13 Mar

Dear Doris,

I was going through my things and got 70 letters I wrote to you but I did not send them!

I know it has been a tough period and I am glad you finally agreed to try go through this together. I did not send these letters because of reasons more than one!! I guess I was tired of talking to myself. I just realized i have nothing to lose. I don’t care if you do not read or reply them… All that matters is I cared enough to write! That fact will keep me going!!


My Dearest Doris,

I don’t have 50 followers yet… you must be wondering what brought me back… well, what I have for you cannot be compromised by 50 lazy people who will not follow simple instructions… For the 4 amazing people who got me to 20 followers… Doris and I want to let you know that we appreciate you…

Moving on swiftly…

I have so much work on my hands right now!!! I was supposed to go to the office today (SUNDAY) but it was locked when I got there so I settled for Java Sarit which is next to my office. I hate April holidays!! EVERYONE SUDDENLY HAS TIME!!!

The place was full when I got in except this corner booth. So I took it. Do you know how funny it feels to occupy a 5 seater booth alone!!? Considering the whole place was so packed!!

I work for like half an hour and my laptop is dying and there are no power outlets on this booth, so I ask a waitress to halla when a space with one is available…

I am idle for 10 minutes waiting for a power outlet. I am slowly sipping on my water!! A glass of water I had been drinking for 3 hours now!

I get a corner table with a power source.. HAPPINESS!! Again, a big table with only my lanky self!!

I am typing my ass off… My music blaring in my ears… I am listening to my T.I playlist!!

To cut a long story short…

This light-skinned girl whose age is nothing above 16 walks to where I was sitting and asks if she could share my table… ok I guessed that one, with my loud music I didn’t hear word she said but after I gestured ‘OK’, she pulled a seat and plugged in her laptop…

I smile naughtily in my head….

Its getting awkward so I introduce myself…

“Ian…” and stick out my hand for a shake… (it’s just hit me that this is very suspect behaviour)

“Shaniqua!!” she says… I almost burst out in mocking laughter but i let it slide…. What do you tell a woman whose name is Shaniqua??!

it gets weirder…

I got this when i searched for 'shaniqua pictures"

I got this when i searched for 'shaniqua pictures"

We talk for a while. Shes cool. Twengs like she was born in Central London! HAHA! .. Here is Shaniqua so far…

Name: Shaniqua

Age: 16 and a half

School: Final year Hillcrest

Studies: Psychology and Literature

Allergies: Cats and dust

Java on Sunday?: Sending in her assignment

That was her story!! Lets dig deeper!

Name: Shaniqua

YOU CANNOT WALK AROUND WITH A NAME LIKE THAT!!! (I am sorry if you are reading this and your name is Shaniqua!! I really am) Shaniqua, I love your name!! I honestly do… I love names… Researching on their origin and meaning and all. So I googled Shaniqua…

“Mostly found in ghettos in the United States…”

That told me a lot… But I read on…. ”

People with this name tend to be very inspired, intuitive, and creative. Their aim is to improve the world and can be quite altruistic. They strive to see the “Big Picture” and achieve their dreams.”

Age: 16 and a half.

I don’t know why all these children in Private schools add ‘half’ on their ages!! Like ‘a half’ will make my sleeping with you less wrong!! NOT THAT I WAS PLANNING TO!! But my brother always says, “so long as she can finish a plate of rice, she is old enough!”

She looked quite grown up though… Huyu amekula ugali!!

School: Hillcrest

Your father definitely has it going for himself! Or mother… Or both, honestly I really don’t care!! You might be there on BURSARY funds for all I care! I don’t know about you but I think my last sentence is extremely funny!

Studies: Psychology and literature!

I want you to listen carefully!! I have no idea why GCSE kids always go with this!! If you ask an 8-4-4 student what he/she studies you might probably get a random: MATH, ENGLISH, KISWAHILI (never swahili), CHEMISTRY, BIOLOGY, PHYSICS, CRE, HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY! At least that’s what I studied and was examined on!!! I DONT UNDERSTAND THIS “PSYCHOLOGY AND LITERATURE” MANENO! You look ridiculous trying to look all serious!! ATI PSYCHOLOGY!! PLEASE!! By the way that is part of Biology… I studied that in a term!!! Shiiiiii!

Please don’t get me wrong… I am not hating on the  GCSE system!

Allergies: Cats and dust

You might be wondering what triggered this topic!! The chic was almost sneezing her backbone out!! Good thing she had a GCSE sneeze!! It’s a tiny ‘choo’ that you can easily miss!!

She was like “Psychology… choo and literat-choo” HAHA!

So i asked her what was wrong!!! And she said she was allergic to dust and cats!!

Now listen very carefully… There wasnt a cat in sigh!! So it had to be the dust!! The only logical possibility was that I WAS DUSTY! I let it slide!!

Java on SUnday: Sending assignments!!

My high school had two computers!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…. TWO COMPUTERS!!! The principal had one the second one didn’t work so it was kept at his office! At least you could send in your assignments!!


So there it is. I have tried finishing it. I have like 14 other unfinished letters from a while back that I will send you sometime soon!!

I love you.

Yours now and forever.


Posted by on March 13, 2011 in barding tales, comedy, sex


Tags: , , ,

14 responses to “SHANIQUA

  1. Misanya

    August 18, 2011 at 3:49 pm

    Hahahaha. I have never laughed by myself in a while. Thanks! P.S. I can never finish a plate of rice…i have to eat it in shifts 😦

    • Ibuka

      December 1, 2011 at 5:00 pm

      haha does this mean u ent grown enough?

  2. Elsie

    August 18, 2011 at 3:59 pm


  3. Faith Mbogo

    August 18, 2011 at 5:27 pm

    Funny too funny

  4. Ed

    August 18, 2011 at 6:52 pm

    Laughing Out Loud ….literally. Ian….*wipes tears*

  5. Anita Kapten (@anitakapten)

    August 19, 2011 at 12:14 am

    🙂 *dead*

  6. Lois Seldomridge

    August 21, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    GREAT REVIEW! I totally agree with pretty much all you said in your post, especially at the beggining of your article. Thank you, this info is very useful as always. Keep up the good work! You’ve got +1 more reader of your web blog:) Isabella S.

  7. optimusthe1

    November 26, 2011 at 8:03 pm

    Nice one man! I am your follower no.21!

    • mydeardoris

      November 28, 2011 at 10:14 am

      haha! thank you follower #21

  8. Joy

    February 9, 2012 at 1:19 pm

    U got me laughing a whole hour!!u r amazing

  9. tkimani

    March 15, 2012 at 9:44 pm

    If the only period she knows is at the end of a sentence she’s to young for you bro!

  10. Njeri Mbuthia (@njerimbuthia)

    November 13, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    i am going to be fired one of these days. lmao!

  11. Newts

    January 10, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    Hahaha… ‘who the hell is Shaniqua..? Is that even a name??’ A line frm a playboy song… Im not saying i agree with yuh Kudos nwy.. Nice post!

  12. mnkatha38

    August 29, 2014 at 12:09 am

    This one got me in stitches. I’m making progress from 2010 photos. I also can’t name my kid shaniqua


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