29 Mar

My lovely,

How have you been today sweetie? I hope you have been beautiful… I know you have been beautiful… Your beauty is that one which does not age… Nor wrinkle… Nor fade… God worked over lunch break on you… Your hair… Your eyes… Your lips… Your neck… Your whole frame is no less the very frame of the goddess of beauty…
I am writing this on my phone so it might have very weird mistakes… But i am thinking to myself, not writing at all is a worse crime.

I know i have readers world wide and some of you might not understand fully some of the local terms i use… Like for example, my title! Kufa gari kufa dereva, in short just means FUCK IT!

You all know that very trying moment when you foot just give two spurts of piss! That moment when you know the outcome of the whole ordeal Will not kill you! Ladies and gentlemen, its this point when a man might commit suicide… Ok maybe I am exergerating!

Let me explain….

The following takes place between 6pm and 7pm

You all have suffered from diarhea right… By the way please be advised that from here onwards I will use veryimpolite words like shit and rectum and anus… I suggest you stop reading at this point if you are easily disgusted!

I leave the office at about 6 with a stomach ache from satan himself… You know that really bad tummy ache that you would easily mistake for due pregnancy? Not that I know how that feels… I just know its excruciating! The only difference between pregnancies and tummy aches is; in a pregnancy situation, you are fighting to push the child out while in a tummy ache you are fighting to keep whatever wants to come out in!!!

Stomach aches are funny… They know how to make you suffer!

I had planned to go to a public toilet when I got to town just to be on the safe side…. YES IT WAS THAT BAD! But when I got to town, the ache had gone! As in I couldnt feel it at all… If you have suffered survere tummy aches you kniow that this was a trick!

I get into a matatu home hoping I will get home and ‘UNLOAD’ this burden!

The matatu is moving at snail pace… Its only the day my behind is ripping apart that the matatu driver decides not to be in a hurry! WTF!

At this point the diarhea has notice a change in my emotions and is on its way back! I can feel things like tiny bubbles inside me… Thats when you know shit just got serious!!! Those bubbles are just reminders that the situation is no longer in your hands…

Do you know the really liquid diarrhea that you CANT CONTROL??! Yeah….From your facial expression I can tell you know it too well…

then the traffic!!! there is never traffic… but tables were turning on me…

we were at University way… The place was like a parking lot… Cars were not moving!!!

At this point I can barely hold the ‘situation’ in… IT WAS GOING TO RIP!!

I am sweating and flapping my legs chanting the same short prayer over and over again!! “Please God let me just reach home!” God was not listening because that baby was at the edge of my behind!

Its at this point that all your actions count… you mess up and you will shit your pants! You have to check on the way you breath… the way you move…. the way you blink…. even the way you think!

traffic was moving now THANK GOD!

Then at CHiromo a cop stops the matatu!! NEVER BEFORE has a cop stopped a matatu I was in to Kileleshwa! NEVER!  I had no idea what this motha*R was doing there! After getting  his bribe we snail away!

At this point I could feel it coming out…

only 5 more minutes Ian!!! Only 5 more minutes…” I console myself! The leg flapping has now become violent… The sweating is on overdrive… My body was shutting down… That shit wanted to come out!

My life flashed before my eyes every time the matatu hit a pot-hole or a bump…

We get to the Shell petrol station and the stupid driver decides to gas up…I THINK THIS DRIVER WAS OUT TO GET ME!

I cant sit still… The woman sitting next to me is getting pissed! I yank my earphones from my ears ( i was listening to Motzart to calm me down)!

I hurrendly jump out of the matatu as it  gases up… I am pacing all over the place… I am now a show… Everyone is looking at me!

I remove my phone and call  my brother… I quote.

“Yo Pazi, I am going to shit my pants!!! COme get me from shell NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!’ he laughs… WHAT THE HELL!

He says he is on his way…

I ask one of the attendants to show me where the loo is… He sends me to another attendant who has the keys who then expalins how I have to be a customer to use the bathroom…

I call my brother…

“I am shitting my pants… I cant hold it anymore…” And honestly I had given up… MY muscles were tired and holdin that shit in was tearing my soul apart…

I closed my eyes… I had done my best… But even heroes fall…


I let go of my muscles slowly… THE BUBBLES!

But just before ‘it’ tore out… a bunch of keys hit my chest…

“Na usichafue!” the attendant said!

I ran to the toilet with the speed of the devil…

And there… my peace I found… I think I was in there for more than an hour!


Posted by on March 29, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, near death


Tags: , , , , ,

18 responses to “KUFA GARI KUFA DEREVA

  1. proboxsucceed

    March 30, 2012 at 8:43 am

    Courage ni kujaribu kushuta na una diarrhea

  2. KEN

    March 30, 2012 at 12:05 pm

    haha ha i feel you PAIIIN

  3. joy

    March 30, 2012 at 12:53 pm

    hahaha…i feel you Ian. i once encountered this while traveling back to school. it was hell with Capital H!

  4. mmnjug

    March 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

    I’m tempted to laugh…………….but because I have been there….. I will not! You know you can’t even jump a ditch in such a situation……………!!

  5. tkimani

    March 30, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    Great piece. How you can turn a story about diarrhea into literature this funny is just remarkable stuff! Did your brother come through btw? I hope he’s a patient bloke!

  6. Linda

    March 30, 2012 at 2:42 pm


    Goodness Ian, sorry for laughing but eiy……. you tell a shitty story in the most hilarious way!!

    iyiino dwaro lamo…

  7. Linda

    March 30, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    ..and that pic is a real fai….eyshhh..

  8. Jay

    March 30, 2012 at 3:59 pm

    Listenin to mozart durin crisis..funny.Enjoyed the hilarity on the piece n i can relate.

  9. RogueBoy

    March 30, 2012 at 6:01 pm


  10. jacquew

    April 2, 2012 at 11:47 am

    I have never laughed so hard…!…did your brother finally come :)……*wipping tears from my eyes*

  11. big beast

    April 27, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    … then u felt relieve n ur eyes started tearing……. sasa, i kno how those ones comes out, did u chafuad the loo

  12. Abba (@Abbakidenda)

    June 14, 2012 at 8:12 pm


  13. Adell

    June 15, 2012 at 1:57 pm

    GFF! My boss is sitting strategically infront of me!!!! Aki woi I have laughed so hard!!

    • mydeardoris

      June 22, 2012 at 5:41 pm

      Do not lose your job… Not yet 😀

  14. minitheshygal

    August 8, 2012 at 3:57 pm


  15. Scottie Amos

    April 4, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Stomach aches are one of those stomach disorders which are very frequent. It is very often that we hear people complaining of stomach aches. The abdominal crater involves several organs such as the appendix, liver, pancreas and the intestines along with an assortment of ducts and muscles. A disorder in any of these organs could be the cause of your stomach ache every time you experience it.-

    Most up-to-date write-up on our online site

  16. juls

    February 1, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    I love this piece

  17. stella22

    February 12, 2014 at 10:36 am

    I have laughed my jaws off-because I have been in the exact same situation before!!! “holdin that shit in was tearing my soul apart…”- longest mat ride ever.


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