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WHERE TO SIT

10 Feb

Dear Doris,

I am listening to Dolla Kabbary as I type this. I am a bit excited! The song is ‘Alemo Alema’! It is a big tune!

Now that I have set the mood…

This letter will be more educative than anything else! You know, “Education is key!” My Grandfather said that a lot… Thats why Arungas are dominating the whole place… I am afraid I could have started a small war with my last statement! I know the next thing you are going to ask me is, “do you know Esther Arunga?” Well, not to brag, but yes, I know her, we have met a few times!

Forgive me but my last paragraph; if I continued; would get me into deeper shit, which I am already in…

What I am about to teach you might come out as completely irrelevant to those of you who own cars and scooters like myself… NEWS FLASH: IT IS! So if you have a car please stop reading at this point… This letter is for THE MASOFARAS who ride matatus errrrryday!

Like the title depicts already, I am going to teach you where to sit in a matatu! You might think it easy math… You are thinking wrong, there’s so much science to it. There is so much quantum mechanics to it!.. I hope you are not an idiot who barely passed their sciences in high school… If you are, this is where you stop reading… I would hate to make a fool out of you! It is very understandable and normal to be an idiot… If God could have created all of us intelligent, we would all have jets in our parking lots… Earth as it is, with the few jets made by the few geniuses, we barely fit… Get my flow? Yeah, me neither!

Please keep this equation in mind, we will need it later on:

ÐV(p+1) = Vp + m (u- Vp) /[M – (p+1) m] = (p+1) m u / (M – m)

Where to sit in a matatu:

Before I begin I want you to close your eyes and picture the design of the interior of a matatu… This is very important. Done? Ok let’s go on… and for those of you who didn’t stop to close their eyes… I like you, you are a true sofara… You know the design like the back of your hands!

Aluta continua:

A matatu is completely uncomfortable. The measure of your uncomfort is achieved by the equation below

∑(w-F / cc) x (d/R-J) + H

which is simply summation (window – Fat woman / crying child) x (distance / rough road – jam) + Heat

Let me explain: If you are not seated next to a window and you are sharing a seat with some fat woman who has a crying child and you are traveling a long distance on a rough road with traffic and the hot sun… THEN FRIEND, YOU ARE SCREWED!

I will do this in two parts 1. Seats to avoid completely and 2. The spot

1. Seats to avoid

– There are 14 seats in a matatu (driver and conductor seats included). But cunning individuals in the matatu industry have added a seat between the driver and the co-driver’s seat! AVOID THIS SEAT COMPLETELY! This seat sits right at the flaming stomach of the engine! It is normally hard as fuck too… And most f the time slanting on one side and does not have a seat belt! If you don’t die from the heat from the engine burning your ass, you will fly of the wind shield from the slightest impact AND DIE! It is by far the most uncomfortable and most dangerous seat in the house! Your chances of dying are depicted by the equation below

Σ1-0

Which in simple English means you are dead basically!

– The other seat to avoid are ALL THE SEATS AT THE BACK! This is why: They are very uncomfy because they have the least leg room with massive speakers and spare tires and those protrusions on either side of the matatu where the wheels go! There is barely space for you to sit at all! But this is not the scary part! If a car, lorry, bus, trailer was to hit the matatu from the back… you will never be able to have sex again because of two reasons one: YOU WILL NOT HAVE A BACKBONE two: YOU WILL BE DEAD! Also if you are as tall as me, 6  feet 4 inches (which by the way is 2 inches shorter than Michael Jordan) you keep on hitting your head on the roof… This might cause internal bleeding in the brain and concussions etc

The equation to explain my theory is ΣDAF which is Summation DEAD AS FUCK! Quantum mechanics!

– Some other dangerous seats are the 3 seats behind the driver! The engine again, in this case, comes out as a problem! It is right at your foot. Leg room = zero! In most matatus I have been on, there is a metal railing separating the driver from this row of seats. It the driver was to hit his emergency brake, you will surely lose all your teeth in the blink of an eye! If you are seated in the middle in this case, you will smash into the LCD screen right in front of you!

If you have been following this post, you already know that we have crossed out 7 out of 15 seats… Stay with me!

– The seat closest to the door is also a threat to human kind in multiple ways. The most common one is the makanga (who sometimes stinks like boiled sewer) will forcefully share the seat with you! He has every right, its his seat anyway! You sitting on his seat is referred to in ‘Business Law’ as invitation to treat! The other thing is you are closest to the main door… In case of any insecurity issue (hijack, robbery, rape, murder) that may arise from outside, you will face it head on! Oh, you can also fall off seeing that these matatu doors fall out all the time!

