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AMSTERDAM HAS A WEIRD MAN!

09 Jun

My lovely Doris,

I have made up my mind… I am no longer unsure about us moving in together as I was a few years back. I have a well paying job now and yet to get my own place. I beg of you to still be patient with me… We will share one roof very soon.

I am happy today, even though I have a really bad cough! I cant remember the last time I had a cough before this. I must have been four or six or any of those ages where I had to take Calpol…

The ride home was eventful… I fell asleep almost immediately I got on the matatu ( I get confused… Is it ‘get in the matatu’ or ‘get on the matatu’ or get into the matatu’? My English is not very good seeing that I used to teach my high school English teacher English! I Aced it either way) Where was I before that rude thought interrupted me?

Yes…. The matatu…

I am really tall… And I have a long neck (I come from a genealogy of models) I want you to try picture a man dozing off whilst seated on a bench… Can you see him? Yeah… Now alternate roles… Put me where that man is…. Then put a matatu seat under my buttocks… I am completely asleep… Now I want you to imagine the matatu speeding at a corner… I am thrown sideways. My head land on something really soft. Not the soft for a thick bosom… or padded thigh… A different soft… Like a furry carpet…or hay… I opened my eyes and made sense of my surrounding. I had hit the woman sitting next to me… Her head… On her head was a bushy weave… It was so bushy it broke my fall! She quickly fixed it without saying a word. That ladies and gentlemen is called CONFIDENCE…

I fell asleep again not long after!

thats me and my friend Denet

I think I was dreaming because I opened my eyes and with absolutely no reason at all, I shouted, ‘NASHUKA!’ I was at Chiromo Fly-over! That is like 15 bus stops before my house… The matatu stopped and I got off trying to figure out what just went down!

As I write this I am listening to a Skype conversation between a colleague of mine and a white man… It is completely awkward. He doesn’t know I am in the office. It is Saturday, and I am never in the office on Saturdays because its Sabbath, but there was an emergency today – same freakin’ emergency that saw me working till 11.30 last night! But that is not my tale… I have always wanted to use that word… TALE! hehe! I am happy!

I knew there was something fishy immediately i heard an English accent from the other side…

(WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE SHOUT WHEN ON SKYPE!?)

“Hello Justin*” The deep white voice… (Justin is not his real name… I am protecting his identity)

“Are you at the office” The deep voice continues.

Justin* is excited. You can tell from his ‘jumpy’ voice. “Hiiiiii… How are you? Yes I am at the office!” Justin* replies! I am in a different room so I cant see his body movements, but if I were to guess, he would almost be clapping with excitement!

“Why are you in the office on a Saturday?” The white deep voice thats getting deeper… Or its the excitement building up in my soul… I was sensing a scandal… and I AM NEVER WRONG!

“Ahhh.. I just came to do a few things….” he answers trying to look cool…

“Are you alone?” The deep voice cuts in mid sentence…

“Yeah…  am so bored here… I wish you could just take the next jet here!” Justin* says with a naughty giggle!

I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW THAT I HAD TO GET OFF MY SEAT AND PACE IN MY TINY OFFICE… I dont think I was ready to listen to the rest of this conversation… “hahaha!” the white voice lets out a JOLLY laugh! “I want that too!” He says…

{something tells me I might get into trouble writing this story but what the hell}

“Just for a weekend…” Justin says, sounding convincing.

This is what men tell women they want to sleep with. I mean, you coming for a weekend for what… Pizza?! Or a visit to Uhuru park… I was smelling an ignominy! I remove my shoes and tip toe to Justin’s office door… YES I AM A REPORTER AT HEART… IF I WANT A STORY, I WILL GET IT!

Justin* must have heard me because he stopped talking and looked towards my direction… I had to tip toe to a safe location… My office! I was just in time to hung up on someone…. My phone lights up for about 3  seconds before it bursts into melody when a call comes in! I was in time to hung up at the light 😀 I had to get my story!

I missed a chunk of the conversation as all this was going on… The white voice was now singing! I was dying of laughter inside… There had to be an explanation! Why was this man singing to this other one… He goes on for about two minutes…. Justin* is clapping saying, “ohhhh wowwww…. You sing so well!” At this point I was extremely confused… I knew enough information to be assassinated!  hats not the end of it…. Justin also broke out in song… I was dying! The man could sing… But his audience was scandalous! The white voice knew the song and they sing together… For the next three minutes that felt like 6 hours… The sung away…!

Then the all clapped!

“How much is a return flight to Amsterdam” Justin asks.

“About 900 dollars…” The white voice who now has a location! Only a few more minutes and these two would me on auto pilot!

