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KINYOZI YA STIMA

03 Apr

Dear Doris,

Babe, you know when you wake up in the morning to the sunrise? And the golden rays hit your face with the gentleness of the feathers from an angel’s wing… That feeling you just cant explain but it’s so evident  that it is where your happiness lies… That feeling I have every-time I think about you… There’s is not a single doubt in my heart that you are the one for me Doris… Men lie… I know… And it will be hard for you to trust my words… All I ask for you is to try to find that bit in your heart that knows I mean what I say!

I would like to believe the tough times we have been through has moulded whatever little we might have left. But you be sure that I will not let go of that little we have… My heart will not allow it… Neither will my soul.

Yesterday someone asked me if you are ever coming back… I said think so but from the bottom of my heart I really did not know the answer to that question…

I would catch a grenade for you! HA!

Ok lets put the emotions aside first!

I go to the barber every week… There’s something hair does to me… I start feeling stupid… Does that happen to you? Ok I am talking to the men because women have a thing for long hair… If you were to be put in my shoes with all that hair, you wouldn’t be able to control the dripping saliva from your mouth… with all the weaves and braids… and… and wigs!!! NGAI!

Moving on… So I make sure I see my barbers every week…

I get my hair done somewhere along Chaka Road at a place called Scissors (typical huh) But it has the best barbers in town… And the process is, well, A PROCESS! I will explain a bit later!

I remember when I was a kid, I would walk into this kibanda (filled with human hair till the ankle) and find this cripple with a manual shaving machine and a tiny mirror with multiple coloured combs and a hairstyle that he probably did by himself…! It was basic… This man would massacre your hair in the process pinch your head and ears countless times… He would then un-skilfully splatter methylated spirit all over your head (THAT HURT LIKE FYAK) then sprayed water on it to cool it down… That was the best part… You wouldn’t see him in a month! If you have noticed, its a 3 tier process = MASSACRE -> SPIRIT -> WATER SPRAY (see also COOLANT). I paid 5 bob for this.

It was a painful affair but I liked it… Just like salons, barber shops are where men gossip or just talk dirty… I think I learnt what sex is at a barber shop :/

Now Let me explain what you go through at Scissors……

Unlike the kibanda above, Scissors has 4 or 5 rooms. There is the main barber square with high-end seats and mirrors all round. Clean barbers who have both legs and a probable Diploma from hair dressing school! There’s even an accountant/secretary and no less than a staff of 12 men and women! The kibanda above has ONE NIGGA! Let me take you through the rooms!

Room 1 – Barber Square –  Here 2 to 3 barbers are shaving hairs at the same time.

Room 2 – Head Wash – Here two women scrub your hair with warm water and high end shampoos.

Room 3 – Massage – Here Also a few women play with your head and neck and chest… I have never known the   relevance of this particular part of the process.

This barber also has a 3 tier process = THE HAIR CUT -> THE WASH -> THE MOLESTING (see also massage) You will pay 300 for this!

But this is not my story…

Such A Bad Barber by In Due Time

My story is about my 2nd barber. His falls right at the centre of the two barbers I have mentioned above!

His name is Edu… He is on the 3rd floor of Sun Beam. He is my best one… Here is why!

I have my art studio at Sun Beam on 3rd Floor! Same floor as Edu! This makes things extremely easy for me…

Edu is not the cleanest barber I have ever met… In fact he is more dirty than clean. I have to make him wash his hands and all his equipment every time I go there. He has that UV thing to sterilize his shaving machines and combs but I have never for once see it work… He says he leaves it on overnight… I don’t trust him one bit!!

He is Luo so we have a lot to talk about… No wait… We talk about the same thing over and over again… How the current president rigged the elections… He has a small radio that always plays Luo jams… That is by far the best part! Oh and he too has both feet…

Lets speed this up a little bit…

Edu does an excellent job. He has a heavy stammer so his stories are way funnier than they really are. Sometimes his stammer gets to him until he throws his comb against the wall… I crack up!

Edu’s barbershop is called Kinyozi Ya Stima… Hahaha!

Unlike the other two, he boasts 4 tiers! Brace yourself!

Tier 1 – The normal haircut of which he executes perfectly. I am confident to say he is the best one I have ever been at!

Tier 2 – Head was – A young lady sees through this process! Please be advised that it is Head Was and not wash! He has a bucket that he has pimped up to be one huge water heater! The water is so hot it will easily wash your skin off! He says it’s to kill dandruff! Isn’t dandruff dead stuff already!? He uses cheap shampoo… You can’t even smell it… He has a bar of soap in case of emergencies!

Tier 3 – I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS – You are wiped all over using a steaming face towel… That piece of towel is so hot that I run out of breath every time it touches my head! He explains that is to open the pores in your skin… I DONT TRUST HIM!

Tier 4 – FACIAL –  I have explained this process in one of my letters… But for the sake of the lazy ones who will not go into the archives and look for it, I will explain…

A woman past her middle ages makes you sit on a seat that would be easily mistaken for an electric chair!

She has a toilet bag that bares her tools… She looks ready to tear my face open… She puts all kinds of crèmes and lotions on your face and lets you marinate for like 5 minutes as she catches the last minutes of Tahidi High or Inspector Mwala or Beba Beba… or any of those shows which you already know!

She comes back with the vengeance of a castrated buck! She does not say a word…

I have been through this process once my whole life… That is about the most number of times you can withstand that pain! She applies some crème around your eyes that will not let you open them… It has extreme amounts of menthol! When you get of that seat, your face is gleaming like you just had sex for the first time…

The whole process costs 100 bob.

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9 Comments

Posted by on April 3, 2012 in comedy, near death

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

9 responses to “KINYOZI YA STIMA

  1. savvykenya

    April 3, 2012 at 5:20 pm

    Truly an electric kinyozi!

     
  2. mmnjug

    April 3, 2012 at 6:11 pm

    Hahahaha!! There is something about those 100/- bob barbers……not the cleanest but you keep going back to them every time you need a shave….oh…and most probably, you both have each others cellphone numbers…………….for those ‘appointments’

     
  3. tkimani

    April 4, 2012 at 10:09 pm

    S/o to all those reasonably priced ‘vinyozi wa stima’ who haven’t passed on the burden of inflation to us the common soFaras. Your post triggered a memory of an incidence I once went through. Check it out on my page

     
  4. malaki

    April 5, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Dear Doris,
    Your husband has gone mad STOP come home Urgently STOP

     
    • mydeardoris

      April 5, 2012 at 4:35 pm

      hahahaah STOP malaki looks like you need help too STOP

       
  5. Cesky Cess

    April 30, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    That was the most hilarious thing I’ve read today. lol

     
  6. simon gaitho kamau

    April 8, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    i realy like the part of kinyozi ya stima, cream n lotion on face. keep it up doris… u have made my day. am also a barber

     
  7. simon gaitho kamau

    April 8, 2014 at 3:32 pm

    i realy like the part of kinyozi ya stima, cream n lotion on face. keep it up doris… u have made my day. am also a barber @ nakuru

     

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