08 Feb

Dear Doris,

I don’t have a lot of time today. Consider this stolen time!! For some weird reason, stolen time sounds sexy!! STOLEN TIME… Its like time put aside for sex =) STOLEN TIME!!!

On to more serious things!!


Ladies and relevant gentlemen, I buy my airtime in 50’s by Mpesa… By that grammatically wrong sentence I mean-I NEVER BUY CREDIT FOR MORE THAN 50 BOB AT ONE TIME!! Call me cheap, I totally agree with you! This 50 bob will last a day or 2 depending on whether it rains or not… I will explain this later! So I bought 50 bob Safaricom credit from my Mpesa application like 2 weeks ago… I still had it till today morning!! I have been texting my thumbs off and calling people off the hook! It was a bit weird for it to last this long!! I wanted to buy credit! You know that urge? -OLD HABITS! So before i bought the next bamba 50 I decided to call my grandad with the last bit of airtime that was left… We talked for more than an hour and I thought the network provider was having issues… OHHH STUPID ME!!! The funny thing is, I didnt check my credit balance at any given point!

Long story short, I have a Blackberry Pearl 8250, one of the oldest in the market… It is an amazing phone, but its like an Equity ATM machine when using mpesa… As in if you need to buy 50/= credit, you have to punch in 50.00! Are you seeing where this is going? So, I forgot to put in the  decimal! Thats the only thing that can explaine my new credit balance which was now 2,400/=

Dear Safaricom, please monitor how your customers buy credit… if one of us has been buying credit in 50’s and from nowhere buys 5,000/= worth, please cancel the transaction and call them to confirm their sanity or job promotion…


The other day in a matatu to town I met this kid… The boy was on class three…

So I get into the matatu and the makanga is raising his voice at this kid, who by the way, is alone! This kid was not bothered one bit by the loud mouth! He had in his mouth a lollipop and a huge maize cob held tightly on his right hand!

“wwe mtoto unashuka wapi?” the makanga would shout every 5 seconds!

“mbele!” the kid would answer, with no care in the world!

“na wapi pesa?!” The makanga would add! The kid would look out his window like this man was talking bullshit!

“Wewe umetumia pesa ya gari kununua switi na mahindi!” the makanga mocked!

The kid ignored him like he was a leper in the streets of Jerusalem! (dont ask where that came from)

Somewhere between Parklands and Ngara when the matatu had stopped and the makanga was calling out for people, the kid jumped out! He then said to the woman who was sitting closest to the door (she was asleep and this gave the kid a little problem seeing he wanted to get off witout the makanga knowing) “kulala lala tu ndio zako! Ama unajiskia kunilipia ferrari!” And with swag like no other, crossed the busy road to the other side!

p.s – I later lerant that ‘ferrari’ is bus fare!

Ok this next part will be hard to believe… You can choose to believe or to ignore this. After crossing the road, the kid walked straight to one of those guys who sell sweets and biro pens under a dirty umbrella and bought what looked like cigarettes… I am not fuckin’ with you!


Posted by on February 8, 2012 in matatu tales


Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

9 responses to “SAFARICOM & GANGSTA BABY!

  1. Njeri Wamarite

    February 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

    hahahaa,ian,theres a customer feedback link on the safaricom website,im sure they’ll put ur feedback into serious consideration

    • mydeardoris

      February 8, 2012 at 5:44 pm

      Wamar ebu ambia hao watu wenyu warudishe doh zangu!! HAHA!

  2. savvykenya

    February 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    That kid got swag! Speaking of lollipop and maize, I once got into a mat with this guy who was eating chapo and a lollipop!

  3. barbz2011

    February 8, 2012 at 7:15 pm

    Savvy are you sure it wasn’t April first or something closer?
    …I am sure that “cigarette” part is up for debate. Ain’t it???…

  4. Kuchiki J

    February 8, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    Hahaha…mine was of a mama eating avocados with bare hands n she didn’t use wipes, she used the scarf she had on!!

  5. proboxsucceed

    February 9, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Oh my.. The sheng. Waah. That Safaricom bit was hilarious.

  6. jnttnem0

    February 9, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    this was funny through and through, something similar has happened to me with the credit thing. even though i do not rock a blackberry.
    the kid #WINNING

  7. D.od

    February 9, 2012 at 11:43 pm

    No comment… this life u live is a crazy one, lol. and si nOw u can call me with all that airtime, yes?? YES!


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