My undying love for you is obvious and evident. How are you my love? I have just got a call from some weird number that a man walked out of your house this morning… Baby, what is going on?
I have a lot of stories today, thats why I have written to you twice today.
This post might sound tribalistic but please be advised that that is not the case! If there is something you disagree with please let me know! This letter is about random things I have noticed SOME Kikuyu men do.
I am a Luo man!
The Kikuyu man:
(**please be advised that not all Kikiyu men behave like this**)
1. The gold* chain!
Gold chains are classy and in many cases a sign of wealth!
The Kikuyu man: Please be advised that the brown chain you wear round you neck is an eye sore! If you insist that you have to have something around your neck, and you insist you have to use minimal funds, try a gold plated chain… I dont wear gold chains, so I might be wrong on this one…
2. The Mary Mother of Jesus Pendant!
Ok here I am going to graze the hearts of two vast communities; the Kikuyu man and those who wear these pendants!
I am a staunch christian and will not hate on other religions! But surely, that blue pendant does not go well with your already unpleasant brown chain! But you do your thing!
3. The un buttoned shirt!
Dear Kikuyu man, Its sometimes very classy to unbutton your shirt! By unbutton i mean the top button… My friend sasa ukitoanisha vifunguo tano utasaidiwaja jameniiii! Your whole unhealthy hairy chest cavity faces the world! Si hata wewe unaona sasa? Which leads me to my next point…
4. Your health
Rick Ross passes for showing off his unhealthy physique because of his money and spending it…
The kikuyu man; I KNOWWWWW you have money, probably more than us Luos. Ukikataa gym, wear something nice to cover that mess up… Then again, what do I know!
5. Your shirt collar outside your jacket!
I have noticed you dont like wearing ties! Is it just me? I am not saying you start now!
With your un buttoned shirt, you lay your wild shirt collar on your jacket giving the public plain view of the dirt on the lining of your collar! Plus it looks terrible! Always have your shirt collar inside your jacket! OR WEAR A TIE!
6′ The phone pouch strapped to your belt!
Ok even my dad does this! I DO NOT APPROVE! It was cool at some point, if you use original products, it might still pass… But those maasai phone pouches dont work! Ai! Hapana! You look like you are walking around with a dagger!
7. Your ringtone
Sir, why do you go for the worst ringtone on your phone system!?! Simple trick, use the phones default ringtone. It might not be melodious to the hearing organs but it might pass… Like if you have a nokia, use the turururu turururu turururu ruuuu tone! it’s a classic.
8. Your smokey hands
Ok I don’t know where you get these from!
9. The suit that does not fit.
Ok, listen very carefully, if you got out to buy a suit… Tell the guy selling the suit that you need a suit that fits… Not just a suit! It’s important to know your size!
10. The tag on the sleeves of your suit!
You’d be committing a massive faux pas by leaving it on!
Ok I researched about this particular one before I included it because I thought I might be wrong. Turns out I am right! REMOVE THE F*CK*N TAG BEFORE YOU WEAR THE SUIT MAN!!!! You will not believe this but according to my reasearch, its only cheap suits with the sleeve tag…. This is why: Cheap suits flock the racks and the sellers use the sleeve tags to browse! They are for the seller to identify the suit; si yako kufloss nayo!
I am done!
I am tired so I will teach you how to kill a mosquito on Monday!