Since I left you, I have been constantly depressed. My happiness is to be near you. Incessantly I live over in my memory your caresses, your tears, your affectionate solicitude. The charms of the incomparable Doris* kindle continually a burning and a glowing flame in my heart. When, free from all solicitude, all harassing care, shall I be able to pass all my time with you, having only to love you, and to think only of the happiness of so saying, and of proving it to you?
My tummy is hurting so bad as I write this… I have had a tummy ache from yesterday! But that is not my story… Even-though its a letter on its own! The drama!
I will be fast! I am not known to lie to you Doris, but please allow me to contort a few parts of this letter to the identity and feelings of those who are involved. I will be using big words today because I woke up feeling a little extra intelligent today!
My exemplum shaggy dog story inaugurates at the gate of our Kileleshwa home! Let me annotate.
My brother normally uses the Nissan Patrol and I the Toyota Fortuner. This is why: My brother is a better risk taker! The Patrol does not have insurance! The sticker on the wind shield boldly discerns that it had expired some day in April last year or the year before… I am not sure! I am blind! Lets move! You already know that my DL was revoked many years ago because I had it at 16… I just got a new one last Monday! If was to have an accident in that car I would do life in Kodiaga!
I feel like this story is stretching far more than it should… So ill just jump into the action.
I am driving down Jamhuri EState. The car suddenly comes to a halt… It couldn’t have been fuel because I had just put 700 worth of it… I try restarting it numerous time with no eminence whatsoever! Did I mention I was using the Patrol?! yeah!
I am sitting in this car alone in the dark… Trying to figure out a way out of this.
A group of 4 men walk towards the car… My heart at this point is flagellating dangerously… I fear for a heart attack! One of them runs his finger on the body of the car… at this point, I am a blink close to shiting my pants!
“we boy, tukusaidiaje?” one of them utters in conjectural speech… Clearly drunk!
Its like I am sitting on ice… My heart had for sometime now stopped beating… It had totally lost its myogenic capabilities! I was riding on a prayer!
They hover around for a bit and leave…
I get back to trying to start the car! NOTHING!
I call my cousin Gideon! He tells me he is on his way…
A man then comes to my window and without saying hello…
“hapa hautatoboa dakika tano kabla kuibiwa…” he says
My windows are rolled up… I am looking at him stupefied by his statement!
“Nataka kukusaida…” he adds before I said a word!
I am still astonished by this randomness… NO ONE HELPS YOU IN NAIROBI!!! WHAT DID THIS MAN WANT! I deduce he is a thug and call Gideon to hurry up! Please note that my Blackberry is dying!
“Toka kwa gari tuiskumehadi shopping centre hapo mbele. Hapa ni hatari sana!” This man wouldn’t shut the f*ck up! Plus he wanted me out of the car! NOT HAPPENING SIR!
“Najua hauniamini ndugu yangu! Mimi nataka tu kukusaidia! Kama hauniamini, we kaa ndani ntakuskuma pekee yangu! Weka free!” He says and goes to the back… I do as he says!
If you know a Nissan Patrol, you already know how big and heavy this machine is! It weighs like 7,000,000 tonnes! He starts pushing! I call Gideon again!
I can hear him panting at the back! I almost felt sorry for him… BUT THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS COMING OUT OF THAT CAR!
He pushes for almost 200 metres and stops to rest! I was feeling terrible inside… I really wanted to help him help me but in my city, Nairobi, you can’t trust even an angel!
He pushes again for a short while then stops again! At this point I can see the shopping centre he was talking about! I couldnt see it before… I say a short quick prayer and I come out of the car to help! THAT CAR IS SO HEAVY I THINK I FARTED ONCE OR TWICE PUSHING!
We get to the shopping centre and I park the car!
I knew he wanted money so for the hard work, I hand him 500 bob!
The man refuses to take it!! WHO WAS THIS MAN!!!!
“Asante lakini sitachukuwa pesa yako! Usalama wako ni malipo ya kutosha!” he says
WHO THE HELL WAS THIS MAN!!!
He sits on the curb next to the car. I insist he takes the money as my gratitude! It took a long while before he took it! He genuinely didn’t want the money! We talk about random things!
‘marafiki zako wako karibu?” he asks.
“Ndio” I reply
“haiya basi nitakaa na wewe hadi wafike alafu niende zangu!”
WHO THE HELL WAS THISS MAN!!!!?
Gideon and Leon arrive in 10 minutes and the guy says, “Nakutarajia mema!” and walks away! His name is Chris and he is a City Hopper conductor!
Gideon, Leon and I push the car to a safe place and leave.
We go to Mercury where I have a bottle of soda before I go home…
I have his number and felt the need to say thank you again. I text, “Anasnte sana kwa kunisaidia.”
“Thankx also God bless U.” he replied!
The first paragraph of this letter is derived from Napoleon’s letter to his ex-wife Josephine. I have changed names though. The ruthless French leader had a sweet side for his wife Josephine. Although he divorced her when she could not have children, he continued to write to her. A few days after they were married, Napoleon left to command the French army near Italy. In the following months, he frequently wrote, expressing how much he missed her. He wrote the following on July 17, 1796: