17 May

Dear Doris,

My Love…. My Life… My Everything! How I am lifeless without you by my side! My heart bleeds with the distance… I am trying to work it out on my own. But it is weighing me down. But my love, let us think only of the blessings that God may yet have in store for this long distance relationship. It is an amazing feeling to be in love with you – an affection exceeding a thousand times my low moments, which has continued so many years, and is yet undiminished…Never will I marry in this world if I marry not you. Truly can I say that for the seven years since I vowed my love for you, I have foregone all company, and the society of all females (except my own relations) for your sake.

My love, I am a tad confused on where to start today…

I have just noticed its 5:30pm WHICH IN LAYMAN’S TONGUE MEANS HOME TIME so I will be quick…

I really want to tell you a story about this woman who was too fat she had to be TAGGED out of the matatu by two guys but something tells me that is not drama enough to waste my time on…

I have just finished reading this book called Pigeon English… About this 11-year-old Ghanaian boy who moves to the UK with his mum and older sister… The boy dies at the end… That bit f*ked my day… So excuse my emotions from here on…

If there is anything I cannot stand more than maziwa mala it is an illiterate woman! Trust me THEY ARE THERE!!! I am so angered right now!

I know you are asking yourself how to tell if a woman is illiterate! Apart from the obvious ones like letting a matatu driver touch you THERE and using tnx instead of ‘thank you’! Allow me to elaborate!

Lets us start from the very beginning:

Noah Merriam Webstar defines illiterate as showing or marked by a lack of acquaintance with the fundamentals of a particular field of knowledge. He goes on to clarify that it is showing a lack of familiarity with language and literature!

Case Study:

In the matatu yesterday (that’s where all the drama starts man) a woman sat beside me. You already know I have a terrible habit of reading other people’s texts!

She was texting her friend (a woman), or  a man called Wanja! I don’t look into details! Her first text:

“Xema…” Let me stop RIGHT THERE! I SHE DID NOT JUST REPLACE THE ‘S’ WITH AN ‘X’! That was the first nail to her casket!

I continue…

“Xema Wanja. Magne I hnt fkd hom!”

I can imagine the look on your face… I had the exact one when iI saw it!

I recited it in my head over and over again! NOTHING! I had no idea what she was trying to say… This behavior is exhibited by people who lack familiarity with language…

She was beautiful and had a nice ass… but her points were falling fast!

A reply came in…

“Kwani uko wapi. baithewei tnx for teh frts!”

It is quite evident that birds of a feather flock together! We are now dealing with two very special species… Scientific name: Idiotas illiteratus!

I figured ‘baithewei’ in literate is ‘by the way’! Please advise if I am wrong! And ‘tnx’ is Thanks. ‘teh’ is probably ‘the’ and ‘frts’ I dont even want to think about! I HAD NO IDEA WHATSOEVER WHAT THE TWO WERE TALKING ABOUT!

Idiotas illiteratus #1 replies

“hbri ya Davi?” Ok this bit I got… “Habari ya Davi”

Idiotas illiteratus #2 replies almost immediately, “xawa 2! 7 mnths!” I decoded the cryptic message. “Sawa tu. 7 months!”

I gave up. I had no idea what was going on! I could not follow!

Among all the women I have dated, only two were evidently illiterate… Non of which lasted more than 216 hours! My high school was in the middle of nowhere so there was very little to work with. The beautiful ones barely had brains and the intelligent ones barely had a face! I am not being mean… That just how it is!

Because in high school, in the middle of nowhere, no one actually cares if the girl you are walking with has an amazing project for science congress or led in Siaya-Bondo Mathematics (this was the hardest math exam in the region)… I would tend to lean on the looks… You got more marks…

Let me tell you about Berryl* . That might or might not be her real name for identity protection!

She was a tad yellow… Just a tad but had a globe for an ass. Berryl* would write a letter with ‘sweetheart’ being used 79 times all of which were spelt differently and non was correct! Remind me to scan a note she wrote to me and include it on my next post! I couldn’t handle it!

Meet Beatrice* I ended the relationship when she spelt ‘bitch’ as ‘beach’! Too much pride… Too much pride!

I really wanted to merge this with ‘HOW A WOMAN SHOULD DRESS’ But I am afraid it will be too long. So that will be my next letter… Which I will have up before mid-night!

Oh and about the title: I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO USE ‘TUMBLE DRY’…. I love it!! TUMBLE DRY!

‘When you marry an illiterate woman as a wife, you will definitely make stupid decisions like jonathan’ –wole soyinka


Posted by on May 17, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, women tales


Tags: , ,

8 responses to “TUMBLE DRY

  1. @queengathoni

    May 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    how i wish you attached the ‘sweetheart’ note… All in all, i enjoy reading your letters to Doris… Afternoon = made

  2. mmnjug

    May 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm

    Hahahahaha!! This The beautiful ones barely had brains and the intelligent ones barely had a face! I am not being mean… killed it! Wah!!

  3. Linda

    May 17, 2012 at 5:12 pm

    Ian am so with you on this. Can’t stand those incomprehensible texts nkt!!
    ION nice post 🙂

  4. ViValdi

    May 17, 2012 at 11:08 pm

    Also have some chick friend who takes the whole sms thing to seriously!!
    eg – ouwt instead of out, owkie instead of okay……its sms (short message service) do the letter count! it beats the whole sms idea!!
    & the ultimate….placing random capital letters in between words!! eg tRyNNa, hoLd’N!! Really!

    @deardoris I feel ya on this one!

    Chep…hope you’re somaing this’s for you!

  5. Maria

    May 21, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    Love it………………

  6. Jay Mwangangi

    May 22, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    That was quite a task decoding those damn texts!!! I squinted, turn my head to the side in a slightly horizontal angle…………. still nothing. So i figure “tnx for teh frts” means “Thanks for the farts”??? Did i get it? I got it didn’t I? Yay me!!!

  7. Krista

    July 4, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    Jonathan Wole Soyinka… I’ll always thank my mum for introducing me to his work….

  8. stella22

    February 12, 2014 at 11:42 am

    My ex kept spelling ‘sis’ as ‘siz’!!! EVERY SINGLE TIME. For some reason that annoyed the living crap out of me!


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