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THE HOUSE HELPS OF KILELESHWA (Part 1)

29 May

My Lovely Doris,

I will not lie to you that I have missed you… Even though deep down I might have, I cannot feel it… You know too well that you make it hard for me to miss you. You have changed Doris… You are not the woman I met… Your heart is a mess, you are cruel, you break my heart… But you will have to try harder to make me stop loving you. I know I have not written for a while now – It was a test – to see if you would write. All the bombings and you would not even check if I am alive my love… My love for you will be my weakness… It will help me see past all the pain you have put me through… But be very aware that we will be together again…

Random news: On Sunday when I was randomly walking in town a lady came up to me and, almost in a whisper, said, “Hi Dear Doris” It is safe to say I am famous 😀

I know I am supposed to write about ‘What A Woman Should Wear’ or something of the sort! It has just hit me that that is A VERY BROAD TOPIC. I will write 5 letters to be able to cover everything I would like to say. This will be the first one.

Please be advised that I write it the way I know it and your opinion does not matter whatsoever so just shut up and read OK! There we go…

This is how to tell A Kileleshwa house help from the rest:

Before I jump into this I would like to teach you a little bit of something about house helps. And you are not allowed to disagree with me.

There are 3 types of House helps:

    • The Child

    • The Second wife

    • The Help

A quick look at each category.

The Child is that little girl your mother got from shagz. She knows nothing about Nairobi and is extremely shy. She knows how to do nothing else apart from work her ass off. She is new to a few things like lasagna and ipads (or anything with touch screen functions) She has 3 pairs of clothes and flip flops (see also Bata slippers) Her breasts are sturdy and her ass tight. She has never been touched or has been touched once. She has her own pumice stone in the bathroom and hangs her under wear on her bead rest or under her mattress (not that I have ever checked – I work on instincts) She does not ask questions! She likes figuring things by herself – this normally comes out as comedy. She learns how to flush the toilet.

The Second Wife has figured it out. She knows what’s going on and how to use the TVs remote control. She knows how to operate all the electronics. She probably knows what lasagna is but still cant make it. She is in her early 20s. 25 to be exact. She knows what she wants… And SHE WANTS THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE! She goes to the salon often and buys new clothes and shoes. She has the balls to exchange words with the ‘Mother’. She leaves the house immediately her masters leave. She has probably slept with the master’s eldest son (this normally happens at the later stages of The Child) She wants more. She thinks its is possible to become ‘Father’s second wife. She goes over board to get noticed; swinging her hips as she wades into the kitchen. She ‘forgets’ her red underwear in the bathroom. Her cooking is excellent. Her hair gleams. She ensures her breasts and thighs are exposed (just enough) when she walks out of the bathroom in her towel (which was a lesso or her clothes at The Child stage). She no longer asks ‘Mother’ for money for the house…. its now ‘Father’ who she goes to. Most house helps are fired at this stage…

The Help is relaxed and is too aware she cannot be the second wife. She is in her 30s or 40s… sometimes even 50s. She has children who she has to see through school so she never jokes on the job.   She is respectful and wise. She knows how to make lasagna. You never see her underwear! She spends most of her time thinking about her wasted life. She sometimes brings her teenage daughters over to help her with the laundry. She quits because she cannot execute her duties.

Every house help goes through these stages. Look at yours and let me know where she falls or if she is your step mother!

Why do I have the feeling I should just stop here?! I will just stop here and call the ‘Part One’! And thats the way it will be. Watch out for Part 2 before end of day today….

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13 Comments

Posted by on May 29, 2012 in comedy

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

13 responses to “THE HOUSE HELPS OF KILELESHWA (Part 1)

  1. Magi

    May 29, 2012 at 11:43 am

    The househelp who works for my mum does not fit in any of those categories…..she is the sister type.

     
  2. Lee

    May 29, 2012 at 11:45 am

    You have lost your spark.

     
  3. Charity

    May 29, 2012 at 11:53 am

    I am the lady who said Hi, 😀 wasn’t sure you heard me…..Love your writing!!

     
  4. blaqpunk

    May 29, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    …ours never stick around long enough to classify…at most two weeks…

     
  5. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    May 29, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    This is so true! So what should a woman wear?

     
  6. mmnjug

    May 29, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    You must have had a child at your home………! Lol!

     
  7. winnie

    June 15, 2012 at 4:28 pm

    MYN IS A MIXTURE OF ALL THE CATEGORIES!!!

     
  8. oketchjohn

    June 15, 2012 at 7:39 pm

    I must admit that you are on point with your descriptions of these house-helps….especially the 2nd wife “help” i bet all of them have existed in your home. Wonderful descriptions i could see them as i read through the whole article. Hurry up with part 2.

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 22, 2012 at 5:33 pm

      hahaha! I do my research 🙂 Thank you John.

       
  9. Edwin Lomei

    June 20, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    Get me one rich sexy woman edwinlomei@yahoo.com

     
  10. mnkatha38

    September 6, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    First of all, I love the movie “The help”, quite a master piece. I think our help is in the second one, she’s now going for shopping for skinny jeans and she used to wear skirts that Mokorinos would feel indecent looking at hers

     

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