Kwa Mpenzi Wangu Doris,
Sabalkheri nyotangu… Haki bebi nimekuhisi sijui nijifanyeje! Nimechoshwa na majirani kuniukizi yu wapi mpenzi! Tangu ulitoroka kwangu bebi nimefilisishwa kiroho na kimaisha… Bebi rudi nyumbani jameni! Barua haya nitaandika hadi siku gani bebi… Naomba msamaha kwa yote niiyoyafanya kukukera, whatever they were, lakini bebi mboni wanitesaaa?
That paragraph has made me so tired! Kiswahili is a language for the gods… Anyways, forget about that one…
So I have had enough with the terrible, annoying, irritating behaviors in our matatus… Yesterday on my way home some woman spat on me… she was sitting behind me and was clearing her throat when something viscous and dense landed on the back of my head.. THEN SHE WIPES IT OFF!!! I ALMOST COLLAPSED! If she was not pretty and yellow I would have knocked her teeth out…
I HATE THESE THINGS:
1. THE LAZY ANNOYING WOMAN
The Problem; This woman is always seated close to the door just behind the co-driver or at the co-drivers seat! She roots for the easiest way in and out… WHICH IS NOT A BAD THING BECAUSE I DO THIS SOMETIMES! Whats annoying about this bitch is, she knows she has to come off the matatu now and the for the people deeper inside to get off… She totally ignores this fact and instead of coming out… SHE SPINS SLIGHTLY ON HER SEAT GIVING YOU VERY LITTLE SPACE TO GET OFF! It is so annoying…
The solution; Bulldoze past her… treading on her feet.. Dont look back and dont apologize! If you can, raise your middle finger at them! Dont feel bad… coz Mwenda tezi na omo marejeo ni unga ngano!
2. THE ONE WITH THE SMELLY HAIR
The Problem; Ladies, maybe its just me… BUT WHEN YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE ZEBRA POOH, YOU PROBABLY KNOW RIGHT? There is a group of women who insist on having hair that smell of of of of HSIT! I mean SHIT! Them and the other group who insist on using hair product that smell like they were made using molasses and dung! Then the do not sit still in the matatu… busy moving their head so that the stench can circulate evenly in the matatu.
The solution; i honestly dont know the solution to this apart from WALK TO WHEREVER YOU ARE GOING AND LEAVE US ALONE… or you could talk to this lady here @edgicovi her hair smells like lavender and all those good things… Yes Ed, I smelt your hair 😀 Everyone was busy SINGING the national anthem though!
3. THE ONE WITH TB
The Problem; Ok maybe they don’t have TB.. BUT THEY SURE DO COUGH LIKE THEY DO!! AND SNEEZE! Ok we all get a cough at some point in our lives… It’s not our fault… But that does not mean you go around coughing with your mouth wide open! A matatu has 14 human beings… IF you keep coughing with that mouth wide open, tomorrow there will be 14 matatus with someone coughing because of your germs!
The solution; B KUBWA!
4. THE ANNOYING CHIC WITH A FAKE ACCENT WHO WILL NOT SHUT UP
The problem; This chic is always on her phone… Talking to her girlfriend… Never a man, if its a man, her voice is so low, almost like a whisper! She is always seated at the back… She has a bushy weave and multi colored nails… She carries a HUGE white hand bag and is wearing the white plastic shoes with a gold chain on them! She is loud! Very loud! Her phone call will probably last the whole matatu trip… She always has a pink Nokia C3 that she probably got during the Safaricom sale period… She has an annoying laugh… Screechy and bad for the ears! She has black jeans with DIOR written on both back pockets… She is wearing a yellow shiny blouse that looks extremely flammable! She is always chewing gum… She smells of cheap perfume and equally cheap lotion!! She has lipstick… a thick layer… She has an annoying twang… Long story short… AB! Yani annoying bitc*
The Solution; Earphones and a gas mask.
5: THE ONE WITH HALITOSIS
The Problem; Halitosis is an oral health condition characterized by consistently odorous breath. Often, identifying the cause of bad breath is the first step toward treating this preventable condition. This is the other group who will not shut their mouth… They live arguing with the conductor very much… They like sliding their windows shut… Just pray they don’t sneeze…
The Solution; A JUG OF LISTERINE!
6: THE WOMAN WITH THE WONDERING CHILD
The Problem; There are these women who have decided they have to travel with their children but will not pay for the child to sit! This kid is always seated when the matatu is empty but is brought to his feet immediately someone gets on! This child more often than not, is extremely restless… They are licking seats and looking at everything and will not just stand still… sometimes when you are sitting next to the woman, she will try forcing the child to sit in the tiny space between the two of you! She is always annoyed, this woman! Always!
The Solution; Just ignore her… The ride will be over soon… Just beware of the kid whose hand are probably sticky from manhandling a lollipop… AS A PERVERT I FIND THAT LAST LINE EXTREMELY YUCK!
6: THE MAN WITH BROAD SHOULDERS AND THE FAT WOMAN
The Problem; I am a very slender man… I take very little space in the matatu… I would like to think its very comfortable sitting with me! This group is by far the most annoying! I am not hating on your physical appearance… sharing a space with this group of people is close to impossible! The take the whole space. Then the men with broad shoulders ALWAYS INSIST ON PARTING THEIR LEGS!! Us innocent people end up sitting with half our asses! Do I really need to say anything about the fat woman?
I still have so many but this post is already too long!