29 Oct

My lovely Doris,

I am sick and tired of starting all the letters i send you by, “It has been long since we last spoke…” I know it has though… But we need to have more juice… Lets try this again baby!

To the love of my life, Doris,

I once belonged to you… I was once your only one… I think!

Before I forget, I am at a really bad place… My heart feels like its going to blow up!! Why you ask… Well… I don’t effin know, that’s the problem!!!

Oh and also this post is dedicated to @kiyaaromia. I promised I would give you two names for your kittens on this post… I herby dub thee kittens as Sir Richard the Lionheart and Sir William Wallace. Both names of very famous knights in history. May those two kittens be true.

Now that I am done with that bit… Lets dive into deeper waters!!! I know you all are waiting for “WOMEN IN TURQUOISE PART 2”, I am sorry that will have to wait a little longer!! But be afraid not…

Why don’t we review a whore house instead… 🙂 I can see your smiles already. Lets do this.

The other day when I was waiting for a Karen bus at Ambassador, I over-heard a conversation between a random man and an equally random woman! They were talking in annoying whispers behind me!! I didn’t care much until I heard the woman say, “Karumaido ina vitanda zenye chawa! Mimi sitaki!” (Karumaido has beds with bed bugs. I don’t want)

They could have been talking about anything…. But if you know these streets like I do… YOU DEFINITELY know the name Karumaido!!

If you don’t, you are a good kid… I don’t mean that you are a bad kid if you do… You know what… Just shut up and listen!

Karumaido, better known as Sabina Joy, is a famous whore house/bar on Moi Avenue! I did my research!

let’s go back to the conversation…

“hatutakaa sana… Ki one time tu!” (we will not stay long… AND I DONT KNOW HOW TO TRANSLATE ‘KI ONE TIME TU’) The man says to the woman who is now considering the offer!!

“Si leo!” The woman says in clear doubt of her statement!! She wanted to… “hatukai…” she adds… Totally contradicting herself!!

“Haya tupande, rao kajamo tu alafu tuishie mtaani!” Male says as he leads Woman X into Sabina Joy!

Sabina Joy is right at the foot of Ambassador Hotel… On the same street with Bakers inn…The sign is almost invinsible. I knew of it when i was working for EABL a while back and had to be conversant with all the outlets in the CBD!

The entrance to the place is tiny and will easily be missed by the normal mwnainchi!! Right at the foot of the entrance is a stair wheel… Roughly 40 steps to the bar!! This stair wheel crawls with prostitutes!! On your way up, they will touch you, grab you, kiss you, pull you AND I SWEAR THERE IS A 94% CHANCE THAT YOU HAVE AIDS BY THE TIME YOU GET TO THE BAR!!!

Walk with me…

There is a tiny window right opposite the bar with a huge sign “CONDOMS”!

The bar is crawling with women with intentions to sleep with you for money!! They make you aware of that fact!!! Some will whisper numbers into your ears… “soo tatu” “chwani” “rwabe” etc IT IS A BIT SCARY!!

I am here for business… I am on the job! I am here to collect brand statistics and leave… But I collect the statistics and stay!! I had to see how this works!

A woman walks up to me… STRAIGHT FROM ACROSS THE ROOM!

“unapewa?!” she asks!! SHE DOESNT EVEN BLINK!!

I needed to learn the whole process!!!

“Ngapi?!” I ask like i have been here every night for the past 18 years!!! A PRO!

“dree hadred!!!” she says exactly how i spelt it!! She wasnt educated!!

Now ladies and gentlemen what I am about to do is a complete test of death!!

“sawa!” I say!! she leads me to the tiny window facing the bar… “ROOM!!!” she shouts at the pale lady behind the counter!! She is handed a receipt!! “kuja!!” she says!!

She is walking through a corridor that’s roughly 20 metres!!The place is crawling with indecent human beings… My heart is pounding so hard!! I am sweating my ass off!! I could smell sin!!

