MY SUGAR MUMMY

Dear Doris,

Please wipe that look on your face and at least listen to the story before you judge me!! Yes, that’s more like it… You looked like you had swallowed a piggy bank!!

How are you my love? A few letters I had written you sometime last month were sent back to me…. Apparently you didn’t know the sender!!! Babe, whats going on? Ok asking for a divorce was understandable, I am always out of the country for business… BUT DECIDING YOU DO NOT KNOW ME ANYMORE IS A TAD, WELL… RUDE! I am not even sure you will get this one! I will write anyways.

I am going to dive right in it… Clearly my title does not allow me otherwise! I was out last Saturday… Like every other saturday of my life. At Quins to be exact. The crowd was fertile… By fertile i mean there was an approachable woman every half degree of head rotation! Does my last statement make sense? Then again, I don’t care!

So I want you to see exactly what is going on as it goes on. I want you to be in my shoes….I hope you can fit into a size 11! I will build the scene for you… I really hope you can read and understand English…

Koro achung e club büt DJ. Thum muoch marachhhh… Amadho kon’go ma tekre ne thoth ndi! Nyiri opong dabal… Nungo winyre to nyosre mo otamo wan’ga!

Ok that was a joke… Please get a Luo friend to help you with that last paragraph… No I will not be tribalistic… In English:

I am in the club, standing next to the DJ. The… This post is a bit boring… It’s not building up the way I want it to…

So to cut a long story short… This woman comes to me… she is well above 40. Her dread locks are well maintained and are rooting for her ass… which looked half her age! She is not pretty, but you can tell she is taking care of herself… The wrinkles under her eyes are well maintained… They are evident but not sagging like the ones most women her age do! Her fingers are heavily wrinkled. She is wearing a wedding ring that looks like its been round her finger longer than I have been alive. She is in white linen and her red heels look expensive. Her dress has its hem slightly above the knee. You can almost glimpse at her thighs!

She has heavy beads round her neck. rough beads, almost looks like ivory. Same material on her earrings! Her wrist watch looks expensive… 

She walks to me… Halfway across the club. Everyone around me is dancing vigorously to the dub step playing so she is quite ambiguous because she approaches slowly… Its like those exorcism movies where the possessed soul is so evident in a congregation! I sip my drink (that is blue by the way)!

She comes close enough to feel te hairs on my chest (I don’t have those)!

“I want you!” she whispers and turns around then heads back to her seat! The message was clear… It pierced through the loud music like there was no music at all… I sipped my drink!

Everyone around me was now staring at me… I felt naked…. I had to change my location! I went and sat at the far end of the bar, talking to this girl who knew me so well! I had no clue who she was!

“I can give you anything you want!” A whisper! The same voice from earlier! The story line then thickens! This woman was willing to get me a unicorn…

She winks at me then walks away!

I was getting freaked out so I change locations again! I am now at the furthest end of the club, near the bathroom… My plan… I would get into the bathroom if I was to spot her coming my way…

It was not long until I saw her… Approaching like gliding pelican… Thing is, she had this thing… the only way I can explain it is, ‘that thing that holds you on the track when a train is approaching!’

I was helpless.. She penetrated through the rowdy crowd like a snake…

“I want you to be mine… Tonight!” She whispered! She had pinned me against the wall! Her face almost touching mine! I was scared she might try to kiss me and infect me with a disease!

It was time TO LEAVE THAT CLUB!

I am outside the club… waiting for my people so that we can leave… Guess who I see… YES! The woman in white linen! She, for the first time, has her hand bag. She was probably leaving too.. No, SHE WAS DEFINITELY LEAVING! She walks to me… This time, she does not say a word! She is holding a business card. Her intention was to slip it into my breast pocket! Almost all my shirts do not have breast pockets… So after a few seconds of trial and error, she slips it in me trouser back pocket… She grabs on my ass in the process! I do not move an inch!

I know her name and where she works…

I will not mention names, lakini, If your mother or grandmother drives a maroon X6, plates KXX XX9R she is willing to give me anything I want…

(I think I just broke a home Doris)