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MY MOSQUITO OBITUARIES

27 Feb

Dear Doris,

Just to warn you before I go any further, I am extremely confused as I write this letter. A lot of things my not make sense and some might not even be relevant. But all in all, please read it to the end, it might just make sense at the last sentence. I know you never read my letters to the bottom because on your replies, no question I ask on the second paragraph onwards is never answered. But it is ok my love. Who am I to tell you what to read and what not to read?!

A random memory; as a kid our house help Rhoda told me that if I flashed the toilet I would grow taller. I was a naughty child; you can ask any of my mothers! For the longest time I flashed the toilet 3 times after doing the poo poo and twice after susu. Then I would stand straight against the wall and mark how tall I had grown with charcoal! The weird thing is that I was growing taller and fast… I increased to 4 flashes after poo poo and three after susu. I am now taller than the average human and it scares me that Rhoda might have been right! The only thing I think she lied to me about was if I did all my homework I would be president! I am still waiting on that one.

Doris, we don’t talk anymore like we used to? People are starting to talk! Someone asked me today if we are divorced! I am actually starting to think we are my love! I know we have our differences but I believe our love is way stronger than whatever differences two people would go through!

Let me brighten up this letter!

So I have finally decided I am not a normal child. People have problems I know, me I have ALL THE PROBLEMS! I have always wondered why my brother calls me Looney but I finally came into agreement with his statement when I started going through my journals!

an obituary page
an obituary page

I have A LOT of journals! My life from 10 to 20 is depicted in writing! I had like 25 journals until I started moving houses a lot and can only find six WHICH IS SO FUCKIN* SCARY! Someone somewhere is probably reading about how I lost my virginity… The only comforting detail I have is my terrible handwriting. At some point of my life I was the only one that could read my handwriting until I started getting paid to write letters to girls in high school and people complained! I am glad to say my handwriting is now the best in my bedroom!

Like I was saying…. I was going through my journals which I have decided I will share with you… ok scratch the sharing part!

I was going through this particular journal (Feb 2007-Oct 2007), which was dedicated to my mother. Most of it was the normal stuff, sex, women, college and more women oh and a suicidal note, which I will share with you on my next, post ITS HILARIOUS!

the late Dr. Diehard Emilio
the late Dr. Diehard Emilio

Moving on! Everything was making sense until I came to the last pages of the book… here is where I knew I needed a doctor! Like the last 10pages were full of dead mosquitoes stuck on them using transparent tape! I KNOW RIGHT!!!! But that is not the weird part: under each mosquito was an obituary! AT SOME POINT OF MY LIFE I ACTUALLY SPENT TIME ON KILLING MOSQUITOS, TAPING THEM ON A BOOK AND WRITING TEIR OBITUARIES!!!

You are not the only one thinking I need help right now!

I have an excuse for this abnormal activity. The house I stayed in at the time had a school of mosquitos every night that were completely immune to insecticide! I tried everything! Even the burning coiled thing, which almost killed me coz of all the fumes! A mosquito net was out of the question because these insects were like the SWAT! They would find a way in and they would come at you with everything they got! In a night I would slap dead more than 20 mosquitoes!


You know how annoying it is when you have a mosquito buzzing in your room at night? Well try to imagine 50 of them buzzing at the same time… its like Mozart and Akon doing a piece together!

So I decided to make killing mosquitos fun by collecting them and writing their obituaries, which was extremely fun! I gave them names and manner of death and fundraiser dates and all… YOU THINK I AM MAD HUH!?

I am listening to Coming home by Sauti Sol which is by far my favorite jam!

“popote ulipoooooo, ninakuwaza mamaaa”

The Late Nishike Nisijinyonge
The Late Nishike Nisijinyonge

 (This is dedicated to @Kirigongarua who showed concern about the probable separation between Doris and I)

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32 Comments

Posted by on February 27, 2012 in comedy, love, my art, near death

 

Tags: ,

32 responses to “MY MOSQUITO OBITUARIES

  1. @queengathoni

    February 27, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    WIN WIN WIN. i love this piece….

     
  2. Dear Doris

    February 27, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Why thank you Gathoni 🙂 😉

     
  3. Chumbin Bujari

    February 27, 2012 at 11:52 pm

    No doubt, you had ALL THE PROBLEMS! I wasn’t even laughing at the obituary, but the ‘Om Shanti Shanti Shanti’ at the corner of the picture. Oh my goodness! HAHAHAHA!

