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5 STEPS TO SUCCESSFUL NOSE PICKING!

18 Apr

Dear Doris,

Good morning my love. It is Monday. I should be feeling like shit right now, but I don’t… I feel like a million dollars… I don’t really know how feeling like a million dollars feels like, but if it feels good… Then that’s what I am feeling!! GOOD!

I was picking my nose today during devotion and it hit me that picking your nose at the crack of dawn feels like walking on water.. THAT SENSATION IS IMPOSSIBLE!! I know you are like “YUCK” or “EWWW”. TRY IT!!

I will teach you how to pick your nose today!!

5 STEPS TO SUCCESSFUL PICKING.

Before I start I want to let you know that this process might be considered as ‘YUCK’ by people who are in denial… Do not pay attention to negative energy!!

1. WATCH WHERE YOU DO YOUR PICKING.

Picking your nose might cause you your relationship or in extreme cases, your marriage… So I beg you, make sure you are alone when doing this… or if you need a third person, try the mirror!! I will tell you how to deal with crowds in a little while…

These are the places you SHOULD NEVER BE CAUGHT PICKING YOUR NOSE!! In front of the woman you are trying to sleep with, in front of your girlfriend’s parents… Those are the most important ones!! You are allowed to pick your nose in front of your parents (they have been seeing you do it since you were a baby and might not even notice), in front of your ex, in front of every other person except the two i mentioned earlier.

2. WHEN TO PICK YOUR NOSE.

Picking the nose is an art… Masters of the art like me can do it in less than a second… We are fast and lethal-we can get rid of that piece of dried mucosa in a 5th of a second!! If you are like me, you are safe to pick your nose anywhere, too fast for anyone to notice. Learners on the other hand, DO NOT PICK YOUR NOSE ON THE TABLE or before sex, you are just showing your chips how much you suck with your fingers!!

You are allowed to pick your nose during devotion only! You cant afford to be seen. So when everyone has their eyelids clasped in prayer seems to be the most appropriate time.

If you have to pick your nose in front of the woman you want to sleep with, use your skills to help you get some. Show her how good you are with those fingers!! Ok, I take that back, you will not get any!! In fact, do not touch your nose unless there’s a bee in there!!

3. HOW TO PICK YOUR NOSE.

Most people pick their nose using their index finger!! NEWSFLASH, you are just  widening your nostril and it will be sagging by the time you are dying (that’s if you are dying from old gae). I want you to try this now, wherever you are, in a meeting, on a bus, in the bathroom… Try picking your nose using your pinky…HOW DOES THAT FEEL… now wiggle your finger, get to every corner of your nostril… Slowly… Now go a little deeper and fold your finger slightly. the space deeper inside is small, i know, it might be a little painful if this is your first time.. ORGASMIC aint it… Lets not get too excited though!!

If you  nosebleed a lot, i suggest you abstain from this. It is never that serious!

4. THE AFTERMATH

This is that part where you extract whatever you find in your nose… That’s if you find anything. The norm is always checking whatever it is by examining the finger you were using. Picking the nose is not an art for the curious!! You fail the second you look at your ‘trophy’. It gives room to be busted… So i suggest you get rid of that booger immediately!!

5. HOW TO GET RID OF THE BOOGER

This is the last and most important step. We are talking about evidence here. Your DNA is everywhere. RULE NUMBER ONE: NEVER GET CAUGHT. Different people use different methods when getting rid of the booger. Some people smear it under their desks, some just flick it,children eat it… The methods are endless!

I will teach you a method that always works for me… NO DNAs lying around, no yucky stuff under your desk or your hair…

I want you to listen very carefully… This might save your life… Ok who am I lying to, just flick it 🙂

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11 Comments

Posted by on April 18, 2011 in comedy, self help

 

Tags: , , ,

11 responses to “5 STEPS TO SUCCESSFUL NOSE PICKING!

  1. Linda

    April 18, 2011 at 11:19 am

    Yuuucckkk….!! Ian!
    Lol! Am in denial?

     
  2. Anita

    April 18, 2011 at 11:25 am

    EEEEEEEEW!

     
  3. confusionsmuse

    April 18, 2011 at 11:40 am

    I am so disturbed!!!

     
  4. Akellove

    April 18, 2011 at 11:48 am

    YUCK but LOL!! Ati during devotion! But now if everyone reads this,everyone will be doing during devotion,and then? Even worse,when you’re HOLDING HANDS!! Hehehe

     
  5. Wendy

    April 18, 2011 at 1:33 pm

    thhhhhhuaccckkk!!!

     
  6. Ketry

    April 18, 2011 at 1:53 pm

    Seriously………hahahaha. Too funny though……. The things less discussed

     
  7. Catherine Njagi

    April 19, 2011 at 1:50 pm

    EEEEWEEST!

     
  8. optimusthe1

    November 26, 2011 at 8:22 pm

    pwoot!

     
  9. Linn

    January 31, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    seriously Ian…
    yuck!

    as good as it may feel, its still yucky!

     
  10. Project44

    November 9, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    This remind so last week.We were in a meeting and i guy just started flossing- his teeth- not flossing in the Kenyan sense. very disgusting !

     
  11. Project44

    November 9, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    This reminds me of last week, We were in a meeting and some guy just started flossing – his teeth – not ‘flossing’ in the Kenyan sense. Very disgusting !

     

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