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TABIA MBAYA KWA MATATU

09 Dec

Kwa Mpenzi Wangu Doris,

Sabalkheri nyotangu… Haki bebi nimekuhisi sijui nijifanyeje! Nimechoshwa na majirani kuniukizi yu wapi mpenzi! Tangu ulitoroka kwangu bebi nimefilisishwa kiroho na kimaisha… Bebi rudi nyumbani jameni! Barua haya nitaandika hadi siku gani bebi… Naomba msamaha kwa yote niiyoyafanya kukukera, whatever they were, lakini bebi mboni wanitesaaa?

That paragraph has made me so tired! Kiswahili is a language for the gods… Anyways, forget about that one…

So I have had enough with the terrible, annoying, irritating behaviors in our matatus… Yesterday on my way home some woman spat on me… she was sitting behind me and was clearing her throat when something viscous and dense landed on the back of my head.. THEN SHE WIPES IT OFF!!! I ALMOST COLLAPSED! If she was not pretty and yellow I would have knocked her teeth out…

I HATE THESE THINGS:

1. THE LAZY ANNOYING WOMAN

The Problem; This woman is always seated close to the door just behind the co-driver or at the co-drivers seat! She roots for the easiest way in and out… WHICH IS NOT A BAD THING BECAUSE I DO THIS SOMETIMES! Whats annoying about this bitch is, she knows she has to come off the matatu now and the for the people deeper inside to get off… She totally ignores this fact and instead of coming out… SHE SPINS SLIGHTLY ON HER SEAT GIVING YOU VERY LITTLE SPACE TO GET OFF! It is so annoying…

The solution; Bulldoze past her… treading on her feet.. Dont look back and dont apologize! If you can, raise your middle finger at them! Dont feel bad… coz Mwenda tezi na omo marejeo ni unga ngano!

This was a portrait I did of my cousins ex girlfriends mother :D

This was a portrait I did of my cousins ex girlfriends mother 😀

2. THE ONE WITH THE SMELLY HAIR

The Problem; Ladies, maybe its just me… BUT WHEN YOUR HAIR SMELLS LIKE ZEBRA POOH, YOU PROBABLY KNOW RIGHT? There is a group of women who insist on having hair that smell of of  of of HSIT! I mean SHIT! Them and the other group who insist on using hair product that smell like they were made using molasses and dung! Then the do not sit still in the matatu… busy moving their head so that the stench can circulate evenly in the matatu.

The solution; i honestly dont know the solution to this apart from WALK TO WHEREVER YOU ARE GOING AND LEAVE US ALONE… or you could talk to this lady here @edgicovi her hair smells like lavender and all those good things… Yes Ed, I smelt your hair  😀 Everyone was busy SINGING the national anthem though!

3. THE ONE WITH TB

The Problem; Ok maybe they don’t have TB.. BUT THEY SURE DO COUGH LIKE THEY DO!! AND SNEEZE! Ok we all get a cough at some point in our lives… It’s not our fault… But that does not mean you go around coughing with your mouth wide open! A matatu has 14 human beings… IF you keep coughing with that mouth wide open, tomorrow there will be 14 matatus with someone coughing because of your germs!

The solution; B KUBWA!

4. THE ANNOYING CHIC WITH A FAKE ACCENT WHO WILL NOT SHUT UP

The problem; This chic is always on her phone… Talking to her girlfriend… Never a man, if its a man, her voice is so low, almost like a whisper! She is always seated at the back… She has a bushy weave and multi colored nails… She carries a HUGE white hand bag and is wearing the white plastic shoes with a gold chain on them! She is loud! Very loud! Her phone call will probably last the whole matatu trip… She always has a pink Nokia C3 that she probably got during the Safaricom sale period… She has an annoying laugh… Screechy and bad for the ears! She has black jeans with DIOR written on both back pockets… She is wearing a yellow shiny blouse that looks extremely flammable! She is always chewing gum… She smells of cheap perfume and equally cheap lotion!!  She has lipstick… a thick layer… She has an annoying twang… Long story short… AB! Yani annoying bitc*

The Solution; Earphones and a gas mask.

5: THE ONE WITH HALITOSIS

The Problem; Halitosis is an oral health condition characterized by consistently odorous breath. Often, identifying the cause of bad breath is the first step toward treating this preventable condition. This is the other group who will not shut their mouth… They live arguing with the conductor very much… They like sliding their windows shut… Just pray they don’t sneeze…

The Solution; A JUG OF LISTERINE!

6: THE WOMAN WITH THE WONDERING CHILD

The Problem; There are these women who have decided they have to travel with their children but will not pay for the child to sit! This kid is always seated when the matatu is empty but is brought to his feet immediately someone gets on! This child more often than not, is extremely restless… They are licking seats and looking at everything and will not just stand still… sometimes when you are sitting next to the woman, she will try forcing the child to sit in the tiny space between the two of you! She is always annoyed, this woman! Always!