I am a strong kid!! I survived four years of high school without electricity, water or a reliable medical care!! I AM STRONG!! BUT I kid you not… THAT WAS THE SCARIEST 40 metre walk of my life… I walked to the end and turned right back!!!

The sex worker who i had already paid looks at me in total disbelief!!! “hautombwi” she asks loudly and for the next five or so seconds the whole place had all their attention on me!! There is something about a prostitute looking at you straight in the eye!! Its 5 seconds away from death!! Your muscles ice and your lips tremble!! Your heart beats like its going to fall off!! It is a 5 second experience that will bring you sanity to its knees!!!

I am walking down the stairs now… My air supply is coming down so fast I could feel it in my knees!! I am touched and grabbed and touched again!! My mind now numb!! I am a zombie until one of them grabs my balls!!

I AM BACK TO MY SENSES!!! its like i just took a shot of tabasco sauce!!!

I am out of Karumaido and walking down Moi Avenue! Nothing makes sense for the next hour or so!! I don’t have my wallet and my phone and the packet of Dunhills I bought earlier just to look cool!!

My hands are shaking as I write this… because ladies and gentlemen the thought of looking AIDS straight in the eye is a bit nerve freezing!!!

Thank you!


Posted by on October 29, 2011 in barding tales, comedy, near death


Tags: , , , , ,

23 responses to “WHORE HOUSE

  1. D.od (@dodmichaela)

    October 29, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    did u really do this cuz??? lol.. whoa.. thats some nerve racking ish…

    • mydeardoris

      October 29, 2011 at 10:59 pm

      Hahaha! Yes I did! The thought still scares me…

      I am a bit insane!

  2. savvy

    October 29, 2011 at 11:54 pm

    First, not all prostitutes have AIDS and second, AIDS is not that scary.

    Second, I badly wanted to know how Turquiose*sp dress story ended.

    Third, I also visited SJ! I had heard of the brothel and thought it would be at River Road but it’s just next to a cookie shop! I visited the place at an off peak time …. will write my story someday.

    • mydeardoris

      October 30, 2011 at 12:01 am

      There is no place in this blog that states that all prostitutes have AIDS, yes?

      And AIDS is scary Savvy… Maybe it might not scare you… But as for me, it makes my non existent chest hairs stand!!!

      I suggest you try going back there on a Friday night… Maybe then you will see it my way!!


  3. Daniela

    November 15, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    The information on this post is handy.

  4. Vee

    November 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    You are too funny. Blog bookmarked!

  5. mmnjug

    November 25, 2011 at 2:59 pm

    I discovered this blog today….dude……….. huku kuna issues mob sana…!!

    Good one though.

  6. proboxsucceed

    November 25, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    Thanks mmnjug. You always save us with the links. Note to self… bookmark blog now.

  7. optimusthe1

    November 26, 2011 at 1:45 am

    blog bookmarked pap….very funny reading!

  8. Adell

    June 15, 2012 at 4:52 pm

    what!!! si i have laughed!!!!

  9. Mswaki

    March 19, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    Actually, I agree you are a strong kid. The ones on the street already scare me senseless, to see a chic wave down some random car and get right in, not normal. And yeah, Aids is freaky scary

  10. Brian Okello (@jakello)

    June 20, 2013 at 9:48 pm

    Hehehe, omera si nimecheka!

  11. Dr muciri ngecu

    December 29, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Whether true or fiction that story has facts many men in nairobi can testify to.

  12. Ali Fedha

    January 8, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    its unfair for me to discover this blog in 2014!..surely i dont belong on this earth!…someone wake me up!…good stuff like this need not pass me by!..

  13. hassan

    February 21, 2014 at 12:06 am

    can I join you?

  14. william

    March 1, 2014 at 9:59 pm

    wao sikujua

  15. hassan

    March 6, 2014 at 6:20 pm

    where can I find a beautiful romantic lady?

  16. Isaac Sangiz

    April 11, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    i neva new about blogs until today,,,so juicy

  17. calvow

    May 20, 2014 at 4:13 pm

    true story haha #dead

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