04 May

Dear Doris,

I do love nothing in the world so well as you! I know my love, that life has never been easy for the two of us… I still don’t understand why it’s so hard for us yet we love each other so much… Sometimes I can even hear the hate for me in your voice… But I ignore it, because I know love conquers all. I know its in loving someone like you that one can truly feel life is really worth it. You are worth every second and breath of me. I pray we spend the rest of our lives together… In love, in hate, in doubt… If we are to disagree during the day… I want to be the one to hold you during the night… I want to be there when you laugh… I want to be the one who has no idea what to do when you cry… I want to be there for you… SO please stop being cruel already!


I have noticed with great concern that all my recent letters are about matatus or something related to the topic… I am sorry if it is getting monotonous! But put yourself in my position… It’s always raining… I spend my day at the office and my nights, like normal human beings, in bed! I only have a small crack in between the two variables… When the rain stops maybe I will write you a letter about… about… mm… I have no clue whatsoever!

This is yet another one about a matatu!! Or rather, what went down in the matatu…


Nairobi is a wet mess… [no matter how you read that it will end up in sex] Its raining most of the day and raining hard [another one of those sentences that you have to be careful on which word you stress]

Lets swiftly move on…

This is the perfect weather for making babies… or just the perfect weather for trying to make babies without actually wanting to have a baby… I would like to term it as the excellent  conditions for occupying vagistan! This weather makes you  do things… And it’s completely understandable… No one wants to be alone at this time of year… It is just depressing!

You must be asking yourself how this will relate to a matatu… The shocking thing is that it does… In ways you would not imagine!

I am on a matatu from town to Kileleshwa…. I fought so hard to get onto it in the rain. My trench coat is dripping wet. I got the best seat… The co-driver’s seat [refer to my ‘Where to Sit’ post.]  Between me and the driver is a woman… Evidently in her 30’s. Her face had started showing the QUESTION ‘what have I done with my life?’ You know that face? All 35+year olds in a matatu ask themselves the same thing… I can’t explain it better than that.

She is wearing a blue dress made out of t-shirt material! I don’t know if you know those dresses women wear. Its revealing but you still can’t see sh*t! It’s easily flows to her ankles! She has been rained on so you can see her underwear! It was so clear you could see the tiny white bow between her Double C cups! It was clear she had no kids… The two niggers pointed straight at the windshield! I couldn’t stop looking!

She was pretty and extremely above what she is about to do…

She took a book out her bag and flipped to the page with the book mark. She is reading Gracefully Insane by Alex Beam! An excellent book! So she is literate! She is reading quite fast considering it was already dark [unless she was just looking blankly at the pages!] She reads faster than me… And I read fast!

The traffic is tight and I am falling asleep… I am always asleep if I am not reading people’s texts!

It worries me that this post is getting long before I get into the main story! :/

I was woken up by a faint moan… I was certain it was not from my dream… It was too INSIDE THE MATATU!

I look at the woman seated next to me. She is not reading the book anymore! If anything, she has completely lost interest in it! I could tell because her book mark was on the floor and the book was placed carelessly on the dashboard! SHe had her mind completely on something else…

Her dress that’s long to the ankle is now  suspended dangerously above her knees! Its like she was scratching her thighs… Which is pretty close to what was going on!


Her hand bag, a huge brown leather handbag, was on her lap. Her left leg was weirdly placed; it was actually on the driver’s space!

I had not noticed the driver was driving with one hand… Ok, maybe I had, but it had not hit me where his other hand was! It all made sense when a trailer swerved past us so dangerously close that the driver had to use both hands…

From under her dress… tossing the handbag leaving me with my answers…

The funny part was the moan the woman let out when the man removed his hand from under her dress… She had to let it out but didn’t want it to come out… Sounded like Donald Duck!

We got off at the same place… She walked slowly, stopping completely a few times! I was walking pretty slow myself just to make her uncomfortable…

Like the saying goes, “Ever since dying came into fashion, life hasn’t been safe.”

Note: I like that some of you are still waiting for me to say exactly what was happening 😀

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Posted by on May 4, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, random, sex, women tales


Tags: , , , , , , ,


  1. natb

    May 4, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    Eti ‘The two niggers pointed straight at the windshield! I couldn’t stop looking!’… You cracking me up bro. When i grow up i wanna use the matatus that you use.

  2. tkimani

    May 4, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    Forget the book. I think a reality show will capture a much bigger audience, and more importantly, reveal to us those details that give you so much joy in concealing :-p

  3. optimusthe1

    May 4, 2012 at 3:35 pm

    Eti vagistan…..dude, you so crazy! Am still waiting for you to tell us what was happening 😉

  4. mmnjug

    May 4, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    How dare you cut the story short? Uuurgh!! Good one nevertheless……………!!

  5. D.od

    May 4, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    never pandaing a kile mat… ever. lol

  6. ViValdi

    May 4, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Don’t blame the driver…he’s hand must have slipped into her vagistan by mistake while shifting gears! You know how tight that seat can get!! Haha!!

  7. Juma

    May 4, 2012 at 8:29 pm

    Captivates……keeping the story flowing……then leaving a huge suspense, the gaps to be filled by Satan himself……..

  8. KwasiJon

    May 4, 2012 at 9:04 pm

    Oh lawd!! Was in a similar situation once, in a buru mat observing the shenanigans of the conductor & a female passenger!

  9. Owaahh

    May 5, 2012 at 6:32 am

    Gracefully Insane, as it were…

  10. OTIENO B.C.

    May 7, 2012 at 11:27 am

    Those Kile mats that you panda inakaa ni setting for serious drama..a movie right there. Or maybe its just you who has a “gift” of geeting into the insane ones haaaa haaaa

  11. jacquew

    May 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    LOL….hillarious! Please keep on using matatus!

  12. Bizstler

    May 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    wewe! get on with the story.

  13. DEE

    May 9, 2012 at 3:29 pm

    Please,Direct me to these Mats that you use.
    Hilarious as usual.Am a “silent” fan,hooked on your blog since last year.
    keep them coming.

  14. dallahz

    May 12, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    Divine evil hehehehehe awesome read!

  15. charlie

    January 18, 2013 at 2:33 pm



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