Dear Doris,I want to let you know that I wrote a long letter in the morning and just before I posted it, I deleted it by mistake!!! I almost farted with anger!! I was using this new software I got called Adobe contribute!! PURE TOILET CONTENT!!!
Today I am here to let you know that I am a walking corpse!! A ghost!! Dont freak out just yet because I think you are dead too!! I will explain!!Yesterday evening I was warming a few chapatis in the microwave… a little something to help me sleep! It was then that my eyes caught the 'WARNING' sign on the microwave!!Dont blame me, I am partially blind if not completely! So as my chapatis were overheating, i read the label!! That tiny label asked me not to do everything i have been doing since we got it It said:
- Don't overheat or overcook items. I was overheating a chapati as i was reading this!!!
- Cover items likely to splatter or jump out of the dish, such as beans. HAHAAHAH! No wonder the microwave always looks like a murder scene in Jack and the Beanstalk after i am done warming my beans!! Everything was making sense!! I still think covering food in the microwave is too much work!!
- Don't use plastic. oops!! These people were after my chapati… that was still warming!!!
- Always keep a fire extinguisher in your kitchen!! This had nothing to do with the microwave!! I do not see why a microwave… you know what, its cool!! Maybe its used for cleaning or something!!
- The last one was talking about leaking of radiation blah blah!! It wasnt that important! so I took my chapati out… the plastic plate felt like polytene though!!
This morning I decided to google 'safety measures at home' to check how many of them I follow. I got a lot of rules…
- Don't use any electrical appliances such as a hair dryer or electric shears when you're wet. I laughed so loudly the first few seconds after I read this!! Maybe its because I am just a f* pervert!! So yeah!!
- Do not operate electric switches with wet hands!! This one is asking me to find the towel to dry my hands in the dark!!!Keep medicine away from children in a cool and cry place!! WHERE THE F*CK IS A COOL AND DRY PLACE!!!? Then, where is this 'away from children supposed to be??! My parents failed to find it.I would climb to the top shelf where the Calpol was and get high!! Get it? Get to the top shelf to get high!!!..
- Keep alcohol out of the reach of children. In my house, the only alcohol you will find is the one in nail polish!! 90% of the residents in my house do not drink… I didnt count the random cat that chills at our window everyday!
- Install window opening restrictors… I dont even know what those are….
Bottom line is I havent been following these precautions from birth and by statistics, I am supposed to be dead and buried!In other news, i am so bored at the office i am making a continuous annoying sound….
Yours in death,