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5 Cops & A Virgin


My Diamond Doris,

I have improved my flower… Not a week has passed since my last letter. Thoughts of you would not let another second pass. I have just read the last letter I wrote to you. I want to apologise for my stupidity. I was not serious about the threats. I made fool out of myself and proved unworthy of your love… I hope this apology finds your heart like you found mine!

I have a head ache. It is not like any headache I have had before. It has been going on for 3 days straight now. It is not strong, so it is very easy to ignore it. My love, I might be dying.

My fuel light has been on since Thursday last week. I am yearning for drama. The thing just won’t stall!

I left the house early today for work… My alarm went off after when I was having breakfast…

On my way to work i meet about 6 traffic cops. It’s a very short distance to work, so 6 is on the higher ide. A random cop is always walking around the Kileleshwa Police station. Most of the time he is buying maize or just dizzily walking around thinking of all his problems… 2 are always at the Chiromo bus stop! These are the trickiest ones. I am coming back to these ones, my story lies there.

Another two random cops are always at the Westlands roundabout, one of them, more often than not, a woman… Spending your day in jail, as you can see, can be arranged with no effort… Lets go back to the two niggas at Chiromo cops stop.

These cops have piki pikis so there is no escaping these ones!

Scene 1 Act 1

I am listening to a gospel CD I just got. Something has always told me nothing goes wrong when you are driving and jamming to some praise and worship jams. That something has been right… Until today!

I get to Chiromo and I am pulled over! Normally when this happens, you quickly go through a list of what might get you into shit* before the cop gets to your window!

I go through my list… I was on the phone, I have no ‘life savers’, I have no idea where my spare wheel is, I have no clue where my driving licence is… I have never had an ID, I am not  wearing my seat belt, I can’t remember when my insurance is supposed to be expiring so it might have even expired! And my fuel light is on… I am not sure if that is a crime or not!

As is, I deserve a life sentence…

The man walks straight to my insurance sticker… He looks at it for a little while then walks to my window! My heart is now on the back seat… I am so lifeless!

“Fungua boot kijana,” he spits… I oblige!

I was in the shitter for sure!

The boot slams shut!

Then he comes to my window! I was waiting for him to read me my rights!

“Unafika Westlands hapo roundabout?” the uniform asks with no shame! I am currently in a state that does not allow me to be a bitch… “Ndio boss!” I answer… Praising him!

He walks to the co driver’s side and gets in!!!!

WHAT THE FUCH WAS GOING ON!!! HOW THE HELL DID I FORGET TO LOCK MY DOORS!!!

“Twende!” He orders… The balls in this man were just amazing!

I had graduated from fear to anger! I was about to hit a cop (exaggeration kidogo)

“Ebu rudisha volume chini kidogo!” He orders… I oblige!

My leather bag was placed at his feet… He takes it and places it on the back seat… I was going to ram into the truck in front of us and kill us both! He had reached the nerve that comes after the last one!

I can’t speed because some stupid truck in front of me and I can’t overtake because of… because… Wait, why didn’t I think of this?!

We get to Westlands roundabout and I am pulling over…

“Unafika Sarit?” he asks just before I stopped…

“Yezz!” I respond… “Haiya, tuendelee…” He mutters!

Just before we get to Sarit he spits, “HAPO!” I styop right in the middle of the road as the man ordered…

“Kijana, nani alikufundisha kuendesha???” He asks, disgusted…

I almost answered, “Your mother!”

I could not wait for this man to get out of my car… He smelt of bananas and spat like a platypus with every word he said!

I was right in the middle of the road and I was not going to move until this man came out! I had had enough!

The Platz behind me is hooting senseless! Which was more annoying!

The cop is rooted on his seat waiting for me to drive to the side of the road!!!

“Shuka!” I say! I have no idea how it came out… I thought I had said it in my head! The Platz behind me was stroking my last nerve!

The cop is now looking at me bewildered!

“Ebu nipe lizens!” he says sticking out his hand!!!

He had played a winning card!! I was screwed!

“Toka nikupe!” I was now seducing trouble! I was fuched either way!

The fool comes out! I don’t understand human beings!

Something told me to speed off… I did not!

“Sina hapa!” I answer!

“Nimechelewa. Niende?” I continue!

There was a tiny demon that was just going on and on!!!! I was being an idiot but I could not stop myself! It scared me! I was still in the middle of the road! The Platz behind me had managed to go round me… It stopped next to me and its windows rolled down to reveal an extremely unattractive woman. I couldn’t see her face but her silhouette was just irregular! She drove off…

“Bahati yako… ENda!” the cop spits!! I did not understand this one bit. I was being an idiot and he let me get away with it! Something was not right… There was a warp on the law…

OR maybe it was just my gospel music :)

 

 

 

 
14 Comments

Posted by on October 29, 2012 in near death, random, Uncategorized

 

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THE KIKUYU MAN & HOW TO KILL A MOSQUITO!


