How are you today you beautiful woman? You will not guess whose albums I am downloading right now… Aaron Neville!!! Why are you looking at me like that!! You know Aaron right? The guy for “I don’t know much…. But I know I love youuuu, and that may be all I need to know…” Come on Angel… You cannot be helped!!
I don’t know about you but that is our song from now henceforth!! Learn the lyrics!
The purpose of this letter was not to choose a song for us though; honestly I don’t know what this is about!! It has been so long I feel like I don’t know you anymore, so I will just highlight what has been going on without you!!
A few days back when I was on a matatu from work: This huge guy gets into the matatu. He is dirty and his dreadlock unkempt. I knew he was trouble from the second he waved down the matatu!! The makanga was like
“Dere usbebe!! Ye huleta noma!” (Driver don’t carry… He brings trouble!) That’s as direct as it can get! The driver stops for the man! I am seated at the back… The only free seat is the one next to me!! His broad shoulders leak into my space!! I stay silent… His breath is nothing short of the stinkiest breath in the world! I
say nothing! From his body size, he could clearly take me out with the… well, bottom line… He would kill me!!
The conductor clearly knows him from somewhere because he asked everyone for money except Shrek over here!! The drama is coming!
“Kwani hautaki do yangu, we doggy….” Shrek says to the conductor ignoring completely that the conductor might have offered him a free ride!!
“Si hivyo mkubwa… Leta basi! The conductor tries to be nice…
I hope you all non-Swahili speakers know that I will not translate a single word!!
Where was I before the illiterate interrupted me? Yeah…
“Sikupi sasa!” Shrek spits out!! The conductor shrinks in shock…
My Bluetooth earpiece is blinking in my ear… He looks at it for a short while then asks…”Wapi phone inatumia
hio bluetooth?!” I pissed my pants a little bit! I hesitantly remove my Samsung Galaxy and show it to him!!
Please note that I was not… I repeat, WAS NOT IN A POSITION TO SAY NO!!
He grabs it and touches the screen to show the ‘insert password’ thingi!
“Ebu weka password!” He says with uncomfortable ease!! It was at this point that I accepted that I may not see my phone again!
I put in the password! He takes it and goes through my messages! He was not only dirty and stinky… He was also quite bad mannered!!
He is now taking pictures of random people in the mat using my phone… THIS MAN HAD TO BE STOPPED… BY SOMEONE… OTHER THAN MYSELF!
He returns my phone… JESUS WALKS!!
Stay tuned for more drama…
We are stuck in traffic… Every second seated next to this man is dangerously unpredictable! I have so far switched off both my phones and Bluetooth device and put all my money and ATM in my sock ~ while he wasn’t watching of course!
We get to Museum Hill Roundabout and the nigga pulls out a blunt!! For a second I thought he was just looking at it… Planning for later… Then he lights the joint!! IN THE EFIN MATATU! Passengers are sliding open their windows… No one says shit!The woman seated in front of me thinks she is Green Lantern and rudely asks the giant to put the blunt off (inside the matatu is now heavy with smoke) People are getting off… I DON’T MOVE A MUSCLE!! He was going to snap my neck if I did!
I am sorry I am going to use some really nasty words this next paragraph _ Please be advised! I am just
quoting the man!
“Ushawahi tombwa?!” The guy says!! Utter idiocy!! I don’t move a muscle!! Green Lantern shuts up!!
We are now at Globe roundabout… The last stage before we get off at Koja Bus Park… I was very happy this was going to end soon…
He then asks me for my phone again!! Ladies and gentlemen… believe it or not… I said NO!!! Not exactly like that though!
“Nashukaaaa!” I shouted to the conductor and got off in the middle of nowhere!! That call was more risky than
staying in the matatu with the mad man, but like they say, heri something something than the angel you don’t know… YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES!!!