“Thats about 75,000 Shillings! That is a lot…” Justin says…

“Do not worry, tell me when you want to come and I will pay for you…” The white deep voice says like it was nothing!

“WOW!” Justin says (WHAT IS THIS WOW THING!!!! ITS ANNOYING)

I didnt see my phone light up… It rung so loudly i jumped!

“What was that?!” the white deep voice asked…

“Let me check…” Justin said and that was the end of the conversation… Theres something I still cant put a finger on…. When justin got to my office, he was smiling mischievously… THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT TO GO DOWN THAT MY PHONE MESSED UP…. I am suing Blackberry!

I have to stop here because I have to start on a different post about  this all white party my people and I chattered a plane  to go to last weekend…

For Nguhi

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18 Comments

Posted by on June 9, 2012 in comedy, matatu tales, sex

 

Tags: ,

18 responses to “AMSTERDAM HAS A WEIRD MAN!

  1. Kevin Isaac (@nyawizzy)

    June 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

    I am the first comment this is my big chance: Hi Mom and I want to thank my family, my friends, my parents, my uncle, my aunt, my grandmother, my grandfather, my friend, my. .. “Friend,” my neighbor, my compadres, my gossips, my Meuse, my moso, my colleagues, my girls, my babies, my parrot, my dog, my cat, my squirrel, my fish, my refrigerator, my TV, my computer, my facebook, my twitter my youtube channel, my mother, my father, my lover, this is a great opportunity are giving me for being the first comment on this page and really want to say that thanks, infinite thanks and I will never forget this special moment where I was finally first at something, plus I want to wish a special greeting to Tokyo Japan to make those Chinese puppets as impressive as Zidane, but not because I want to thank, but most importantly I want to wish all that in as much as the bottom of my heart never lose that feeling that many can not read this message as long as a bastard but I do not care I’m very happy of this event, do not fit with excitement and my life took an unimaginable sense, I applaud and I go for, aplaudanse yourself for giving me such a great opportunity to I can be the first to comment so similar publication and these small and short words that come from my heart just expressing a minimal part of the impressive emotion, thank you all and I hope they’re right, oh I forgot, thanks to my guitar, my friends, the amixers, the wachiturros, the Flaites, the Cannis and all those people that make me feel special to know I’m not as stupid as them, deep and sincere thanks. want to say more but time I can see, all these few words express my greatest feelings and I hope I can present more opportunities in life, and continue to succeed, will remember this moment all my life and I am out but not before reminding my family, my friends, my parents, my uncle, my aunt, my grandmother, my grandfather, my friend, my friend, my neighbor, my compadres, my gossips, my Meuse, my moso, my colleagues, my girls, my babies, my parrot, my dog, my cat, my squirrel, I fish in my refrigerator, my TV, my computer, my facebook, my twitter my youtube channel, my mother, my father, my lover, oh and also all those people who read this comentario.Mierda, I’m the first comment this is my big chance: Hi Mom I want to thank my family, my friends, my parents, my uncle, my aunt, my grandmother, my grandfather, my friend, my … “Friend,” my neighbor, my compadres, my gossips, my Meuse, my moso, my colleagues, my girls, my babies, my parrot, my dog, my cat, my squirrel, my fish, my refrigerator, my TV, my computer, my facebook, my twitter my youtube channel, my mother, my father, my lover, this is a great opportunity are giving me for being the first comment on this page and really want to say that thanks, infinite thanks and I will never forget this special moment where I was finally first at something, plus I want to wish a special greeting to Tokyo Japan to make those Chinese puppets as impressive as Zidane, but not because I want to thank, but most importantly I want to wish all that in as much as the bottom of my heart never lose that feeling that many can not read this message as long as a bastard but I do not care I’m very happy of this event, do not fit with excitement and my life took an unimaginable sense, I applaud and I go for, aplaudanse yourself for giving me such a great opportunity to I can be the first to comment so similar publication and these small and short words that come from my heart just expressing a minimal part of the impressive emotion, thank you all and I hope they’re right, oh I forgot, thanks to my guitar, my friends, the amixers, the wachiturros, the Flaites, the Cannis and all those people that make me feel special to know I’m not as stupid as them, deep and sincere thanks. want to say more but time I can see, all these few words express my greatest feelings and I hope I can present more opportunities in life, and continue to succeed, will remember this moment all my life and I am out but not before reminding my family, my friends, my parents, my uncle, my aunt, my grandmother, my grandfather, my friend, my friend, my neighbor, my compadres, my gossips, my Meuse, my moso, my colleagues, my girls, my babies, my parrot, my dog, my cat, my squirrel, I fish in my refrigerator, my TV, my computer, my facebook, my twitter my youtube channel, my mother, my father, my lover, oh and also all those people who read this comentario.Mierda, I’m the first comment this is my big chance: Hi Mom I want to thank my family, my friends, my parents, my uncle, my aunt, my grandmother, my grandfather, my friend, my … “Friend,” my neighbor, my compadres, my gossips, my Meuse, my moso, my colleagues, my girls, my babies, my parrot, my dog, my cat, my squirrel, my fish, my refrigerator, my TV, my computer, my facebook, my twitter my youtube channel, my mother, my father, my lover, this is a great opportunity are giving me for being the first comment on this page and really want to say that thanks, infinite thanks and I will never forget this special moment where I was finally first at something, plus I want to wish a special greeting to Tokyo Japan to make those Chinese puppets as impressive as Zidane, but not because I want to thank, but most importantly I want to wish all that in as much as the bottom of my heart never lose that feeling that many can not read this message as long as a bastard but I do not care I’m very happy of this event, do not fit with excitement and my life took an unimaginable sense, I applaud and I go for, aplaudanse yourself for giving me such a great opportunity to I can be the first to comment so similar publication and these small and short words that come from my heart just expressing a minimal part of the impressive emotion, thank you all and I hope they’re right, oh I forgot, thanks to my guitar, my friends, the amixers, the wachiturros, the Flaites, the Cannis and all those people that make me feel special to know I’m not as stupid as them, deep and sincere thanks. want to say more but time I can see, all these few words express my greatest feelings and I hope I can present more opportunities in life, and continue to succeed, will remember this moment all my life and I am out but not before reminding my family, my friends, my parents, my uncle, my aunt, my grandmother, my grandfather, my friend, my friend, my neighbor, my compadres, my gossips, my Meuse, my moso, my colleagues, my girls, my babies, my parrot, my dog, my cat, my squirrel, I fish in my refrigerator, my TV, my computer, my facebook, my twitter my youtube channel, my mother, my father, my lover, oh and also all those people who read this comment.
    May 23 at 7:22am · Like
    Kabbie Kirai is this a comment or a blog
    May 23 at 7:31am · Like
    Richy Bitz Ngai fafa kwagera!
    May 23 at 1:52pm · Like · 1
    Kevin Isaac What i would do to be that badger on the wall! cc: Aviko Nella
    May 23 at 11:53pm · Like

