BREAST FED-UP

Dear Doris,

It has been a while since we talked last… It is your fault, you realize? I have tried calling you so many times… I am starting to think you are ignoring me! Babe, just flash me even, I just need to know that you are alive…

It is sad that you don’t know how much I love you… and can’t possibly live without you! Come back to me… *said in that hoarse BOYZ || MEN voice*

Moving right along…

1. The River Island shirt 2. The Dolce and Gabbana tie 3. The NEXT (left) tie against The Dolce & Gabbana one

It’s funny how you sit next to a different person everyday you take a matatu ride… In a year you sit close to almost 500 different human beings! I find that very interesting… Instead of politicians waiting till two months to elections to campaign, why can’t you just take a matatu ride… You will meet 14 new people each ride… If we assume you take two rides everyday, that is equal to… lemme seeee… that’s about 7,280 new faces a year and about 36,400 people in 5 years… If you meet 36,400 of your potential followers… I thinks your empire will spread  far and wide… THIS INFORMATION IS COMPLETELY USELESS… Lets get to the serious bit…

I sat next to this woman… Lets call her Gladys… I don’t like that name, that’s why I am calling her that! I am about to BITC*

SO Gladys was holding her baby… probably a girl because she was embalmed in pink everything! ALL PINK EVERYTHING! I have no problem with this… non whatsoever… UNLESS THE CHILD IS CRYING ITS LARYNX OUT! This kid couldn’t shut up… Gladys goes ahead and hands the baby the tip of y tie to play with… Please be advised that my tie is a sold out, shimmering, solid purple, by Dolce & Gabbana, narrow and goes for 118£ online?! Well it is! Probably the most expensive piece of clothing I own… But I got mine from SUNBEAM…. Same difference! (please click on the link to see what i am talking about)

This child has been crying for a long while and her face is now a mess of mucosa! Gladys does nothing about this disturbing detail! The child’s hands are now slimy with the same… MUSCOSA! I hope you are already seeing where I am heading with all this…

The child tags on my DOLCE & GABBANA tie with all the goo… My heart stopped… I shut my eyelids so tight together I saw Mary Magdalene!! I died many times before I opened my eyes…

The child stopped crying! With my eyes shut… I could still feel the child tagging on my tie… My heart rate was now life threatening! And do you know the most scary part… If that baby were to let go of that tie… all the slime would be transferred to my River Island Al-Gordon blue shirt…

I undid my tie gently…The child still holding my tie… I was slowly pulling it away from her… I could see her face starting to crease up… ready FOR WAILING! My stop was close, so I had to take it anyway…

Immediately I took it from her, Gladys quickly yanks out her left breast and thrusts it into the child’s mouth!! Thing is… this child doesn’t want her breast, and pushes it away… Slapping it and grabbing violently… This was a very uncomfortable scene… Her breast was everywhere… AND I COULDNT STOP LOOKING BECAUSE IT WAS QUITE YELO! Hahaha!

I get off at Westlands and head for the dry cleaners at Sarit. I come pack for my tie in an hour… I don’t think I will be able to wear it again… At least I always have a spare tie in my desk at the office… It’s by NEXT… Not as shimmering but equally excellent.

p.s I can’t get Gladys’ breast off my head… Disgusting I know… But it is my cross now!!