Dear Doris,

My undying love for you is obvious and evident. How are you my love? I have just got a call from some weird number that a man walked out of your house this morning… Baby, what is going on?

I have a lot of stories today, thats why I have written to you twice today.

This post might sound tribalistic but please be advised that that is not the case! If there is something you disagree with please let me know! This letter is about random things I have noticed SOME Kikuyu men do.

I am a Luo man!

The Kikuyu man:

(**please be advised that not all Kikiyu men behave like this**)

1. The gold* chain!

Gold chains are classy  and in many cases a sign of wealth!

The Kikuyu man: Please be advised that the brown chain you wear round you neck is an eye sore! If you insist that you have to have something around your neck, and you insist you have to use minimal funds, try a gold plated chain… I dont wear gold chains, so I might be wrong on this one…

2. The Mary Mother of Jesus Pendant!

Ok here I am going to graze the hearts of two vast communities; the Kikuyu man and those who wear these pendants!

I am a staunch christian and will not hate on other religions! But surely, that blue pendant does not go well with your already unpleasant brown chain! But you do your thing!

3. The un buttoned shirt!

Dear Kikuyu man, Its sometimes very classy to unbutton your shirt! By unbutton i mean the top button… My friend sasa ukitoanisha vifunguo tano utasaidiwaja jameniiii! Your whole unhealthy hairy chest cavity faces the world! Si hata wewe unaona sasa? Which leads me to my next point…

4. Your health

Rick Ross passes for showing off his unhealthy physique because of his money and spending it…

The kikuyu man; I KNOWWWWW you have money, probably more than us Luos. Ukikataa gym, wear something nice to cover that mess up… Then again, what do I know!

5. Your shirt collar outside your jacket!

I have noticed you dont like wearing ties! Is it just me? I am not saying you start now!

With your un buttoned shirt, you lay your wild shirt collar on your jacket giving the public plain view of the dirt on the lining of your collar! Plus it looks terrible! Always have your shirt collar inside your jacket! OR WEAR A TIE!

6′ The phone pouch strapped to your belt!

Ok even my dad does this! I DO NOT APPROVE! It was cool at some point, if you use original products, it might still pass… But those maasai phone pouches dont work! Ai! Hapana! You look like you are walking around with a dagger!

7. Your ringtone

Sir, why do you go for the worst ringtone on your phone system!?! Simple trick, use the phones default ringtone. It might not be melodious to the hearing organs but it might pass… Like if you have a nokia, use the turururu turururu turururu ruuuu tone! it’s a classic.

8. Your smokey hands

Ok I don’t know where you get these from!

9. The suit that does not fit.

Ok, listen very carefully, if you got out to buy a suit… Tell the guy selling the suit that you need a suit that fits… Not just a suit! It’s important to know your size!

10. The tag on the sleeves of your suit!

You’d be committing a massive faux pas by leaving it on!

Ok I researched about this particular one before I included it because I thought I might be wrong. Turns out I am right! REMOVE THE F*CK*N TAG BEFORE YOU WEAR THE SUIT MAN!!!! You will not believe this but according to my reasearch, its only cheap suits with the sleeve tag…. This is why: Cheap suits flock the racks and the sellers use the sleeve tags to browse! They are for the seller to identify the suit; si yako kufloss nayo!

I am done!

I am tired so I will teach you how to kill a mosquito on Monday!

 

 

 
12 Comments

Posted by on March 23, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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SEX ON THE BEACH


My Doris,

I have been a walk this morning with a book in my hand, but as usual I have been occupied with nothing but you: I wish I could say in an agreeable manner. I am tormented day and night. They talk of my going to Italy. ‘Tis certain I shall never recover if I am to be so long separate from you: yet with all this devotion to you I cannot persuade myself into any confidence of you…

i tremble  at the thought of never seeing you again! I pray every night that i would see you soon… feel your tender touch… your soft lips against mine… your skin brushing against my own!

A friend once told me… “love is when she conquers your every thought!” Doris you reign my thoughts and tumble upon my dreams… YOu have complete power over me… I am weak before you my love!

I might act like i do not care sometimes…a simple mechanism to protect my heart from pain that you have put upon it before! A skill i throughly fail…

Mambo za love baadaye!

I have a story but ill make it short… its time for me to go to bed!

