Rules of Engagement

30 Mar

Dear Doris,

I am going to teach you how to make a relationship work with your hole-mate and everyone around you… I know you must be wondering how perverse I am or how terrible my spelling is because of the way I spelt soul-mate… Well I meant for it to come out how it has. This is a special relationship… Not with the man or woman you love but with that one special invention you can’t live without… The toilet… AND not just any toilet, but one that’s not your own!!
Consider this a lesson on how to make the two of you work together for a brighter tomorrow…

1. Treat her with the respect she deserves.

When you get in, treat her like a queen, keep her clean, and happy!! How do you keep a toilet happy, you ask… You will figure it out!! I believe in your intelligence!

2. Choose wisely how long you stay inside!

I suggest you walk in do your business as fast as possible and walk out!! I know sometimes you just need some alone time!! you can have that, but only in your bathroom!! If you are in someones house, you are timed – unconsciously though! The shorter you take the better!!

3. In case of emergency

Something might happen when inside!! You might break something or something might refuse to work!! Calm down!! These things happen!! OK I am lying, if you break anything, you are on your own!! One time I went to my Indian girlfriend’s bathroom… I was a kid, class 2, I had never seen an aquarium, let alone an aquarium IN A TOILET!!! I was there playing with the fish that wasn’t swimming as it should…It was a lazy one!! So I took the air freshener and dipped my hand inside the aquarium and sprayed it!! It suddenly sunk!! In confusion, i tripped on my pants and dropped the whole aquarium!!! Her dad hated me so bad for killing a fish!!! I could have died in there…

4. New toys

Make sure you know how to use these modern toilets coming up!! The flashing thing is gradually changing!! One second lever, the next a button and in not so long you might need to swipe a card!! The other day I was at my uncles place and the flush button was on the floor… YOU STEP ON IT!!! I kept on wondering why the toilet kept on flashing itself… I felt like a mshamba!!!

5. The toilet paper

Make sure the toilet paper is there before you start!! Or my boys, it will not hurt carrying some spare tissue paper in your pocket in case of emergency!! It has helped me out so many times!!! Don’t get creative and start using thing that are not tissue paper!! If it’s too bad… ASK!!!! Its embarrassing but it works!! But don’t shout out names!! For more info on this, go to point 10!

6. Air freshener.

YOU KNOW WHAT? USE IT!!! Leave everyone wondering how you shit smells like!! The human mind is trained to try and get you to smell the air after someones left the bathroom!!! Give them a “BAZINGA” moment when you walk out and all that’s roaming in the air is lemon and strawberry and bubble gum….

7. Read her signs!

Some of you might not take this seriously but signs are extremely critical in this relationship. Read ‘her’ signs.. Most of them are always about the tissue paper or flashing the toilet and the handle broken etc You don’t want to finish your business and realize you can’t flash the toilet!! Once I went to this office and did my thing and just before I let loose the last missile a note right in front of me “hakuna maji”

8. Your aim

Your aim is very important!! We are not looking for no g-spot on the sides!! So please stick to the center! Some of that shit will not come off until you scrub it off!! You don’t want to leave a stain in someones toilet, it will destroy your reputation so bad!!

9. Where you do your business

I know you can’t control when the urge to shit comes!! If you can hold it… Please do until you get home!! Sometimes you cant do this… Tough luck!! The smell of your shit (pun intended) will mess you rep!! This one time my boys and I and a few women went for this road trip and were living in some cottage.. This random chic went to the bathroom and messed the whole trip!! THE SMELL!!! I think she had eaten grasshoppers!! No one can remember her name, now she is ‘that chic who bielad in coast’!!!


Anything can happen inside the bathroom!! You might break an aquarium or you might not be able to find the flashing thingi or NO TISSUE PAPER!! With your phone, you can text a local and ask! example.

“Hey Shyrose, so I have just dropped your aquarium and killed your fish! I think we need to break up!!”

OH! Shyrose was my Indian girlfriend!!

11. WHen someone is coming!!

DONT YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN SOMEONE KNOCKS WHEN YOU ARE IN THE TOILET!! It makes me lose my concentration and flow!! I need that for my happiness!! Here is a few tricks… You will know when someone is coming your way!! I  fake a cough to give warning!! Or for men, make your belt buckle make a sound by hitting it on the floor… Now you can finish in peace!!

Some people don’t knock and just burst in!!! This has happened to me a number of times!! I am quite tall, so I always spring to the door before ‘that’ person sees anything!! If the door is far from the bowl… LOCK IT UP!! I don’t lock the toilet.. When I was a kid I locked myself in the toilet the whole day by mistake!! I learnt my lesson!!!

I trust you will follow these rules!! If you cant, just SHIT AT HOME!!


Posted by on March 30, 2011 in comedy, random


Tags: , ,

8 responses to “Rules of Engagement

  1. Elsie

    March 30, 2011 at 11:38 am

    Haha..Ian..these rules are hilarious, but they make sense.

  2. confusionsmuse

    March 30, 2011 at 11:45 am

    You have made me laugh my self skinny!!! Great piece babe!

  3. Linda

    March 30, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    Lol!!!…..truly very good rules ….Quite helpful….!

  4. Anita

    March 30, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    Well said! hilarious but true…

  5. magi

    March 31, 2011 at 7:00 am

    nice sketch…do your shit @ home. You forgot the shit that don”t flush. Flash? Flush?

  6. Abba

    April 9, 2011 at 8:24 am

    The double flush rule when you’re a guest, once half way: to reduce chances of smell and punguza the load in case it’s a wimpy drainage system. Then at the end to finish things off. So necessary!

  7. Wendy

    April 10, 2011 at 1:20 am

    Quite hillarious!I am never shitting away from home ever!!

  8. simon

    September 24, 2014 at 7:43 pm

    hahaha am seating in a mat reading this and thinking i hope they dont pass by mathare and drop me there am laughing all the way but it makes sense but you must be crayzy break up with someone while still in the toilet


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