14 Jul

Dear Doris,

Ok, people are talking, asking why we dont talk as much anymore. Dont worry, no one will know about the divorce… I tell anyone who asks me that we just had a new baby and spend most of our time raising her. If anyone asks you what her name is, its Kara or Sarabi…

I was arrested last week for talking on the phone while crossing the road!! TALKING ON MY PHONE!! MY BLACKBERRY! It was my first time being nabbed by NCC (Nairobi City council) so i didnt know the rules… am I supposed to lie on the ground with my hands behind my head… or bribe or make a run for it!!

So three human beings dressed in green and yellow come at you from the back…one of them hols you by you belt while the other explains arrogantly why this is happening!! IT IS EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING, especially for a man of my stature!! A JALUO!

So I am matched to City Hall where I part with 2,000 bob.

“Ungetota mapema ingekuwa nusu ya hio!” one says!

I pretend I dont know Swahili! So I got a bluetooth hands free thingi!! I look extremely stupid when I am answering calls in a matatu… I think this gadget  was made for people with cars..not cars with people :/

In better news, have you watched the Dettol Cool Ad… The one where this boy is playing basketball!!? You must be asking yourself where I am going with this! Calm down!

So when I was a kid I knew all the people in adverts are made up!!!! AS IN, IN MY HEAD NO ONE COULD BE THAT COOL… did anyone watch the ‘SMOOTH AS EMBASSY’ Ad? It was in that Ad that I saw a convertible for the first time… no one in HELL was as cool as that guy playing his sax and the chic seated at the back of the car as wind blew threw her hair… as they smoked away!! I started making my own cigarettes using newspapers and had my younger sister try them out… Who knew… One day a convertible might just have popped out of nowhere!! Then the Trust Condom ones… HAHAHA! This random guy would fix the random chics car using a condom!! HAHAHA! I was six, maybe seven, but I knew a bit too well that he didnt know how to use them… Speaking of which, remind me to tell you a story about condoms!!

But that is not my story!! The ad that confirmed my theory of ‘these’ people being unreal was the B KUBWA one!! The one where the guy could cough so hard until the door would swing clean out of its hinges… He would cough a second time and the windows would shatter!! I WANTED THAT COUGH SOOOOO BAADDDDDDDD! With that cough I would walk to my Math teacher and blow her head into tiny little pieces!! If you are half the pervert I am, that last sentence will blow you away… so will this one!! hahaha!

I decided no one was going to lie to me anymore!! Even now, at the age of 46 i still have my doubts…

Where was I… Yeah, the Dettol Cool kid… He lives in my court!! IMAGINE!!! Oh, and his parents on the ad are not his real parents… IMAGINE AGAIN!!!I still think my brain is playing tricks on me!! One day he will just vanish into thin air!! This is getting more complicated the more i try to understand it!! Its like I am in Source Code!


Posted by on July 14, 2011 in random


Tags: , , ,

2 responses to “AS SMOOTH AS EMBASSY

  1. Lee

    July 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm


  2. Steve Ouma

    July 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    You love to joke ian, but its awefully cool what you do! Bigup


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