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HOW TO KILL A MOSQUITO!

26 Mar

Dear Doris,

I have waited patiently for one whole day without news of you; I have been counting the time and that’s what it must be. But a second day I can see no reason for it, unless my servants have grown lazy or been captured by the enemy, for I dare not put the blame on you, my beautiful angel: I am too confident of your affection–which is certainly due to me, for my love was never greater, nor my desire more urgent; that s why I repeat this refrain in all my letters: come, come, come, my dear love.

I miss you my love. The problems we have had in the past have made the distance between us unbelievably longer! I long for your touch Doris… I long for the smell of your hair… I long for us!

Love nini nini!

I promised to teach you how to KILL A MOSQUITO on this post! I am going to do exactly that! You will learn a lot here! Please pay attention… Class is in session!

Before I teach you how to kill a mosquito, i will teach you about what a mosquito is! You have to learn about what you want to kill before you go killing it… I can see the look on your face… It’s like you know what a mosquito is… Well my love, a mosquito is beyond the six-legged buzzing pest!

Lets see:

Did you know mosquitoes are the deadliest animals on earth!!? I could go on and explain how but this wasnt a Biology lesson!

Another thing is that only female mosquitoes bite… So fear not, only half of those buzzing idiots will actually bite you… The male mosquito feeds on nectar… The female needs your blood to reproduce… It’s just trying to have a family which makes me feel terrible for killing all those mosquitoes in my ‘mosquito obituary!’

Mosquitoes are among the slowest flying insects… Imagine if it was one of the fastest… We would all be diarrhearing from malaria! So thank your god for that small fact!

Ok this next bit is extremely cool: Mosquito mates synchronize their wing beats to perform a lover’s duet. As in sometimes when you hear that buzz, it might be two mosquitoes completely head over heels over each other!! You kill them and they were not even going to bite you!! SAD! Meaning so many mosquitoes die because of falling in love!Thats what you call a dangerous love affair!

This is the funniest bit of them all: Mosquitoes can detect carbon dioxide from 75 feet away. Carbon dioxide, which humans produce, is the key signal to mosquitoes that a potential blood meal is near. They’ve developed a keen sensitivity to CO2 in the air. Once a female senses CO2 in the vicinity, she flies back and forth through the CO2 plume until she locates her victim. As in the more you fart the more you get bitten! So be aware of those people who keep on complaining about mosquito bites… THOSE NIGGAS KEEP FARTING!!! So next time you are bitten… Shut up!

That link up there will show you HOW TO MAKE SURE YOU GET MOSQUITO BITES! You will learn really cool stuff… Thing is the dirtier you are the more you are bitten!
NOW: HOW TO KILL THESE MOTHAFISHES!
This is the most important part: Here is what your Biology teacher forgot to tell you! Forget about sijui cutting grass and getting rid of stagnant water and all that bullshit that will not work!
1. THE TOWEL!
Buy an extra towel! Not for the bathroom but for hitting these buzzers! A towel is heavy and will cover a massive surface area! You will always get your target!
Note: Watch the light bulb. Dont get too excited now!
2. THE INSECTICIDE
Do not buy any that has that ‘odorless’ bullshit written on it… Not even mosquitoes can smell that shit! It will make them dizzy and they will fall on the ground only to get back right UP!!! An example is that ‘Louise the Pest’ guy! That mosquito is in all the Doom ads AND THEY EXPECT US TO BELIEVE THAT SHH* IS SUPPOSED TO WORK!!!
There is also that thing you plug on the wall… Another joke! Next time you go shopping, buy the one with the worst smell… I suggest RAid or Ridsect! Or if you can live through it THE MOSQUITO COIL!! That coil will even kill you if you are not careful!
3. TIME TO DIE!
These insects are exactly like vampires! If wounded, they will bite you to live… For example if you spray the whole place with insecticide, they will fall on the ground or bed or wherever…. but if they find you, they will feed on you and fly away for backup!!! The secret is simple… Spray the room and leave for about two hours… You will find war victims on the floor! So plan your time well!
4. THE DIVERSION!
This will not kill them but it will immensely reduce the number to kill! Always make sure all the doors and windows to everyone elses room is open except yours! This will lead all the mosquitos right to them and forget you… This is a bit evil… but then again, this world is only for the strong-willed!
5. THE FART
Do not fuckin’ fart!
and lastly
6. AN OPEN MIND
I am lying I don’t know a sixth way to kill mosquitoes… I just felt like using, ‘HAVE AN OPEN MIND’ and now I have used it twice!!! 😉
Have yourself a mosquito-less night my love!
The first paragraph of this letter was written by King Henry IV of France (1553-1610) to Gabrielle d’Estr from the battle field. Read more here
Thank you http://insects.about.com/od/flies/a/10-facts-about-mosquitoes.htm for helping me out with this one!
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11 Comments

Posted by on March 26, 2012 in comedy

 

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11 responses to “HOW TO KILL A MOSQUITO!

  1. Njeri Wamarite

    March 26, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    il try the diversion,definately works for me…

     
  2. mmnjug

    March 27, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Hahahaha!! Farting? smh!!

     
  3. savvykenya

    March 27, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    Human beings breathe out CO2. They do not fart CO2 but a mixture of nasty gases that can kill mosquitoes. Clearly, someone didn’t pay attention to Biology classes 🙂

     
    • mydeardoris

      March 27, 2012 at 4:07 pm

      (wikipedia) Nitrogen, the main constituent of air, is the primary gas released during flatulence, along with carbon dioxide.

      You are the one who wasnt paying attention :p

       
  4. Baru

    March 30, 2012 at 7:50 am

    i thought it was hydrogen sulphide?

     
    • mydeardoris

      March 30, 2012 at 9:17 am

      what are you talking about Baru?

       
      • Baru

        March 30, 2012 at 10:45 am

        the rotten egg smelling gas!

         
      • Baru

        March 30, 2012 at 10:52 am

        go to http://www.heptune.com/farts.html and read the ‘at what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart’ hahaha

         
      • mydeardoris

        March 30, 2012 at 12:10 pm

        Edwin you realise you are a mad man! HAHAHA!

         
  5. Aria

    April 8, 2012 at 10:04 pm

    A dangerous love affair….Hilarious!!

     

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