The other day i took a Walokana bus from my office to town…It was about 9pm. When we got to Globe roundabout* the bus slipped on the edges of Nairobi River! AS IN WE WERE GOING TO DIE!

Before we could plunge to our death I get off the bus and decide to walk to Odeon…

“boss hapa utpingwa ngeta! baki ndani ya basi tunatoka tu saa hii…” the makanga says!

I ignore the man completely…

Please be advised that since the over-pass was built THIS was one of the most dangerous places in town (i just guessed that) So i am walking fast… then in the darkness… A SHOAL OF CHOKORAS!My heart skipped several pumps… as in i had already pronounced myself dead!

To survive this, i had to walk back the opposite direction… AND FAST! So i did… AALL THE WAY ROUND GLOBE until the Central Police Station side…

I kept on hearing footsteps behind me… I couldnt look coz that is how people die in horror movies…I glimpsed under my glasses and saw a shadow… it wasnt mine coz mine was in front of me… I speed up… The shadow behind me speeds up too… I WAS BEING TAILED!! I widen my strides… But the shadow is still there… I TAKE OFF… MY LEGS RESCUE ME yani MGUU NIPONYE! I run fast! I ran for about 500 metres before i realised i was running from my own shadow!!! You know when you have 2 shadows??!

I laughed at myself all the way to Odeon!

I am typing this in the dark by the way… I know i make a lot of spelling errors but this time if you see a really weird spelling mistake it’s because I don’t use sonar!

 

I love you Doris,

Ian

The 1st paragraph of this letter is derived from the letter from John Keats to Fanny Brawne in 1820. John died not long after writing this letter. He was buried with an unopened letter from Fanny on his chest!

 

 
3 Comments

Posted by on March 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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SHOCK HAPO GLOBE ROUNABOUT


Dear Doris,

I have so many stories to tell you. My brains overflow with juicy tales. I know I havent written in a while. I have no excuse whatsoever. I guess I am tired of lying to myself we are still in love. I know you texted me last week saying you ‘luved’ me! I am sorry but my love, what the f* is ‘I luv you’ supposed to mean!? So i googled ‘luv’ and this is what I got: luv But lets not dwell on the past…

Before I go further into this, allow me to dedicate this to a fan I met last Saturday at the club. I am sorry I was a tad intoxicated when you told me your name and I can’t remember. All I know is you are beautiful and this one  is for you. @kwasijon do not say a word!

Lets get a bit serious. This story is extremely scary.

I am seated in a matatu. On the makangas seat, you know the one closest to the door? This matatu is by far the oldest one I have been on. The only unbroken window was the wind shield. The rest were either missing windows or had a polythene bag. But this is not the point!

We are stuck on traffic at Globe roundabout! Theres hooting and cussing. I was asleep until this particular point! Please note that I am always asleep in matatus… ALWAYS!

This is the point where I notice this woman on my right… No that statement is wrong… This is where I notice her shoes! She had black patent leather heels… Nothing below 4 inches… The kind of heels you don’t buy when you know you don’t have a car! She had excellent legs though and her short plaid dress was working… She had my attention… I could barely hear the hooting… I noticed she was texting using her left hand. This looked a bit weird but her face cancels out the weirdness. She was beautiful. Nothing below 60 watts i.e. YELLOW! I hope you are now familiar with the situation I am in. I have just woken up to random hooting and cussing and this beautiful woman is seated next to me… It is a bit confusing!

Just as I was getting used to my surroundings a hand darted through my window with the speed of a Kamau  and grabbed the woman’s phone. Caught me off-guard! Scared me half to death. I randomly throw my hands in the air and hit the phone out of his hand, falling on my lap. The man disappears in a fraction of a second!

Let me explain: I AM VERY EASY TO SCARE!

My heart is beating so fast i am almost shitting my pants. I am actually holding my chest! Trying to catch my breath. The woman picks the phone from my lap. “Asante sana… Haki thenx” Please be advised that she pronounced her words exactly how I have written them… Also note that all this time I didn’t look at this woman, not once!

Just when I was recovering, I look at this woman’s face… At that particular point, if I was on life support machines… a straight line would have come up followed by a beep that doesn’t stop….

Let me explain! This woman had half her face burnt out! The right side of her face was completely destroyed. I am not sure if you are seeing what I want you to see… I was recovering from first degree shock only to hit me with another one…

I let out a yelp when i saw her face… AND IT DOESNT END THERE… SHE WAS MISSING HER RIGHT HAND! Ok maybe not missing passé but her elbow downwards was missing! My heart was racing so fast. I was so confused.

“you are welcome.” I said and got off the matatu.

