13 Sep

Dear Doris,

How are you today you beautiful woman? You will not guess whose albums I am downloading right now… Aaron Neville!!! Why are you looking at me like that!! You know Aaron right? The guy for “I don’t know much…. But I know I love youuuu, and that may be all I need to know…” Come on Angel… You cannot be helped!!

I don’t know about you but that is our song from now henceforth!! Learn the lyrics!

The purpose of this letter was not to choose a song for us though; honestly I don’t know what this is about!! It has been so long I feel like I don’t know you anymore, so I will just highlight what has been going on without you!!

A few days back when I was on a matatu from work: This huge guy gets into the matatu. He is dirty and his dreadlock unkempt. I knew he was trouble from the second he waved down the matatu!! The makanga was like

“Dere usbebe!! Ye huleta noma!” (Driver don’t carry… He brings trouble!) That’s as direct as it can get! The driver stops for the man! I am seated at the back… The only free seat is the one next to me!! His broad shoulders leak into my space!! I stay silent… His breath is nothing short of the stinkiest breath in the world! I

say nothing! From his body size, he could clearly take me out with the… well, bottom line… He would kill me!!
The conductor clearly knows him from somewhere because he asked everyone for money except Shrek over here!! The drama is coming!
“Kwani hautaki do yangu, we doggy….” Shrek says to the conductor ignoring completely that the conductor might have offered him a free ride!!
“Si hivyo mkubwa… Leta basi! The conductor tries to be nice…

I hope you all non-Swahili speakers know that I will not translate a single word!!

Where was I before the illiterate interrupted me? Yeah…

“Sikupi sasa!” Shrek spits out!! The conductor shrinks in shock…

My Bluetooth earpiece is blinking in my ear… He looks at it for a short while then asks…”Wapi phone inatumia

hio bluetooth?!” I pissed my pants a little bit! I hesitantly remove my Samsung Galaxy and show it to him!!
Please note that I was not… I repeat, WAS NOT IN A POSITION TO SAY NO!!
He grabs it and touches the screen to show the ‘insert password’ thingi!
“Ebu weka password!” He says with uncomfortable ease!! It was at this point that I accepted that I may not see my phone again!
I put in the password! He takes it and goes through my messages! He was not only dirty and stinky… He was also quite bad mannered!!
He is now taking pictures of random people in the mat using my phone… THIS MAN HAD TO BE STOPPED… BY SOMEONE… OTHER THAN MYSELF!

He returns my phone… JESUS WALKS!!

Stay tuned for more drama…

We are stuck in traffic… Every second seated next to this man is dangerously unpredictable! I have so far switched off both my phones and Bluetooth device and put all my money and ATM in my sock ~ while he wasn’t watching of course!

We get to Museum Hill Roundabout and the nigga pulls out a blunt!! For a second I thought he was just looking at it… Planning for later… Then he lights the joint!! IN THE EFIN MATATU! Passengers are sliding open their windows… No one says shit!The woman seated in front of me thinks she is Green Lantern and rudely asks the giant to put the blunt off (inside the matatu is now heavy with smoke) People are getting off… I DON’T MOVE A MUSCLE!! He was going to snap my neck if I did!

I am sorry I am going to use some really nasty words this next paragraph _ Please be advised! I am just

quoting the man!

“Ushawahi tombwa?!” The guy says!! Utter idiocy!! I don’t move a muscle!! Green Lantern shuts up!!

We are now at Globe roundabout… The last stage before we get off at Koja Bus Park… I was very happy this was going to end soon…

He then asks me for my phone again!! Ladies and gentlemen… believe it or not… I said NO!!! Not exactly like that though!

“Nashukaaaa!” I shouted to the conductor and got off in the middle of nowhere!! That call was more risky than


staying in the matatu with the mad man, but like they say, heri something something than the angel you don’t know… YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES!!!


Posted by on September 13, 2011 in Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , ,

24 responses to “SAMSUNG GALAXY

  1. Anita Kapten (@anitakapten)

    September 13, 2011 at 6:45 pm

    Eish that Shrek’s got some nerve!!!

  2. Juliet Maruru

    September 13, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    Ngai! I have laughed! There was just no room to feel woiye at all. And if I am right, I know that dude, and me, me I just pissed my panties, and he was all the way huko mbele no where near my seat at the back of the mat.

  3. Abba (@Abbakidenda)

    September 13, 2011 at 10:26 pm

    I was so intrigued! eish! terror! stress!

    • mydeardoris

      September 14, 2011 at 6:03 pm

      i wish you were in that mat!! It was like an episode of LOST!!

  4. Faith Mbogo

    September 13, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    Too funny and wired guy demanding for ur phone like that.

  5. magaribina

    September 14, 2011 at 4:40 am

    it’s 4.30 a.m. I am in a bus, and the dere has just treatened to throw me out – in the middle of heaven knows where- for ‘making too much noise’ – all because of this post. Thanks a lot!!

  6. D.od (@dodmichaela)

    September 14, 2011 at 11:38 am

    just another day in the 254?? NOT! thats crazy ish man, lol

    • mydeardoris

      September 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

      i dont know how these things happen to me!!!

  7. njeri wamarite

    September 14, 2011 at 12:02 pm

    haha,Ian,learn the goddamn lyrics!!!

    • mydeardoris

      September 14, 2011 at 4:14 pm

      HAHAHA!! Ndani yake!! Amesleki!!

  8. savvykenya

    September 14, 2011 at 3:25 pm

    Did you get your Galaxy back? I have a Galaxy S2, I can’t even let anyone touch it!

    • mydeardoris

      September 14, 2011 at 6:07 pm

      yeah… he returned it!! YOU WOULD HAVE LET THIS MAN I TELL YOU…

  9. My Dearest Adrian

    September 14, 2011 at 3:32 pm


  10. Dexxe (@Dexxe)

    September 19, 2011 at 12:48 am

    Haha. This post has made me laughlaugh. I liked it

  11. marx

    September 19, 2011 at 10:05 pm

    so wiat happened to the pics he took with your galaxy

    • mydeardoris

      October 6, 2011 at 5:48 pm

      i have them… memories!! haha!

  12. Gray

    September 23, 2011 at 1:29 am

    I was rather pleased to come across this site.I wanted to thank you for this great study!! I most certainly enjoying every single tiny bit of it and I’ve you bookmarked to verify out new stuff you article.

  13. ayugi90

    October 2, 2011 at 5:16 am

    This is my favourite:)

  14. mmnjug

    November 25, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    Wooii…..Kwani ‘drama’ is your middle name?

    • mydeardoris

      November 25, 2011 at 4:37 pm

      @mmnjug haha! if you concentrate on your matatu ride, you will see that drama follows all of us…

  15. 3dcartoons

    December 1, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    My first time here n i cnt stop laughing ………… nice …….

  16. Claude

    April 25, 2012 at 11:19 pm

    AWESOME! I love the way these things just happen 2 you. At least now i know am not the only one who sees drama in matatus.

    • mydeardoris

      April 26, 2012 at 10:16 am

      We should get on the same matatu one day… That’s double drama!!


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