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THAGRUOK BIN MATATA (English Version)

26 Jan

My Love Doris,

I knew I was getting myself into trouble when I wrote my last post in Luo. So here is the translation. This one is dedicated to @shirogaitho @shae @makenawinnie and @queengathoni.

And the translation:

I know those of you who do not understand Luo will be so mad at me. But you have to understand Amolo Tinga’s mother tongue..

How have you been my love. I have been thinking about you so much since I last saw you seven years ago. Nairobi is full of women but not as beautiful as you, I don’t even look at them because at the back of my head I know I still have you! My woman is soft, a luo woman with full cheeks, hair that smells of angels and a dangerous waist (that last line sounds better in Luo).

My body is aching so bad from all the strenuous things I got into yesterday … Please put your dirty mind aside, it’s not because of what you are thinking! I can almost see your smile…

So the story goes like this… Please be warned that sex is not involved at any point of this story!

My brother bought a scooter yesterday! Yes, he shocked me too… So he calls me at about 11am in the middle of a meeting and whispers “the eagle has landed” This I learnt later on that day that it means THE SCOOTER IS HERE! He is excited and so am I. I tell him to come to my office with the scooter during his lunch break so I can see it…

He call me at lunch time and says he cant get the thing started. Please be advised that he doesn’t know how to ride a scooter and neither can I. We were googling how ‘TO RIDE A SCOOTER’ the night before! So he asks me to google how to get it started and text him so he could come over! I am on my computer, watching you tube ‘how to start-up a scooter’ videos!!

He calls, “it has started… I am coming!” I am waiting!

He gets into my office compound pushing the thing… For a split second I thought he had pushed it all the way…. which would make more sense than him riding it here!

On his way out, riding the scooter, he shot off. You know when you are being taught how to drive and the first few times you let go of the clutch  a bit too fast and the car takes off at unimaginable speed… THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON!

He calls me and says he got to the office safely! I had been holding my breath from the time he left…

In uncalculated excitement, I call him back and tell him to pick me up on his way home so we ride on the scooter together! Seemed like a brilliant idea at the time until he called me at about 4pm to ask me if i am sure!! It didn’t sound like a good idea but I had to show some faith!

He was at my office at 5:30pm pushing the thing again! I was scared shitless!

“This thing has just gone off when I was riding!” was all he said. “Push me!” He continued! Dear Doris, I have seen a many peculiar things in my long life but never a piki piki being pushed!

I pushed… and pushed…and PUSHED! The thing refused to come on!

“Lets leave it here in my office we  call a mechanic tomorrow” was my two cents! BULLET PROOF IDEA! We get to live and save ourselves the trouble of getting this machine home! Then the devil spoke to me, “try pushing one more time…” I tried and the thing burst into a harmonious roar!

My brother sped off… He couldn’t stop because he was afraid it might die on us again!! You have probably deduced that I had to jump on a moving scooter… The embarrassment was impossible! We were going so fast, wind blowing through my hair… haha! He was pretty good… At least we were still alive! And at the same time, trying to figure out the fastest way home with the least traffic!

We come up with Brookside Grove!

You already know that to get to Kileleshwa (destination) from Spring Valley (my office) you will have to go through Waiyaki Way which is arguably the busiest road in this city!

THIS WAS LIKE FINAL DESTINATION 5!

We get to Waiyaki way safely but my heart rate so high its mingling with Jesus!

The scooter goes off at the Brookside Grove junction joining Waiyaki Way! We think fast and decide to push this thin across the busy road! PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT A SCOOTER IS EXTREMELY HEAVY! You should have seen us…. Two grown men in suits pushing a scooter across the road!!

We managed to get to the other side alive! Be warned that our problems are about to multiply!!!

We get to the other side and my brother jumps on the scooter and orders…. “PUSH!” I do as I am told… I needed to get home and drown my sorrows…

I PUSH!!! Thing is, the scooter feels heavier than before! In fact, I can barely push it! its like my brother got heavier! After trying for like half an hour with no progress, we notice that we have a flat tire! The back wheel is completely flat!

