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ITALIAN JOB

21 Mar

My Lover,

I have 3 very important things to tell you today mi amor (ok what does mi amor mean? I hear it is mushy movies a lot so I am guessing its a mushy maneno)

MOVING RIGHT ALONG…

IMPORTANT THING NUMBER ONE – I love you.

Ok maybe i had only one very important thing to say :/

Let me ask you… Yes I am talking to you! As you look behind you… But yes, the person reading this… How many bank robbery movies have you watched? As in the excellent executions of the toughest robberies… As in wakina Oceans 11 and Italian Job and Oceans 12 and Inside Job and Oceans 13 and Fly Paper…. I could go on and on…

In the movies I have mentioned, theres planning… and training… and cool equipment… and guns and A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN… THERE IS ALWAYS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!!

Since I started watching these movies I have never thought to myself that I would ever use the knowledge I got from these movies… Dont worry, I did not rob a bank… But the plot is about to thicken… As in get padded!

My office is in Spring Valley… You might already know that its ‘rich man’s land’ A region where you pay 50,000 rent for an SQ is not for sofaras… By sofaras I mean you and I! Stop giving me that look like you can afford it! You cant!

We have a shopping centre… Total petrol station… A few shops, a chemist, the total store… an Equty ATM and a coffe house called Kahawa that sells a cup of coffee for 300! or some impossible value like that…

we have 3 Mpesa places… a random Mpesa stall between the Indian supermarket and the butchery… And inside the drug store… and one next to the ATM!

I hope you are paying attention to the details… It is very important for you to do so or you will not understand shit later on…

The random stall has a Kamba woman manning it… she is in her early 20s and bares a mustache. She smiles at every man and shows signs of ‘ASK ME AND I WILL SAY YES!’

The mpesa in the drug store is manned by a very rude unattractive Kikuyu woman who wears half moon glasses and a Benylyn lab coat. She looks like she has a degree… Her attitude is way above sea level! She is curt and does not wear a bra… her nipples are always sticking out of her lab coat… Not that I was looking… This means she is also trying to get someone who can see beyond her attitude… Even the bad ones need someone!

The 3rd Mpesa place is manned by an Indian lady… She is young! Very young… She barely has boobs but she is extremely beautiful… She works with her mum… She is nothing beyond 25 years… She doesnt look like she drinks and most of the time can pass for very focused! I have seen her once! She wasnt looking focused!

Now you have the blue print… Lets tackle the elephant in the room which is your uncertainity to what I am talking about…

I had an emergency and had to send someone money by Mpesa…

I don’t have an ID! Transacting without an ID is almost impossible…

AND NOW: THE ITALIAN JOB!

I have not had my ID for about 3 years now and I was sure this was going to come up at some point of my life… So I studied these three women in length… No Doris, I didn’t follow them home! I made sure I bought all my airtime from them to create some trust… I laughed with them and let them scratch my… my airtime for me 😀

I needed to deposit 20,000 without and ID… If it was you, who would you have gone for?

Here is who I went for… And how I went for it…

The Indian was the 1st one I crossed out. SHe consults her mother on issues she doesn’t fathom… Like if you don’t have and ID, she will ask her mom if its ok to take a photocopy of it… This joint meant dealing with two Indian women which is a bit tricky for a black man of my stature! She was out…

The Kikuyu at the drug store was a good shot… The rudest women are the easiest to take down… TRUST ME!!! The ones who will look at you from your head down are the ones who will sleep with you on the first date… All you have to do is show her that she can be broken!!

Before I go on, please look at these 3 women as 3 bank tellers in a bank and there’s a robbery about to take place… And I am well, Idris Elba! 

The naive Mkamba is an easy target… But always asks for your ID… She doesn’t bring sex into her business… It’s the easy targets that shock you… I was not ready for shock… It was a one time job… One BIG job…

I fix my collar and make my jacket…. then walk into the drug store…

(have you notice I have been using DRUG STORE?? haha! I think its funny)

Theres a fat Kikuyu man being served… I can tell he is Kikuyu because he has on a gold crucifix and has the three top buttons of his shirt un-buttoned his collar was out of his jacket… resting on the lapel! You know what I am talking about…

He didn’t have his ID and he wanted to withdraw 400 bob… The woman showed him the door… I panicked and followed him out before I was served….

I had to go back into the office to re think my plan… I went through all the facts one more time… took a glass of water and went out to execute THE BIGGEST MPESA TRANSACTION IN MY LIFE 😀

I was back in 5 minutes having deposited  the money without breaking a sweat…

I know you are wondering who I went for…

LISTEN…

“for a bank job to work, go for the oldest teller… Tell her she is beautiful..” Idris on Takers

I went for the Indians mother and told her she was looking amazing and so jealous about her husband… I flirted with her for a few minutes then ordered her daughter to deposit the money while the 50 old woman was still riding on my lies…

And that is the end of this robbery…

P.S – the quote I just gave from Takers by Idris Elba is non existent, That pause just needed a quote…

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12 Comments

Posted by on March 21, 2012 in random, women tales

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

12 responses to “ITALIAN JOB

  1. Kimani (@Pushkim)

    March 21, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    Haha, uko na ufala mob sana. Gotten my afternoon laugh dose.

     
  2. mmnjug

    March 21, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    I guess the Drug Store lady would have looked at you via the top of her glasses rims if they aren’t the gigantic ones! Hahaha!!

     
  3. optimusthe1

    March 21, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    Nice one….suspense & all….

     
    • mydeardoris

      March 22, 2012 at 8:54 am

      thank you Optimusthe1… Na appreciate sana.

       
  4. tkimani

    March 21, 2012 at 7:20 pm

    The suspense was siiiiick man! I thought you were going to turn start a timer and rob the 3 Mpesa-i(I think that should be plural, no?). . . in record time! Can’t believe you fooled us on the quote though.Grrrr . .

     
    • mydeardoris

      March 22, 2012 at 8:54 am

      Hhahaha… I didnt fool you… If you look at it critically, I am playing Idris on this post… And its my quote! haha! Thank you for reading @tkimani

       
  5. sirjohn

    March 22, 2012 at 4:53 am

    did u mean the second mpesa or second woman….or its a style of writing….i like the confusion..umma use it too

     
    • mydeardoris

      March 22, 2012 at 8:55 am

      thats how I write… the whole point was confusion and suspense.

       
  6. RaisingKamau

    March 22, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    You have the ability to make a ready TRULY picture the moment. Your words are no longer just words, but a series of events playing before the reader’s eyes. This makes your posts absolutely intriguing. Glad I stumbled upon your blog!

     
  7. RaisingKamau

    March 22, 2012 at 2:22 pm

    You have the ability to make a reader TRULY picture the moment. Your words are no longer just words, but a series of events playing before the reader’s eyes. This makes your posts absolutely intriguing. Glad I stumbled upon your blog!

    I meant *reader* 🙂

     
  8. D.od

    March 22, 2012 at 10:43 pm

    those who say flattery will get you nowhere… were clearly wrong, lol.. it got you a free pass and a potential sugar mummy at that, pap! lol

     

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