Sorry for cussing!! 

I go on autopilot…

"what the fuck is wrong with you?" I snap!! I quickly regress when I catch a glimpse of a cop from the side of my eye!! A man walks out of the X6 which she came in… I am almost pissing my pants but I keep my stern face!! 

"kijana hiyo ni heshima kweli!!" a female cop asks ni utter ignorance of the situation!!

"heshima ni matako yako!!" i cuss in my head!!!

The idiotic fool who stepped on me, still in shock is rooted on the spot!!! 

She walks into her car without saying a word!!! her and her bodyguard sijui driver! 

I turn to the female cop and in my innocent(usual) voice ask…." will you serve me or not?"

I am served very quickly and I am on my way to work in seconds!!!!


Why was i at the police station?

if you remember clearly, I lost my wallet at a concert two weekends ago! I went to report that and get an abstract coz I was broke and I have to go for  friends funeral in Kisumu tonight!!! 

Dont mess with me today… I have worn my power purple SHIRT, my trench coat  and shoes by NEXT!! I am bulletproof!!!


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Posted by on November 18, 2010 in Uncategorized


Dear Doris, I am terribly

Dear Doris,
I am terribly sorry for going this long!! You must think its over between us… which isn't not the case!! What we have is anything but over!! So wipe those tears and toughen that upper lip!!! I have a confession to make… MY love, I have been cheating on you terribly!! I know you knew this would happen from the first day we met her!! Her being the woman i am cheating on you with!!

In worse news, yesterday was the worst day of my life this year!! Does that last statement even make sense??
First of all i lost my wallet!! I was pick pocketed at the Alaine concert!! Funny thing is that i saw who did it and even caught him and hit him.. Then I saw how big he was and i let go faster than you could say,
 "shit he is huge!' he got lost in the
crowd in a split second!! Among the numerous things i lost in my wallet were:
My ATM card (now i am so broke I should live in the crevices of a random church with my fellow broke asses- THE MICE!)
M ID card that took me 4 years to get!! WHAT THE FU*k!! This world is everything but my home!!!
My Money!! Considering I had just been paid, you can imagine how much went… But those are replace-ables!!
And now the most important item… MY CONDOMS!!! I can see the look in your face… I don't use them…. I can see your face twitch!! As in, i do not use them because I do not have sex!! I am saving my virgin self for marriage… Even my wife will not get some until we are married 6 years!!! HA! So i always have random condoms in my wallet for the people around me who insist on having sex before marriage!! I pray they see the light i saw!!! Like i was saying, I keep them for the people around me. Not that they cannot afford 'em… but it comes a
time when you just need 'em and you…Ugh why im I even explaining myself!!! You know very well what I am trying to say!!! So yeah, those too also went with my wallet, looks like my people will be having a lot of unprotected sex these coming few days!! HAHA!

I need a new wallet!!!

i know you are thinking "that's all?? for worst day this year??"
well I have two more stories that will blow your mind!! But I will not say them. All you have to do now is trust that yesterday was, by far, my worst day this year!!!

But the best part of the terrible day was the evening…. remind me to tell you about this evening!! =) I absolutely loved it!!

P.s- I think my driving license renewal receipt was in there too… DEAR DORIS, this is what you term as FUCKED. i am terribly sorry for cussing!!

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Posted by on November 8, 2010 in Uncategorized



Dear Doris,

I am laughing my ass off and after I tell you why…you will be laughing your ass off too!! HAHAHAHA!! It is a beautiful day…. Truly is!! Not many days start with me ROLLING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY ASS OFF also known as ROTFLMAO in this time!!!

So I was looking for my education papers today morning. You know how annoying it is to look for old transcripts and certificates!! I find it very annoying because I suck at filling my documents!!! They are everywhere!! So some were in this file called LOVE LETTERS!!! hahaha!! Its an old file from high school..and in this file were all my letters from high school….From that file you could follow up on any of my high school relationships from scratch… YET I DONT DO THAT FOR MY EDUCATION DOCUMENTS!!! As we speak, there is absolutely no evidence that i was in nursery school…. No papers, no pictures, no nothing!! But this isnt about my education…this is about my letters!!!

So I will tell you about a few of the women I went out with!!! HAHAAH!!

1. Sheila!!

I met Sheila randomly at a set book play!! I was asleep and she asked me to wake up.. She wrote me a note…see below!!


"Sema ian,

Pliz dont it negatively but pliz wacha kusleep. From Sheila, Reply.

(the girl from Aluor wearing spec*)"

Now listen very carefully…i dont know where she got my name from…wait a minute… i was famous…so yeah i know where she got my name from, maybe the girl seated next to her!! hahaah! So She spelt specs wrong is there even a right spelling… i dont think that word even exists…look it up!! its short for specifications!!! I looked round and not only was she the only girl from Aluor with glasses but the only student in the whole fu*n room!! She wasnt looking bad..just saying!! I reply…

"I wouldnt be asleep if you were sitting right next to me…" hahaha!!! You have to admit i am smooth!haha! My other woman from a different school sees me passing the note and is FURIOUS!!! She doesnt say a word!!!I carry ny seat and sit next to Sheila and we talk through the whole play… I knew I was going to ace english anyway…. My relationship with Sheila didnt last long… Apparently she was threatened by my other girlriend who was bigger than her…. HAHAHA!!She wrote me a letter… I hope you can read…

My letters

  My letters1

I Feel like this is already too much for one post!! So ill continue the saga in my next post just now!!!

It gets juicier…..

p.s – you can tell how old i am from the colour of the paper…. i am old Doris…..


Posted by on October 28, 2010 in Uncategorized


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Dear Doris,

So i follow my routine – get to the office, switch on my already on computer because i sneaked out the day before and left my music playing so people would think i am still around!! I then plug my ipod and shuffle my music!!! Be advised that i have 4856 songs in my ipod, so its hard to ever listen to the same song!! So here i am, i press play and the 1st song that comes up is Sing Out by Ron Kenoly!! I have very few gospel songs so never before have they always come up in my play list!! I get excited and sing along happily!!! I sit back and think about the past… how we were forced to sing this song in primary school!!! i laugh lightly!!!

The second song is Celebrate Jesus by Don Moen!! Now something is definitely up! Doris, I have 36 gospel songs out of all my 4856!!! Two songs following each other was some murd coincidence!! I let it slide and Celebrate Jesus!! Its not like its a bad thing right??

Now this next one is scary… the third song that plays is Jesus is the Answer by Yolanda Adams. I am totally freaked out. This has to be a sign!! So I am asking myself all these questions…

2010-06-23Is it something i did?

is it a sign? 

i start reviewing my prayers. When was the last time I prayed, and when was the last time I thanked God and when…and when…..and when……

You know how all these gospel songs end in random applause?? yeah, so Jesus is the answer ends in the same…. There is an abnormal pause between this and the next song! I wait!! Just before i hit the next button… Above all by Lenny Leblanc!! I laugh loudly in disbelief and leave my office to fix myself a cup of tea!! I do not stop my music though. I go outside with my tea and randomly pace round the compound….

i lose track of time and get lost in thought… my tea now cold… then someone shouts from the office, "Ian you have very nice gospel music!"

I come back to my office and Lilly of the valley by Forester Sisters is playing!! Just out of curiosity i click Previous just to check what song played before this…..

The Potter's Hand by Darlene Zschech!!

Doris I am scared!!! just so you know Napesi by Makoma is playing as we speak..i mean write!!


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Posted by on October 27, 2010 in Uncategorized


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