Next suggestion: “Lets fix it!” A scooter has a spare wheel on the side! We had googled this also the night before but forgot how to. Trust me, It is not as simple as you think! It has hidden bolts and shit!

We  undo the bolts… Then there is this last one that’s smaller than the wheel spanner! My brother sets out  to look for a pair of pliers! He gets back 20 minute later with a wheel spanner and a pair of pliers! We try for like an hour to remove this single bolt!! NOTHING!!

I come up with yet another brilliant idea… “Lets ride on this flat until home then we fix it from there!” I say! My brother agrees and we fasten the rest of the bolts and he jumps on! It was time to push the scooter again!!

LAdies and gentlemen, it was that moment that I knew YOU CANNOT GET A SCOOTER WITH A FLAT TO MOVE NO MATTER WHAT!

It was about 8pm now! It’s so dark and cold… We are stuck so far from home with a scooter!

We decide to call Gideon, my cousin, who drives a pick up to come rescue us (he drives a pick up too)! He was in class in USIU! BLUNDER!

We call our friend Lemi who is not so far away! his jaw dropped when he saw a scooter… He thought we had a car!

We are saved… BUT NOT COMPLETELY! We had to carry the scooter onto the pick up! This by far was the hardest bit of the adventure… A SCOOTER IS SO FUCKIN’ HEAVY!

We get home alive… My shirt… MY HUGO BOSS SHIRT has oil and grease everywhere!! DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ON MY BURTLER AND WEBB SUIT!

*THE END*

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18 Comments

Posted by on January 26, 2012 in comedy, near death

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

18 responses to “THAGRUOK BIN MATATA (English Version)

  1. savvykenya

    January 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    I patiently waited for the English version…! He he, I am rewarded!

     
  2. optimusthe1

    January 26, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    Much better…the jango one was tek kabisa! U gots guts riding a scooter with a learner 🙂

     
  3. KwasiJon

    January 26, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Pasta is a hero….A scooter?!!

     
  4. Anne Njae

    January 26, 2012 at 7:04 pm

    I shouldnt read this in public, laughing out loud and having people stare at me!! Ianba, you dunnit again! Thank you.

     
  5. Lily

    January 26, 2012 at 7:23 pm

    Hahaha! ‘scooter tales’ (that sounds wrong). Anyway, .. You’ve just made my evenin..

     
  6. littleknownpoet

    January 26, 2012 at 10:26 pm

    hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! I miss SM :’D

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 27, 2012 at 9:55 am

      I called you when I was on that scooter… or rather, you called me 😀

       
  7. Njeri Wamarite

    January 27, 2012 at 8:35 am

    Cray

     
  8. magi

    January 27, 2012 at 8:55 am

    hahaaaa, i can see the look Pasta is going for with this. i hope you have helmets.

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 27, 2012 at 9:53 am

      Magi, WHAT HELMETS???? WE RIDE GANGSTA, LABDA BANDANA! 😀

       
  9. proboxsucceed

    January 27, 2012 at 9:41 am

    Thanks.

     
  10. Jacs

    January 27, 2012 at 10:01 am

    I have laughed so hard – I cried…..my boss just walked over to ask if I am okay 🙂 …great post! Can we have them daily?

     
  11. D.od

    January 27, 2012 at 9:23 pm

    too much! and the luo version def killed me.. ur clearly VERY FLUENT, lol

     
  12. akellove

    January 30, 2012 at 9:54 am

    Mingling with Jesus. :o)

     
  13. @queengathoni

    January 30, 2012 at 4:45 pm

    oh and thanks for not changing the luo heading… i hv no idea what it means but it totally fits even in the translation

     
  14. wanjam

    February 6, 2012 at 11:04 am

    i know im alil late..but u guy i have jus read this blogg n i have laughed..for sure i have no more monday blues after reading this….good one

     
  15. zellycherry

    February 21, 2012 at 4:12 pm

    Lmao. I’ve never laughed so much over a blog post! *still laughing*

     
  16. pundi

    February 6, 2014 at 12:21 pm

    Mad child!!

     

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