29 Mar

Dear Doris,

BABA is how i used to spell BARBER in class 3!! My teacher wouldnt convince me otherwise!! Because my father was my barber!!! GET THE WORD PLAY!!!?

I am sitting in a matatu parked in town as I write this… On my iPod.. I am looking for trouble!! A thug has probably marked me.

But I had to talk to you my love… What’s love if not to put your life at risk for a soul mate???

Moving on…

I am just from the barber. I didn’t go to my everyday barber. I heard about this new guy who cuts your hair for 50 bob!!! That’s a sixth of what I normally use on my hair… I normally go to this place called Scissors in Hurlingham who do a hair cut and average massage for 300. But here you get a haircut, massage, facial and manicure FOR 50 shillings!!! Something was not right, and I couldn’t wait to find out what it was!!

So I am on this seat asking myself if I should go through with this… All these diseases that you contract from breaking of the skin are going through my head in violent tides… Ok maybe just AIDS… I miss my barber =(

This guy comes with a towel that was once White or originally brown and puts it round my neck… Now they are just determined to give me herpes…
“naitwa Edu…” the guy says, trying to make conversation… He has a stammer. I heard people who stammer have very short tempers…
I don’t say a word… The shaving machine has naked wires.. This man was trying so hard to take my life. I shut my eyes and wait for a disaster. I can’t explain why I was still seated on that seat..

He starts….

He is done…

I really want to see but I can’t get myself to open my eyes… You know that random feeling!

He dubs my head with some liquid i am forced to believe is aftershave.

He then sprays something on my head… My eyes still tightly shut…

He is now brushing my hair… A cold chill makes its way down my spine… I am hoping hard it’s not the hairbrush I saw on my way in… It was filled with hair from Jehovah knows where…

I am shown to a sink where my hair is washed… This woman was on a mission to scrape my scalp off… She was scratching my head so hard. And the water was forged from the center of the earth… Hooooot. She spills shampoo on my shirt because she’s watching tv while washing my hair.Did I mention the shirt is by BOSS!

Good thing – she apologizes
Bad thing-she tries to clean it the dirty towel. I let her do her thing!! The damage had been done!!

“unascrabiwa?” she asks after a terrible massage session.

“ndio!!” I answer with no clue of what she was talking about!!!

I am taken to a different seat an my head tilted backwards!! My face is cleaned… I was scared at first but it felt kinda good with my eyes closed!! My nose is now being done… This was so painful i almost pissed my pants!!!

“ukioga shika shika mapua…” she says after she finished fondling my nose!!! I was being given showering lessons!!! AT THE FUCKIN BARBER SHOP!!

The team is done… My face is almost falling off and i have wait 3 months (window period) to test for AIDS! But the cut is excellent!!

I will stick to my normal barber though…

PS- do you remember that song when we were kids “Mama Selina, Selina mchokozi, amenitusi, sex manyoko!!!” hahahaha!!

Later My love… If anything happens to me, just know… I will love you forever


Posted by on March 29, 2011 in comedy, near death


Tags: ,

10 responses to “BABA

  1. Lee la Poeta

    March 29, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    I was in the middle of a church service when i read this and i bit my tongue trying not 2 laugh. Ian ur hilarious. long live Doris.

  2. Linda

    March 29, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    Hahaaa…..!! Ati shika shika mapua….!And what excactly were they doing IN your nose??

    • mydeardoris

      March 29, 2011 at 3:04 pm

      I dont know what she was doing to my nose!! She scrabbed it though :/

  3. Anita

    March 29, 2011 at 3:53 pm


  4. Elsie

    March 29, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    Ian, I have registered. Do you realize how much I love you my cousin?

    • mydeardoris

      March 29, 2011 at 4:16 pm

      hahaha!! love ngeny owada!! thank you =)

  5. Abba

    March 29, 2011 at 5:01 pm

    YUCK! How could you agree to be scrabiwad? oh my days! and I always knew haujawahi osha mapua!

    • Script

      April 1, 2011 at 7:07 am

      LOL-ing…at the worst possible time i might add…in a boring meeting!


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