01 Sep

Dear Doris,

From a letter a day to a letter a week and now… well… It is getting worse!! How are you doing? I got an email saying you changed addresses! You moved? Is it a new job? New boyfriend? Huh?

Yesterday was a holiday, and I was here at work, working to keep you and our children happy…

The night before that was a bit dramatic! I am going to tell it in real-time!

The Following Takes Place Between 6pm and 12:30am

Readers Desecration is Advised!

(i am sorry-too much Jack Bauer)


I am leaving the office for a meeting in town! I get into a stinking matatu which is quite normal for matatus coming from Kabete!!


The time my meeting was supposed to start! I am stuck on traffic at Museum Hill Roundabout. Everyone is going into town! I decide to sleep… I was tired!


I am late for my meeting! A lot to discuss! Trattoria!


Walking to my stage – Odeon. I get the last matatu! Its taking a while getting full. I fall asleep!!


I am woken up by loud voices! The conductor is fighting with the driver in the matatu! The matatu – STILL NOT FULL!


The two resolve their issues. We start the journey. We agree to pay 70 bob instead of 50 bob so we leave before its full.

Somewhere along the way… Another fight breaks out in the matatu. Now its the conductor and a drunk passenger. The driver pays no attention!!

The fight gets violent! punches and kicks are thrown! I am at the front so I am safe! The other two passengers at the back, all women are screaming their ass off!

The driver doesnt twitch! He is still driving!


The conductor starts with the insults because he is losing the fight!

“kuma mamako!!!” He spits!


“NGAI NGAI NGAI!! Hakuna mtu atatusi mama ya mwingine kwa matatu yangu!!” he says!!

He explains his reasons!! i am not listening because the drunk guy has the conductor by the neck!! The conductor is screaming, “NAKUFA!NAKUFA!”

The driver is still explaining his actions!!

He is an emotional wreck! He is almost crying!

I say nothing!!

“NAPELEKA HII GARI POLICE STATION!!” The driver says and ignites the engine! He is driving faster than he was before!

Things are thick!

The two idiot at the back are still at it!!

The drunk is Luo and the conductor, Kikuyu so is the driver!


The conductor is shouting something in Kikuyu!! The driver says something back IN KIKUYU! the passengers are also shouting stuff in kikuyu!

“nyinyi Wakikuyu wote, Kuma mama zenyu!” The jaluo shouts!

Something tells me I am in a tricky situation! I don’t say a word!!

The driver stops his matatu and walks to the back!

I can’t come out of the matatu because we are at Chiromo!! People are mugged here almost everyday!! I really like my wallet even though it had nothing, and my Blackberry and Galaxy Mini and my black felt jacket!

My reasoning at this moment: I would rather die in this matatu with all my possessions rather than outside with NOTHING!!!

i Sit still!! The jaluo is being whooped by everyone in the matatu!! I don’t move an eye lash!

He, the Jaluo, is thrown out of the van!

The driver gets back to his seats and looks at me funny!

I almost piss my pants!

Everyone gets off except me!!

“Hawa Wajaluo ni wajinga sana!” The driver says in utter idiocy!

My life flashes before me!!

“Ningeuwa huyo jamma!!” The conductor adds!

“Nashuka hapa!!” I say!! We were four stages away from my stage! I couldn’t stay another second in that Van!

“The driver says something to me in Kikuyu! I piss in my pants!! A little trickle!

“Dhekyu mno!” I say and walk away with the speed of the devil! FAST! OH, I am LUO!!

“I am sending you this because I am alive!! Now to hunt those idiots down and execute them one by one!” Jack Bauer







Posted by on September 1, 2011 in Uncategorized


7 responses to “TRIBE WARS EPISODE ||

  1. savvy

    September 1, 2011 at 10:49 pm

    I don’t think the driver wouldve done anything to you but what do I know? Glad you are writing this though.. it means you are still alive.

  2. Juliet Maruru

    September 5, 2011 at 1:35 pm

    Tihii! Dude, I get called bad names in Kikuyu, by people who assume I am not Kikuyu, and I am Kikuyu; my mother assured me, so no worries, we’ll hunt them down together.

  3. My Dearest Adrian

    September 13, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    What?very bad n sad indeed. Glad u n adrian r still brocken up…will try talk to him today

  4. mmnjug

    November 25, 2011 at 3:27 pm


    See what I’m saying……you are trouble!!

  5. script

    December 5, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    How I have missed this blog, thank-you snowflake

  6. Amore

    September 21, 2014 at 8:57 am

    Dear Ian , whenever I really need a laugh I read your blog, the posts never fail to make me smile.
    Thank you for being tall, thank you for loving big beautiful women, thank you for being funny.
    Pliz never stop writing.

    P.S How much drama can one experience in a mat?

    • mydeardoris

      September 30, 2014 at 11:19 pm

      And for you, I will never stop 😉


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