DALLAHZ

Dear Doris,

Good morning lover? Calling someone lover feels funny… It is a tad heavy on the tongue… Moving on.

This one will be a long one… Where do I start?

You might be wondering what my title means… fear not, read on, you will find out!

I really want to tell you the long conversations that got me a scene on MALI but time is of the essence… Whatever that means! Lets jump straight to the main deal.

I was asked to be a guest star on MALI…

I am not feeling the way I have started this post! Lets do this again!

Dear Doris,

Good morning my love. I hope this letter finds you as beautiful as always.

I woke up with you on my mind today. How I miss you my love… My morning do not make sense anymore… They are now gray and dark since you left… The thought of your smile tries to keep me sane… I miss you!

Before I go further into this, I want you to understand we do not have a TV! Yes, sad but true! This information will be relevant after my next paragraph!

I suck at acting… I am amazing at telling stories, my tonal variation is perfect… My gestures and body movements nothing far from Denzel Washington’s on Training Day… But put a camera before me and I suddenly forget how to speak… I put on a weird voice and my heart is beating on my thigh! My feet shake so hard like I am about to take off… Cameras bring me to my knees… Those and yellow women… MALI put me between the two factors!

I have never watched MALI before because we do not have a TV! I see the billboards and posters all over the place though… All I know is that its a new tv series with a yellow woman 😀 I couldn’t say no when I was asked to star in it…

My scene comes in and I am playing a famous blogger… AS IN I WAS PLAYING ME… This was supposed to be easy… I am reading the script over and over and over again… But every time I see this yellow woman… I forget everything! I am sweating… Ok I was not sweating… I was freezing my ass off!

“we are rolling in 5, 4, 3…” a voice echoes…

I am on set, being interviewed by the yellow yellow, I can’t remember a single word from my script… For a second or two I was so blank… staring! Let me explain:

I love my women in red heels… I, mean, who doesn’t… BUT THERES SOMETHING A WOMAN IN BLACK HEELS WITH A RED SOLE DOES TO YOU… I manage to vulture though the first few seconds when the yellow yellow storms off the set (part of the script) I am supposed to be MAD at this (part of the script) I SWEAR TO GOD I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO BE MAD… All that’s going through my head is…

“yellow legs, OH MY GAWD the hells… IAN GET MAD! tiny skirt…”

Her name is Lulu…

YOU SHOULD DEFINITELY WATCH MALI… YOU WILL SEE HOW COMPLETELY CONFUSED I WAS!!!

Oh, and Dallahz is a name, beautiful sexy Luo woman… we have never met though.

Dear Dallahz, marry me, I promise never to look at Lulu again… Just tell her not to wear those heels and skirt around me and methinks we will live happily ever after!!!! See @dallahz here DALLAHZ

IN MORE DRAMATIC NEWS:

I am on a matatu to USIU seated at the front with some chic. She is extremely pretty but skinny…  ‘NEVER SCARED by Bonecrusher’ is playing on the radio! She is singing along bobbing her head… she is a bit annoying… Bonecrusher goes like'” WHOOOO AM IIIIII….” and she is like’ “BONECRUSHER MOTHERF*” this goes on for a while… I decide to completely ignore her… I shut my eyes!

She has stopped singing but still jerking violently… She is getting more violent by the second… I open my eyes ready to throw a tantrum only to see the her jerking terribly… not dancing to the song though … SHE WAS HAVING A FUCKIN SEIZURE! Her arms are all over the place… and foam all over her face! I am freaked out… I hit the driver and point at her! The driver stops the car… she is put on her back on the road side… a crowd forms around her in seconds… Everyone is a doctor… touching and grabbing! I am still in shock… One second she is ‘NEVER SCARED’ and the next she is, well… I shouldnt be joking about that!

I suck at taking charge in cases like these!! I remember sometime back as a kid, my friend and I were eating zambarau at the top of the zambarau tree (which is quite high). The boy loses grip and falls, hitting his head on a stone fracturing his skull… He blacked-out  out… I got down from the tree and walked home like nothing happened! This gives me an idea for my next post…

I have 79 new comments… To my new readers, Doris and I love you!

Now let me go for this luncheon… Congratulations on your graduation @jesuisorpah