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DATES THAT ARE BLIND…

17 Nov

My Love,

I have a meeting in 4 minutes so this will be a very short letter.I know I shouldnt put work before us but Babe, if I don’t where will you sleep and eat and laugh… Definitely not the streets because that is where we will be headed if the two constants are inverted…

Moving on… Have ever been on a blind date?

I still remember how we met… On that cruise ship… The wind blowing through your jet black hair… Remember?

But this is not about us…

A few years back before I met you I decided to go on a blind date…

P.S – BLIND DATE MIGHT GO TERRIBLY RIGHT OR TERRIBLY WRONG!!! Mine went both ways!! I will explain!

I meet this chic on Facebook Chat (typical)! She is commenting on all my pictures and art work posted on my profile… I SHOULD HAVE NOTICED THIS psychotic behavior…

We talk for a while… a week or so… We have a lot in common… She is into art and loves the smell of rosemary and cooks well… ALL OF WHICH WAS DISCUSSED ON FB CHAT!!

Did I mention that she didn’t have a profile picture??!! Ok, she had a profile picture but it was of a Mustang GT… THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SIGN!!! I wasnt even sure if I was talking to a woman!!

So like a normal human-being I ask if we can meet up for coffee… She is a bit hesitant at first…

“sawa sawa… Wapi?” she asks… “your favorite joint, Savannah…”  (she had mentioned that this was her fav  place in the world)!

“Where is it?” she bluntly ask….

I thought it was a joke… so i ignore it completely and give her directions!

p.s THERE WAS ONLY ONE SAVANNAH JOINT AT THIS TIME!

I leave work early and I am at Savannah by 4… We were supposed to meet at 5:30pm!

I came early to asses… Asses the blind date as she walks to my table… which is probably the furthest from the door! I learnt this from the movie CATS…

SO! Sipping on my black coffee, Lisa* calls…

She is here… WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE!!!

HAHAHAHA!!! Something was extremely wrong!!!

“come in, I am seated on your right when you get in…” I say with the patience of an Arunga!

“we kuja unichukuwe!!!” she spits… almost annoyed!!

THERE WAS NO WAY IN HELL THIS WAS GOING TO WORK!!

I get up and walk towards the entrance… On my way I meet an uncle of mine who I always tell how BAD A PLAYA I am… HE asks what I am doing ‘here’ alone… I say I am meeting someone and give a ‘WINNING’ wink!! That was probably the biggest mistake I have made in my life!! My PLAYA status was about to be tarnished!

I walk out and three women are standing at the entrance… two of which are extremely beautiful… The third one was facing the opposite direction so I couldn’t tell.

I say a short quick prayer…

“Dear Lord let Lisa be the sexy one in the yellow sun dress…”

Ladies and gentlemen… GOD DOESNT ANSWER YES TO ALL PRAYERS!!

“Ian?” the OTHER chic calls out… So it wasnt the two beautiful ones!!

This one was a tad dark… Shes wasnt ati pretty… She was carrying a massive white handbag… and had a weave that was going to fall of with the slightest gust of wind!! She had a faded yellow vest and SKY BLUE jeans… She managed to put everything I don’t like on a woman in one outfit!!

BUT I WAS WILLING TO KNOW HER…

WE walk in… I IGNORE MY UNCLE COMPLETELY!!

We get talking…

She orders for ‘CHAI’!! HAHAHA! I almost laughed!! BUT CHAI WAS ON THE  MENU FOR REAL!!!

Chai comes and she can’t use the fancy sugar thingis… She pours the sugar all over herself…

This was getting a bit embarrassing!!

“so what do you do?” I ask…

“packages!’ SHe answers with the confidence of Samson!

WHAT THE HELL IS PACKAGES?!!! (ok I know what it is but COME OOOONNNNN!!)

She is talking at the top of her voice…

So I stop asking questions…. THIS WAS ANOTHER BIG MISTAKE!!! coz she starts telling her story!!

