HOW TO GET A WOMAN TO LOOK AT YOUR FACE!

Dear Doris,

I am a terrible person. I feel like my heart is now a tiny bag of sand. I have been cruel to you in the recent past and honestly I can’t explain why or how. It was a natural force destined to see us part. But it will not overpower my love for you. You are all I have… Believe it!

How are you my angel? I know it has been a while and I apologize…

I just started writing with absolutely nothing to write about. I tend to do that a lot when I am feeling low. So let me just dig into my mind, be warned though, nothing productive might come out of this.

This one is for the men out there who read this, women, please go read …mmmm… I don’t know…. You can stay, I guess!

I am going to teach you how to dress! I know, i know! You know how to hide your private manenos… But dressing is a bit more complicated than hiding you daling aling! That is the main reason of course but if your woman is the ugliest of all the women your friends have around them, then you have a problem! You need to change your shirt or button it up!

Men dress differently. Everyone has their own style, which I am not against. Your style should match your weight and height and breath! If you have bad breath stay at home naked! I am going to teach you my style. I am tall and thin! HAHA! I am so perverted! But seriously, I am quite tall and almost no meat cushion my bones! The ultimate UK body 🙂

This might only be important to you if you wear the same things I do on the daily and you are my size… I am always in a slim tie, flat front pants, a fitting shirt, pointy formal shoes and a jacket… If you have met me, you probably know this.

Lets get to it:

I will start by teaching you how to know if you dress badly!

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

1. If your woman does not invite you to social places as often as she should! It is because you embarrass her you sick man! She loves you but your PR is below average! Now if she is at a party and you are watching movies at home, walk to the mirror and weep as you continually slap yourself until she comes back… Probably with another man having touched her in her private place and she liked it!!!

2. If no woman has ever come up to you in a bar but you have seen it happen to your friends…. IT IS TIME TO CHANGE YOUR PANTS! Women are like Jack Bauer! THEY WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE F*N NERVE GAS IS! Ok I don’t know what that means! Research shows that women will notice what you are wearing before they do your face… So if you are dressed badly and you are not attractive then I can’t help you! At least give her reason to look at you…

3. If that woman you meet on the streets WHO YOU ARE SURE YOU HAVE MET BEFORE AND EVEN LOKKS AT YOU LIKE YALL HAVE MET passes right by you without stopping… Then it might be what you are wearing. Women don’t like being seen around with shabby men! Or you raped her and she is scared of you!! YOU SICK MAN!

4. If you do not slow down at windows to look at yourself THEN YOU ARE AN EYE SORE AND YOU KNOW IT! ME I EVEN STOP AT A CLEAR WINDOW! 😀

5. If the seat next to you is in the matatu is the last one to be occupied then you have a problem! If a woman gets into the matatu, and you are seated near the sliding door, but she walks right to the back… then go back home and burn all your clothes and buy a new toothbrush, toothpaste and deodorant!

6. If its your 4th year at the company you are working for and you have never been promoted then your boss might not like the things you wear to work… Or you suck at what you do…

7. if your woman has asked you to go change what you are wearing before the two of you go out more than 5 times the past year then even you know you have a problem! Let her even pick something out for you… She will tell you if you need new clothes! Plus what a woman chosses out for you have A HIGH PROBABILITY of attracting other women… DO NOT CONFUSE THIS FOR ENCOURAGING ADULTERY!

I could go on and on but I will stop there…

HOW TO TREAT YOUR PROBLEM:

1. If you have clothes in your closet that you have been wearing regularly [and not to sleep] that date back 2 years. Donate them to charity… You will know this when the collar of your shirt does not match your shirt! Or if your pants are shiny on its butt area then you have probably farted on that pair enough times and YOU NEED A FRESH START!

2. Buy clothes that fuckin* fit! It is very important to know your size! The person who put those numbers on clothes is not stupid! You don’t walk into a shop, see a shirt you like and just pick it! It is also important to know the details of your size.

For example, my shirts are 15″ collar, Small, Slim fit. And trousers are 32″ waist 44″ length, flat front. My jackets are 38″ Small Slim fit. Anything out of those numbers will not fit…

3. Women are obsessed with shoes. Not just ati theirs or their girlfriend’s… They will notice those old un polished things you are wearing beneath your feet… I only wear pointy shoes. Ok I am lying! Most of the shoes I own are pointy. They look good on a slim figure… I don’t know about fat men! Have 3 or four pairs of shoes at least NOT INCLUDING YOUR BATA SLIPPERS!

4. CLIP YOUR NAILS! Yes, its part of your outfit! I CANT STAND THOSE PEOPLE WHO KEEP ONE NAIL LONGER THAN THE REST… I just puked a little in my mouth just thinking about it! Bleghhh!

5. WE KNOW YOU HAVE COLOGNE OMERA… So will you put enough and not try killing the people around you! Cologne is probably (if you are buying good ones) the most expensive part of your outfit! Weka kidogo jamani!

6. I try to wear pocket squares as much as I can. Some people have this mentality that your tie should match your pocket square! THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA! I suggest you wear a flashy colored pocket square… It will have the woman’s eyes on you! People who match the two shop at Kings Collection! Yuck!

7. When it comes to jackets, make sure they all fall right under your buttocks. A shorter jacket will emphasize your height as well as your skinny waist, arms and legs. Yuck! Then there is that tag on the sleeve of your jacket… In fact, let me make this simple for you, DONT BUY A JACKET WITH A TAG ON ITS SLEEVE! Those are the cheap ones!

Never go beyond 2 buttons… Always one or two buttons!

8. This will be my last one because I am tired of typing! Match you belt with your shoes… This is the obvious but one of you did not know this…

9. I almost forgot about the tie… I wear slim ties because of my figure… I look ridiculous in a fat tie… Wear something flashy… I SWEAR TO GOD IT WILL ATTRACT THAT WOMAN YOU ARE TRYING SO HARD TO IMPRESS BY BUYING HER TABLE COUNTLESS BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL!

I am so bored with this post… Yuck!

Vocabulary: Yuck – I don’t know what it means, my niece keeps on saying it at the end of every sentence and i find it cool… YUCK!

This one is dedicated to @queengathoni