    Write a comment…

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 9, 2012 at 3:17 pm

      Kevin you are a mad man 😀 and you are welcome…

       
    • optimusthe1

      June 9, 2012 at 5:15 pm

      Kevin WTH! Nice one Ian…..

       
    • mmnjug

      June 11, 2012 at 8:58 am

      What the? smh!

       
  2. steveoyugi

    June 9, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    Well done Ian, @Kevin, ati? WTH

     
  3. Nguhi Mwaura

    June 10, 2012 at 1:43 pm

    Thanks for the shout out!!

     
  4. mmnjug

    June 11, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Be warned, you have info that can cause you to have your case handled by Jicho Pevu….hehehe!!

     
  5. Bizstler

    June 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm

    Lord Jesus!

     
  6. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    June 12, 2012 at 1:58 am

    Wait, so you actually removed your shoes to tiptoe???

    And why the hell do you have a ringtone?! My phone is always on vibration, ring-tones are so last century but then so are BBs 🙂

     
    • irene

      June 15, 2012 at 12:49 am

      haha u said it man…ringtoneds r whack!!!

       
  7. Adell

    June 14, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    nice one!! lol!

     
  8. Abba (@Abbakidenda)

    June 14, 2012 at 7:59 pm

    Okay I have read two paragraphs and doubled over laughing at work. Also my abs hurt when I laugh cause I started working out. I can’t. I give up!

     
  9. irene

    June 15, 2012 at 12:53 am

    I must say…the ”nashuka part” HILLARIOUS……//..i lafd out loud…i rarely do that…alafu…the gay part…thatds y i keep sayn accept gays…ua bestfriend…family o sam1 yu care about myt b so….nice shit man

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

      Big up big up…. *i bow* thank you.

       
  10. dallahz

    June 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Kevin hahahahahahahahahaha! Ian>>>mano ber ahinya!

     
  11. lydzayar

    January 17, 2014 at 11:00 am

    I just discovered who the guy talking to the weird man is. Ahahaha. Weird singing men tickle me.

     
  12. bellz

    April 4, 2014 at 9:44 am

    wah this kevin guy has a disorder with no scientific backing …… yaye arunga this blog is marrywanna dope

     

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