WHAT A WOMAN SHOULD WEAR TO WORK

Dear Doris,

I have said so much my love… and done a tonne to show you that you are the one for me. But all that I have said and done will never compare to what I am willing to do still. My life is purposeless if not spent with you Doris… And if all these things I have said and done still haven’t convinced you of my utter love to you, then I have nothing else to offer…

My dad came back from the States yesterday night.  He is reading a book called, ‘Satan You Can’t have My Children by Iris Delgado!’ I have NO IDEA WHAT MY SIBLINGS IN THE STATES HAVE BEEN UP TO!

Lets get down to business. This one will be long!

Before I go into this I want to let you know that what I am going to teach you is the general things. I will mostly concentrate on plus size yelo yelo lawyers because I like PLUS SIZED YELO YELO  LAWYERS! But this should help you no matter what career you are in – from Mpesa teller to lawyer to doctor through bank robber ( yes, you have to look good to rob a bank so wipe that blank look off your face!)

Lets do this!

The first thing you should have in mind: Image is everything.

I can decide for myself if you are a terrible lawyer or a good one by the way you dress before you say a word! Image covers a wide area… From your ringtone to the colour of your sole. I will try to cover as much as I can!

1. How much you show:

You are allowed to bring your naked body to work but don’t show it! You want to come out as attractive NOT SEXUAL! I have researched on this an I have come up with a way on how to check if your skirt is too short: Place your phone just above your knee in an upright position. If it is not touching your skirt it is most probably short for the work place, so go take it off!

About cleavage – The type of women I like have an ‘absolute bosom’ see also ‘padded bosom’ – I advice you to use your cleavage to say, “oh, you almost saw that didn’t you?!” By that I mean do not go out flaunting it. Hide it almost completely. Or just show all of it – you will lose your job but you will keep your boss!

2. Make up and its evils:

I kid you not, women who wear makeup in business generally get better jobs, get promoted more quickly and get paid more (Times Online UK). Now I am not saying ati you go dive in a bucket of powder to get promoted! Or paint your eyelids blue or draw lines all over you eyes! If you have a zit right at the centre of your fore head, I advice you to rock it with pride than trying to conceal it with heaps of make up… Leave that for clowns and fortune tellers!

3. The suit:

Dear woman, if you want something that will look good on you always it’s a black skirt suit! Buy at least two of these! I prefer my plus size women in skirt suits. Make sure your jackets are two or three button and fits!

A secret: check the material the suit is made of before buying it. It will fit well when one of the materials is spandex in less than 5%. A grey suit is also important… only wear a white skirt suit if you own the firm (see Devil Wears Prada)

4. The hand bag:

Women these days carry HUGE hand bags. You look like you are carrying your child to work in that thing! You don’t want your colleagues thinking that you are not planning on going back home anytime soon because that is what that big bag says!

Stick to genuine leather. You will hardly go wrong with that. Throw all those shiny bags. You don’t want everyone who walks past you seeing their own reflection on your bag.

What you put in this bag is also important! VERY IMPORTANT! There was this once in a matatu,this lady’s phone rang and she couldn’t find t in her HUGE bag. She kept on taking out old receipts and used tissue paper! She had like 4 sunglasses and a huge make up set! Then to top it all a condom wrapper fell out! I advice every woman to have the following: pain killers, a pen a nd a cute tiny note pad, hand sanitizer, mints/gum, a mirror, feminine products, deo, wet wipes, a comb, and a good book ( a woman who reads is a good woman).

4. The shoes

I fall in love with women in black heels that have red soles!

You heels should not be more than 4 inches long unless you work at Tahiti or Apple Bees. I read somewhere that heels make you confident (that right there is a blunt lie… I read no such thing)

Do not wear sandals to work… But I am guessing you already know that.

There is this type of shoes I hate… The are sandals but look like the ‘Jesus sandals’ I have no idea what they are called. They are very common… I wouldn’t wear these!

Keep the toes closed!

I am not an expert on flat shoes so I will avoid that area.

The colour of your heels say a lot! I love my women in red heels and clack heels with red soles.

5. The black dress.

You have to have this. It should be little. Not too little though. It should fit. It should not be too tight. This will go with almost anything. And it will look good.

6. The ringtone.

Kigeugeu by Jaguar and its affiliates are to be avoided for ringtones. Imagine your phone going off to Jimmy Gait! Try setting it to vibrate! In fact… PUT IT ON VIBRATE!

7. The scent.

You are allowed to wear perfume to work. This does not mean you hose yourself in fruity fragrance! The basic rule is, a perfume should not walk ahead of you.  People should not be able to smell your perfume unless they are at arms length! If you walk into a room and people start sneezing… Then… well… leave the room! citrus and fruity scents are advised for the office ( I googled it!)

8. The underwear.

Wear seamless under wear. Panty lines are extremely un-attractive. Kwanza when the panty line does not balance… My word!

The thong – Although I find thongs more suitable for meetings between lovers, I see no reason why a woman couldn’t wear them to work, especially if it is not visible. It cancels out panty lines… But I did not tell you that!

9. The jewelry.

Do not wear noisy jewelry! They are distracting. Instead go for stud earrings or single bracelets! Colour also plays a huge role… Those huge orange beads around your neck will have me concentrating less on what you have to say! Multiple bangles are for young girls, never for a woman looking at the CEO seat!

I have written everything I know on what a woman should wear to work…

My next one will be ‘what to wear to get a man!’