Have I ever told you that I am lactose intolerant?
Before I go on, this letter is full of diarrhea!!
I write this blog fully aware that not all of us are educated. Lactose intolerance, is simply the inability to digest and metabolize lactose, a sugar found in milk. (Wikipedia) Dont worry, I also didnt know what it was 10 years ago when the doctor mentioned it!!
“Nyathini lactose intolerant!”, the doctor told my mother (in English your child is lactose intolerant) I almost collapsed!! It was just the other day when he dropped BRONCHITIS on me… Now I was lactose that one?!! I was surely dying!!! For some weird reason I knew it was some kind of cancer!!
So we are in some function in shagz!! It’s an out-door thing!! Tables neatly set on the grass! Relatives and friends catching up… The evening wind bearing the smells from the lake hitting your face with a virgin touch!!
A woman comes to our table with a two trays, one full of plastic cups and the other piled up to dangerous heights with bread!! A second woman is following her with a gigantic kettle full of rich thick tea!! There is something this scene does to you… IT MAKES YOU WANT SOME TEA!!
The people dive in head first!! I hesitate because I know a bit too well what happens the minute I take any form of milk!! The tea smells great!! I WANT THE TEA!!!
Please be advised that I would have just asked for hot water and made my black tea the way I have always done in the past!! BUT THIS TEA HAD SOMETHING IN IT… WHATEVER THAT SOMETHING WAS… IT WAS CALLING!!
*please play R.Kelly’s your body is calling in your head as you read this*
So i have me some tea… and another cup and another… The joy!! The bread… and oooohhhh the setting sun!!
Did I mention this was not my shagz? It wasnt! We had gone to visit my uncles wifes cousins mother in law… Just put in any of those long chain relations!!
From my last paragraph, you have probably deduced that I had NO IDEA WHERE THE TOILETS WERE!!
My stomach has given me the first hint that it is not happy!! It lurched horribly!! My insides somersaulting dangerously!
Shit just got serious!!
Let me explain the feeling!!
Theres that type of diarrhea that’s…. smooth and velvety!! NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY YOU CANNOT HOLD THAT SHIT IN!!! LITERALLY! So it warns you that it’s on its way… HERE IS WHERE YOU FIND A TOILET!! Because there’s no stopping that baby when it comes!!
i get off my seat with utmost caution and a fake smile!! No one had to know!! holding my tummy gently!! sweet talking my insides!
I walk to the man who has been ordering people around the entire time… I think to myself, ‘he must know where the toilet is…’
and in utter respect i ask, gently, “excuse me, where is the toilet!”
The man looks at me… Then doest the most unexpected thing!!
At the top of his voice, in front of all the 300 people seated around, he shouts….
“KONY URU NYATHINI DIEO!!!”
which means, “HELP THIS KID, HE IS DIARRHEA-RING!” (that’s as direct as it can be translated)
And for the next few seconds the whole place was silent!! everyone was looking at me… I was still holding my tummy!! Time had practically stopped!!
A random man ran towards me and led me to the toilet that was right across the field…
WALK OF SHAME!!!