     
  4. Eleanor Musibi

    February 28, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Haha you guy!!!This comforts me…clearly there are many looney people out there 😀 but your writing is just superb!!! 🙂 🙂

     
  5. Teddy Kip (@TeddyKip)

    February 28, 2012 at 10:49 am

    LOOKING FORWARD TO YOUR NEXT ARTICLE…… KEEP IT UP MAN….

     
  6. savvykenya

    February 28, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Ha ha can’t wait for the next post!

     
  7. optimusthe1

    February 28, 2012 at 11:26 am

    There are those who’ve lost it but it seems you never had it in the first place…..Looney tunes galore! Too funny!!

     
  8. Baru

    February 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Boss! i face palmed, i smh! i coud not believe how much time you have.

     
  9. Bree

    February 28, 2012 at 11:56 am

    just followed a link from a friend….and am glad i did….quite awesome i must say…:-))

     
  10. Jennifer Hudson

    February 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Am beginning to doubt your sanity… great post!

     
  11. Shae

    February 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    thank you for the laugh….and you are mad, just in case you are still in doubt

     
  12. Nitapaa

    February 28, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Awfully thankful for the laughter….definitely madness is made of this!

     
  13. Shiko-Msa

    February 28, 2012 at 2:48 pm

    Lovely read. Picked me right up from a hot boring afternoon. I’ll be back.

     
  14. joyce kimani

    February 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    interestingly crazy…….

     
  15. magaribina

    February 28, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    I think it is in the interests of the general public that you publish the obituaries in their entirety! Your mosquito killing abilities (and your writing skills) are top notch.

     
  16. mmnjug

    February 28, 2012 at 4:34 pm

    Hahahaha!! You never wake up and find your mind fried……….it starts thus…!! Lol!!!

     
  17. Amamacho

    February 28, 2012 at 4:57 pm

    LOL you guy!! nice piece.

     
  18. That Angel Girl

    February 29, 2012 at 1:33 am

    You’re hilarious. I’m finally commenting after lurking around for months 🙂

     
  19. shuga

    February 29, 2012 at 9:39 am

    No need to waste money looking for a Psych consult. You my friend are a looney…

     
  20. proboxsucceed

    February 29, 2012 at 9:43 am

    “You Collect Stamps Ill collect dead mosquitoes”…. Nice

     
  21. iamabronger

    March 1, 2012 at 12:16 pm

    this is tooo hillarious…… this amazing stuff…

     
  22. KwasiJon

    March 2, 2012 at 10:02 am

    Boss, what were you feeding those mosquitos?! They’re huge!

     
  23. tkimani

    March 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    You are a class act my friend; no doubt about that! The mosquito thing is pretty unorthodox, don’t you think? Weird coincidence btw; when I was a kid, we also had a help whose name was Rhoda. She did’t lie quite as much though :-p

     
  24. Magi

    March 9, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    Good to see not much has changed, its even funnier in Kisumu. keep writing!!
    love, Magi

     
  25. aideedystopia

    March 20, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    This is super inventive. The counterpoint between growing taller by ‘flashing’ the toilet, asking Doris for more love and the mosquito notebook…BRILLIANT!! Publishing houses in the country know fuck all about where to find GREAT KENYAN writers….you are one…keep improving…one day you’ll be part of the REAL kenyan literary revolution.

     
  26. aideedystopia

    March 20, 2012 at 8:14 pm

    On Shanti, Shanti…the bit just obscured in one of the photos…man! That’s cool!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      March 21, 2012 at 2:57 pm

      Why thank you 🙂 I didnt see it until now… you have a good eye 😀

       
  27. Sherry

    January 29, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    Did your teachers like you, love you or hate you? Hahahahaha

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 29, 2014 at 7:30 pm

      Hehe… All my Indian teachers didn’t like me 😦

       
  28. Paul Gazu

    January 31, 2014 at 9:01 am

    Hahaha there’s even a Hindu mosquitoe

     
  29. Lydiah

    May 8, 2014 at 11:38 am

    hihihihihi, I thought i was going to burst a rib. i swear. How had i missed this one out? This is not hilarious, its beyond it. And i think we may have a serial killer on the loose here. best to watch out.

     

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