The Solution; Just ignore her… The ride will be over soon… Just beware of the kid whose hand are probably sticky from manhandling a lollipop… AS A PERVERT I FIND THAT LAST LINE EXTREMELY YUCK!

6: THE MAN WITH BROAD SHOULDERS AND THE FAT WOMAN

The Problem; I am a very slender man… I take very little space in the matatu… I would like to think its very comfortable sitting with me! This group is by far the most annoying! I am not hating on your physical appearance… sharing a space with this group of people is close to impossible! The take the whole space. Then the men with broad shoulders ALWAYS INSIST ON PARTING THEIR LEGS!!  Us innocent people end up sitting with half our asses! Do I really need to say anything about the fat woman?

I still have so many but this post is already too long!

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19 Comments

Posted by on December 9, 2011 in comedy, matatu tales

 

19 responses to “TABIA MBAYA KWA MATATU

  1. jnttnemo

    December 9, 2011 at 1:57 pm

    u dont know how i agree with all this with all my heart yaani!!

     
  2. kisslawsam (@kisslawsam)

    December 9, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    Nice Post!
    There is the other group that sings along to every song! Dayyum! I so hate them and feels like hitting their damn Kiongos!

     
  3. savvykenya

    December 9, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    LMAO! So True!

     
  4. Pushkim

    December 9, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    Haha! Boss, you nailed it squarley! good read.

     
  5. Njogu

    December 9, 2011 at 2:18 pm

    I personally hate it when the person sitted behind me in a mat vigorously opens his/her window bursting through my shoulder in the process. Trust me, after a loong tiresome day, you could end up picking up your teeth on the next bus stop.

     
  6. Jacs

    December 9, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    LOL…so true!…men who sit with parted legs and putting arms on you…dont i hate that!

     
  7. soniisugar

    December 9, 2011 at 10:35 pm

    Very true!! The lazy type annoy me the most. This is where my elbows come in handy…..

     
  8. D.od

    December 9, 2011 at 10:43 pm

    these ma3s uv been pandain Ian lol… but I know so well about the chic who talks loudly on her PINK NOKIA C3, lol… its either shz talkin way too loud or singing along to her crappy playlist still on the PINK NOKIA C3 LOL…
    and those people who feel the need to NOT open the window when quite clearly it is BLAZING outside na wamevaa Jacket ya southpole with boots to match… somethings I do not miss about Nai at all, lol

     
  9. Emmanuel melly

    December 10, 2011 at 11:14 pm

    You have just hit the nail on the head. People need to style up and consider the welfare of other passengers.

     
  10. SG5

    December 12, 2011 at 9:42 am

    Another one is the 30 year old single workmate lady at the workplace whose emotions are inversely proportional to her height.
    SOLUTION: Ignore her when she is craving for that attention, don’t give a fuck or at worst ask her whether she skived the age 13-21 bracket

     
  11. mmnjug

    December 13, 2011 at 2:25 pm

    You have forgotten those who go chewing food…with packets of chips, sugarcane……….. uurrgghhh!!

     
  12. Denis

    December 13, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    then there are those who like to fall asleep and use your shoulder as a pillow. and of they definitely drool on your clothes

     
    • Siren

      August 7, 2013 at 9:56 am

      What you do is,keenly observe their neck swaying and head falling pattern..when the head is about to drop,move your shoulder away…best results if the matatu happens to hit a bump at the exact moment!!
      So evil but worth the trouble…unfortunately these narcoleptic humans just fall back to slumber land resigning your shoulder to dead weight damnation!

       
      • mydeardoris

        August 14, 2013 at 11:32 pm

        Hahahaaaaa… clearly you are a ninja!!

         
  13. Owaahh

    December 14, 2011 at 10:33 am

    Hahaha, or the secret farters….

     
  14. proboxsucceed

    December 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm

    So so true. Especially the not opening the windows bit… and yeah the lazy type.

     
  15. Njeri Wamarite

    December 21, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    hahaha,usisahau the guy who knows the shortcuts more than the matatu driver and PYT singing along to all jams..

     
  16. optimusthe1

    December 28, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Really captures the typical matatu ride in Kenya….Very funny man!

     
  17. tkimani

    April 9, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Number 1; it’s hapenned to me loads of times and to be honest, I do enjoy ‘punishing’ them as you have described! Gives me a sense of acheivement. And you forgot to mention the annoying huge man/woman who you find seated alone in the front seat. When you open the door to sit next to the window, they usher you in, then make you sit next to the driver where you will have to keep readjusting your posture coz your knee keeps getting ‘geared’ everytime he shifts. Makes me mad as hell

     

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