 
11 Comments

Posted by on February 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

A SURPRISE FOR MY READERS!


 
1 Comment

Posted by on January 14, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

DALLAHZ


Dear Doris,

Good morning lover? Calling someone lover feels funny… It is a tad heavy on the tongue… Moving on.

This one will be a long one… Where do I start?

You might be wondering what my title means… fear not, read on, you will find out!

I really want to tell you the long conversations that got me a scene on MALI but time is of the essence… Whatever that means! Lets jump straight to the main deal.

I was asked to be a guest star on MALI…

I am not feeling the way I have started this post! Lets do this again!

Dear Doris,

Good morning my love. I hope this letter finds you as beautiful as always.

I woke up with you on my mind today. How I miss you my love… My morning do not make sense anymore… They are now gray and dark since you left… The thought of your smile tries to keep me sane… I miss you!

Before I go further into this, I want you to understand we do not have a TV! Yes, sad but true! This information will be relevant after my next paragraph!

I suck at acting… I am amazing at telling stories, my tonal variation is perfect… My gestures and body movements nothing far from Denzel Washington’s on Training Day… But put a camera before me and I suddenly forget how to speak… I put on a weird voice and my heart is beating on my thigh! My feet shake so hard like I am about to take off… Cameras bring me to my knees… Those and yellow women… MALI put me between the two factors!

I have never watched MALI before because we do not have a TV! I see the billboards and posters all over the place though… All I know is that its a new tv series with a yellow woman :D I couldn’t say no when I was asked to star in it…

My scene comes in and I am playing a famous blogger… AS IN I WAS PLAYING ME… This was supposed to be easy… I am reading the script over and over and over again… But every time I see this yellow woman… I forget everything! I am sweating… Ok I was not sweating… I was freezing my ass off!

“we are rolling in 5, 4, 3…” a voice echoes…

I am on set, being interviewed by the yellow yellow, I can’t remember a single word from my script… For a second or two I was so blank… staring! Let me explain:

I love my women in red heels… I, mean, who doesn’t… BUT THERES SOMETHING A WOMAN IN BLACK HEELS WITH A RED SOLE DOES TO YOU… I manage to vulture though the first few seconds when the yellow yellow storms off the set (part of the script) I am supposed to be MAD at this (part of the script) I SWEAR TO GOD I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE MAD… All that’s going through my head is…

“yellow legs, OH MY GAWD the hells… IAN GET MAD! tiny skirt…”

Her name is Lulu…

YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY WATCH MALI… YOU WILL SEE HOW COMPLETELY CONFUSED I WAS!!!

Oh, and Dallahz is a name, beautiful sexy Luo woman… we have never met though.

Dear Dallahz, marry me, I promise never to look at Lulu again… Just tell her not to wear those heels and skirt around me and methinks we will live happily ever after!!!! See @dallahz here DALLAHZ

IN MORE DRAMATIC NEWS:

I am on a matatu to USIU seated at the front with some chic. She is extremely pretty but skinny…  ‘NEVER SCARED by Bonecrusher’ is playing on the radio! She is singing along bobbing her head… she is a bit annoying… Bonecrusher goes like'” WHOOOO AM IIIIII….” and she is like’ “BONECRUSHER MOTHERF*” this goes on for a while… I decide to completely ignore her… I shut my eyes!

She has stopped singing but still jerking violently… She is getting more violent by the second… I open my eyes ready to throw a tantrum only to see the her jerking terribly… not dancing to the song though … SHE WAS HAVING A FUCKIN SEIZURE! Her arms are all over the place… and foam all over her face! I am freaked out… I hit the driver and point at her! The driver stops the car… she is put on her back on the road side… a crowd forms around her in seconds… Everyone is a doctor… touching and grabbing! I am still in shock… One second she is ‘NEVER SCARED’ and the next she is, well… I shouldnt be joking about that!

I suck at taking charge in cases like these!! I remember sometime back as a kid, my friend and I were eating zambarau at the top of the zambarau tree (which is quite high). The boy loses grip and falls, hitting his head on a stone fracturing his skull… He blacked-out  out… I got down from the tree and walked home like nothing happened! This gives me an idea for my next post…

I have 79 new comments… To my new readers, Doris and I love you!

Now let me go for this luncheon… Congratulations on your graduation @jesuisorpah

 

 
13 Comments

Posted by on December 2, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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Page 1 | How to Write about Africa | Granta 92: The View from Africa | Magazine | Granta Magazine


Page 1 | How to Write about Africa | Granta 92: The View from Africa | Magazine | Granta Magazine.

 
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Posted by on October 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 
 
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