My equation to explain this: (M+1)²-(D+Sb) (which is Makanga +you on one seat) – (door and seatbelt)

– Another obvious seat to avoid is the driver’s seat but i am assuming you already knew that! This one has no equation, it is assumed by the scientists I consulted as a Constant (k).

We are remaining with 4 seats that might be safe! Lets dig deeper and find out if they are.

– The second last row in the matatu is very promising! The 3 seats on this row all have their advantages! The middle seat on this row is the safest in the matatu! Believe it! Its only disadvantage is that it’s on the way! All the three Africans from the back will rub themselves on you on their way out and in! I find random people rubbing against me so FUCKIN’ uncomfortable!

(note: i am already beyond 100 words! I should be stopping)

I find it uncomfortable because there is this one time some guy brushed passed me and left blood and fragments of burnt skin on my shirt! I brushed against the wrong man with a burn on the wrong place!

Back to business… So this is the safest seat. Just pray a fat woman with massive hips is not sitting on your right… She will push you clean off your seat!

– The seat on you left has the same advantages as the one I have just mentioned. It comes to an almost draw between the two. It’s just that the one on the left has a window! Very important factor when someone decides to fart or remove their shoes!

– The seat on the far right on the same row shares all the advantages too except leg room. It has that bump for the wheel. I am sure you know what I am talking about!

– we have only one seat left in this research document! Allow me to state it on my next segment ‘The Spot’!

2. The Spot

The co-driver’s seat! Please be advised that this is MY SPOT! It is not the safest though but definitely the most comfortable for a man my height! Its only disadvantage is that incase on a head on accident, the passengers on this seat rarely survive… You also get to see your death coming first hand, which might be an advantage and not the inverse! Breakdown:

Leg room  = 100%

Comfortable seat = 100%

Newspaper* = 100%

View = 100%

And my last equation to explain why this is my best seat, please go back to the first equation I gave at the beginning. It is self-explanatory!

 

 

 

 

 

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16 Comments

Posted by on February 10, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, near death

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

16 responses to “WHERE TO SIT

  1. savvy

    February 10, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    He he you’re a genius!

     
  2. Kuchiki Julian

    February 10, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Hehe… 😀 QUANTUM mechanics indeed!

     
  3. Holly

    February 11, 2012 at 8:47 am

    man u r insane. Sounds like i know your english teacher. Mad creativity,

     
  4. Linda

    February 11, 2012 at 12:42 pm

    Heheee…..! Truly this is a very revealing piece of research…….I love your analytic mind!

     
  5. mmnjug

    February 11, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Hahahaha!! 🙂 Acceptable equation.

     
  6. vαllєríє (@_Vallerrie_)

    February 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    I disagree.
    My favest seat on a mat is the one right behind the kange. I love it for the following reasons;
    1) I hate having to move or get off the mat to make way for people as they shuka, on this seat I don’t have to.
    2) I don’t have to share it with anyone.
    3) Proximity to the door,its very convenient for when you need to shuka in a hurry.
    It takes serious guts to sit on the co-drivers seat especially in a Nganya mat. I just cant watch the dangerous corners, the overtaking with an oncoming car less than 50 meters away and the cursing!

     
  7. D.od

    February 20, 2012 at 9:36 pm

    The front is my seat too.. we shall share it when I am back haha.. love it!

     
  8. The Hailer (@hailer03)

    February 22, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    First time here and i think I will go through all your articles.. I like 🙂

     
  9. jnttnem0

    April 3, 2012 at 9:38 am

    i am in tears from laughter, also av choked twice!!

     
  10. ViValdi

    April 9, 2012 at 11:46 pm

    Toooo funny! Don’t sahau when you sit btw the spot and the driver, thats when the homie insists on violently changing gears which forces you to sit in some inhuman yoga type angle! ha!

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 10, 2012 at 10:30 am

      hahaha! I know those positions!The driver is practically molesting you!

       
  11. herine

    May 17, 2012 at 10:02 am

    totally agree with the co drivers seat being the most comfortable and then the sit behind the kange coming in second for reasons quoted by vallerie

     
  12. Jay Mwangangi

    May 17, 2012 at 10:55 am

    Spot on!!! My worst seat is the one in front of the of the kange. I CANNOT stand the poking!! [Poke] leta doe [Poke] shika change [Poke] niitishie hapo mbele [Poke] Muulize kama ako na mbao nimge hamsini [Poke] shika mpe hii change [Poke] nipitishie ya huyo mwingine [Poke] shika umge change……………. Who the F is kange here????

     
    • mydeardoris

      May 17, 2012 at 11:28 am

      HAHAHHAHAHA! I WANT YOU TO BE MY GHOST WRITER!

       
  13. ngaresworld

    July 11, 2012 at 11:41 am

    You missed two seats next to the kange…

     

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