04 Jul

Dear Doris,

This arguably is the longest time we have spent apart… So many things have been going on. I received all your letters.

I am sorry i didn’t tell you about my trip to the UK… It all happened so fast… By the way if you are seated there thinking that i am lying about this UK trip then I don’t think we should be together! It’s that time you started trusting me… I know i lied about Miami and Rome and Venezuela…i was really in the UK… You know the job I was telling you about? Well, i got it and was sent to the UK….

Let me not bore you with my trips around the world!! I want to teach you about toothpaste…

I have told you about the high school i went to right? Just in case you forgot… It didn’t have electricity or RUNNING water (we showered in an abandoned gold mine)! That water was nothing close to RUNNING… it was there to stay. So from your common sense you have probably deduced that people fell sick… and some even died!! I hope I am not scaring you… I am trying to sugar coat this as much as I can… I could have just said students drowned and we used this gold mine with the rest of the village surrounding it and their animals!! cattle tend to shit when drinking water… so we had dung floating all over the place… If you would so dare to immerse your  head under that water, the probability of you having dung strategically placed on your head as you get your head out of the water is quite, well, high!! if you by any chance happened to open your mouth at any point… you see why I was sugar-coating it!!? We rubbed shoulders with typhoid, malaria, amoebiasis, and any other disease you would get from sharing the same water to shower with an entire community… WE LITERALLY SHARED DISEASES!! Remind me to tel you about this disease people got… we called it MANDRAX!! hahaha!! My heavens, i need Dr. Greggory House right about now!!
Where was I going with this…. Yes, toothpaste!!

Please not that medical attention in THAT particular school was almost bull shit… get it? haha!! Ok you don’t… please keep up!! The ‘doctor’ gave you ORODAH for anything you came down with!!! Malaria, typhoid… HIV!! ORODAH is a low-budget drug to substitute Fansidah!! So we had to come up with ways of treating ourselves!! We invented medicines.. some of them worked, some almost killed us… Typhoid, stomach aches, blur vision (got from opening your eyes in that goldmine water), ulcers etc Here is where toothpaste comes in…

If you were in high school at any point in your life… Even if you dropped out somewhere along the way… You already know that toothpaste is a base!! Common knowledge… This next paragraph is for those of you who dropped out on their first week of high school (acids and bases is taught on like the 2nd week)

A base (in chemistry) means having a pH (on the pH scale) of 8-14. It is a substance that can accept protons. A base that is dissolved in water is called an alkali.

I know i have confused you even more! But don not worry, YOU ARE TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL!

Moving on! A base will neutralize an acid. Common sense.

Listen very carefully, stomach aches are caused by too much acid floating around in your stomach with nothing to do. So next time you are experiencing a tummy ache, lick some toothpaste… AND YES, SWALLOW IT!! You will be feeling better in  no time! You will be killing two birds with the same stone… FRESH BREATH AND NO TUMMY ACHE 🙂

I will teach you how cure blur vision next time!!

CAUTION: You might be putting this substance in your mouth every morning and just before bed ( i hope so) but If you so ingest a spoon full of toothpaste you will die! In like 10 years! Then again, toothpaste is designed to make you throw up if you ingested a lot of it!! So if you were dumped or you have lost your job and want to commit suicide, I suggest you buy the HUGE Colgate. It will not do the work as fast as rat poison, but in a few years, you will die from intestinal blockage!


Posted by on July 4, 2011 in barding tales, near death, self help


Tags: , ,

7 responses to “TOOTHPASTE

  1. D.od

    July 4, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    your back!:)

  2. mydeardoris

    July 4, 2011 at 1:29 pm

    back and all over the place =)

  3. akellove

    July 5, 2011 at 10:30 am

    In a few years you will die from intestinal blockage? PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  4. Elsie

    July 5, 2011 at 11:49 am

    I love you Ian and I love that Doris is back:-) LOL at intestinal blockage:-D

  5. Linda

    July 6, 2011 at 8:59 am

    SMH!!!!………..welcome back Doris, it’s been so long!!!

  6. kbaab

    July 20, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    hehehe. I like this!

  7. mortiferickz

    February 7, 2014 at 8:40 pm

    Hahaha I actually survived through high school by eating toothpaste cause everything was treated with Panadol.
    Ps. Totally addicted to your letters


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