“so where do you live?” I ask to make her stop talking…

“OBANGO!!” again like Samson!!

WHERE THE HELL IS OBANGO??!

“where is that?” I ask politely…

“SAO!!” she answers and signals the waiter!!!

I WAS SCARED!!!

The waiter comes up and she order for another chai…

“sao?” I ask… feeling stupid!!

“haujui kariobangi south!!?” she ask in shock… STILL AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE!!

Everyone around is looking at us funny…

THIS DATE WAS NOT GOING ANYWHERE…

“I have to leave coz I have a meeting at 6 back in Westlands!” I lie…

“Usiwe hivyo…” she utters!

She finishes her second cup of chai in record 2 minutes then we leave!!

She asks me to take her to her stage to catch a bus home…

I hesitated… But I am a gentleman!

HER STAGE IS IN MUTHURWA!!!!! WHAT THE SEX!

She gets on a bus and waves frantically as I walk away…

p.s – DID I TELL YOU MY UNCLE ALMOST PISSED HIS PANTS LAUGHING!!!?

That was the last time I ever saw Lisa*…

Happy Birthday @ndinda_ this ones for you 🙂

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17 Comments

Posted by on November 17, 2011 in comedy, women tales

 

Tags: , , , ,

17 responses to “DATES THAT ARE BLIND…

  1. Njeri Wamarite

    November 17, 2011 at 11:39 am

    alright,enlighten me,what is packages???

     
    • mydeardoris

      November 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm

      HAHAHAH!! Packages ni word, power point and Xcel HAHA! She was serious!

       
  2. savvy

    November 17, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Ha ha.. Packages are those Microsoft Office things people used to do after high school!

    I’ve been on a blind date that went wrong too! And some that went right 🙂

     
    • mydeardoris

      November 17, 2011 at 12:23 pm

      TOU HAVE BEEN TO MORE THAN ONEEE??? Mi sijui kama naweza fanya ingine… Do you want to go fo a blind date 😀

       
      • savvy

        November 29, 2011 at 4:15 pm

        Yes I want to go for a blind date 😛

         
  3. Kuchiki Julz

    November 17, 2011 at 12:40 pm

    Hahaha.. life ni HARD!!

     
  4. D.od

    November 18, 2011 at 11:26 pm

    lol, I second that.. life ni HARD KABISA! lol… Ian stop chatting up mamas on fbuk if u haven’t met them, that’s the lesson for the day, coz quite CLEARLY… lol

     
  5. dallahz

    November 21, 2011 at 9:51 am

    Hahahahah Ian you are a clown…ati OBANGO #IDIE *cremate me now and blow my ashes in the sea*

     
  6. vαllєríє (@_Vallerrie_)

    November 26, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Was passing by K.South today, couldn’t stop thinking OBANGO…LMAO!

     
  7. winnie

    November 26, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    This is sooo hilarious

     
  8. Geraldine

    November 27, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    This z really awesome.i jst lyk it

     
    • mydeardoris

      November 28, 2011 at 10:13 am

      thank you Geraldine…. Have you bookmarked 😀 and subscribed?

       
  9. Zax

    November 29, 2011 at 1:30 pm

    Dude, You’s funny! Keep the posts coming.

     
  10. Nyako

    December 5, 2011 at 7:01 pm

    I swear i you have killed it of this is creativity rather than reality you have nailed it waa ati OBANGO r u sure u aint coming up with this who says that???? ati packages lmao i have died i swear
    . Stop going for blind dates with people u’ve met on fb alternatively just stop. Good job this has made my day waaaaaa

     
  11. Current Coupon Codes

    December 17, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I like your blog, have you considered adding and RSS feed feature? That will allow me to get automatic updates of new sites. If you set up notifications via RSS, please email me! I will favorite your site for now. Again Excellent design!

     
  12. DJ_254

    March 14, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    lol. hilarious

     

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