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Just from a blind date

14 Jun

My Lovely Doris,

My love, have I told you how much I love you recently? Well if I havent, then I just did. With every passing second I am convinced that you are the only one for me…. Does that even make sense?

I am just from a blind date!!! haha! Yes, another one! I never learn my lesson… But then again learning lessons make life so boring!

There is this boy I grew up with called Alexander. I hadnt seen or heard from him for about 20 years; then he calls me up the other day! We meet up for lunch and its cool. Then he calls me today and says,

“Mr. Arunga, nitiere nya rabuon moro kae ma adwaro ni irom go! Angeyo gik mihero!” Which means,

“Mr. Arunga, there is a Kikuyu woman I would like you to meet. I know what you like!” I was least interested, but saying no would have been rude! So we set up a date for 1 pm.

There is a reason why they called ‘blind’ dates! There is a reason why they are blind…

I know how wrong these dates go, so I tell Alexander I have not more than half an hour. This helps incase thing go extremely wrong which I was sure was going to happen!

I choose a venue: Sarit Food Court. Home ground!

I am there at exactly one… Alex is there a few minutes later!

“gibiro sani sani…” Alexander asures me! That just means they are on their way! Apparently we were expecting two women!

We are talking about our childhood days… The laughter… Good times… Suddenly, “NIAJE ALEX!” a woman’s voice from behind me…

“Maze joh haukunishow muko floor gani… Tumekusaka!” the voice continues…. I say a quick silent prayer before I look at them… This should help normally!

Two women stood erect behind my seat! One 15 shade darker than the other! The dark one had massive mandibles that forced her face to be square. She looked innocent and naive. Her hair, even though not long enough, was combed back and held tightly together with a rubber band. She was carrying a black hand bag and an A4 mock leather diary. She was wearing pants that were supposed to be hi hugging but she floated in it. She was slender and lanky with no sign of mammary glands whatsoever!

The lighter one had a louder mouth. She is the one who was talking. She had a wide gap between her two front teeth which kept me staring! I am usually amazed by features like this…. Gap between the teeth and eyebrow piercings… She was wearing a black polo shirt with a white trim, which I very much liked until I saw a word I couldnt read written at the back of its collar. You know the polo shirts with words on the collar? THOSE ONES! I ABHORE THEM! She had a mole at the meeting of her neck and  her left shoulder the size of an immature pea… This made me very uneasy! I looked at the gap between her teeth then at the mole…

She too had held her hair at the back… but not with a rubber band… I think. I was busy staring at ‘the gap’.

I couldnt stop staringat the gap between her teeth… I felt intimidated… It was like a set up!

They take a seat. The lighter one sits directly in front of me and the dark on sits on my left! I had no idea how to start a conversation with a human being who speaks like this, “Niaje johh! Maze johh! Ni Kunoma johh!!” I have never known what to tell them… Eventhough I would love to contribute to whatever they are going on about… I have since learnt, “Maze joh, usinitupe hivyo. Nivutie waya matime tubonge juu ya hio maneno!”

So I go like, “Ian Aruga is my name, whats yours?”

Then they both answer at the same time… “LIZ!”

It was funny and I almost laughed! But I didn’t…

“Alex is busy texting God knows who so I am stuck with two Lizes with nothing to say…

“What do you do Liz?” I ask looking directly at the light one in order to bring organization into the conversation…

She said something that I dodnt quite get… I didnt want her to repeat it because I was sure I wouldnt be able to understand it still…

Then silence… There was nothing to say!

Random waiters had filled our table with menus! I knew what I wanted, NOTHING! I wanted to go back to the office…

They order…

I get a coke…

“Si u-oder dema ya maana mboss!” The light one says… Catching me completely off guard! She scared me! I felt like I heard no choice…

“chips masala…” I said without thinking! I DONT EVEN EAT CHIPS MASALA…. I HATE IT!

I am forced to speak in sheng. I do know a little bit of it. Like, “Kileleshwa mbao!” means, “Kileleshwa twenty bob!” and, “Hamna ng’ori!” means, “No problem!” and, “monglinyo” is mobile phone…. I tried using all these elements in our conversation…

We talk for a while about where she goes to school (somewhere in Buru Buru).

“Maze hio daro tuko watu lesser.” She said! I knew what she meant and I was proud of myself…She meant, they are few in her class… ‘Lesser’ just means ‘few’!

“Mtu ngapi!” I ask like i have been speaking this language my whole life!

“Lubu!” She answers! Whatever lubu is, it was time to go back to work…

I pay my bill for the coke and have my masalsa chips packed. Because this looked like a double date thingi, i figured I was to pay the light chic’s bill too…And I did.

“I have to rush…” I said and left…

“Number?” the light one asks…

I take out my wallet and remove a business card and lay it on the table… Immediately I let go of it, the two women scramble for it… Funniest shit ever!

I get a call from Alexander before I leave Sarit, “Omera orna Mpesa!” Which means, ‘mpesa me!”

I KNEW IT!

I mpesa him some money and head to the office.

I am at the office with a pack of masala chips I will not eat and a memory never to be forgotten!

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29 Comments

Posted by on June 14, 2012 in comedy

 

29 responses to “Just from a blind date

  1. optimusthe1

    June 14, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Dude….run for the hills! That’s a chick that can mug you when u r dating!!

     
  2. Abba (@Abbakidenda)

    June 14, 2012 at 7:51 pm

    Hhaahahahaa I die!!! Alexander Muge!

     
  3. tkimani

    June 14, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    Hahaha, You guy, do you ever learn? And your friend Alex is a very funny chap. I don’t speak Luopean at all but I can guess what “Omera orna Mpesa” translates to!

     
  4. savvy

    June 14, 2012 at 9:21 pm

    He he.. These are the chicks you text “goodnight love” instead of replying “goodnight baby” they text back “hamna presha mtu wangu, kuwa strong. Moro pia ni siku”

    Be very afraid.

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 15, 2012 at 10:07 am

      HAHAHHAHAHAH! I have to use that one…. I am waiting for someone to tell me goodnight 😀

       
  5. Kirui

    June 15, 2012 at 9:44 am

    Ha when i saw you are going for a blind date i sort of said a prayer that this time things will
    sort of be an improvement from the chick from ‘sao’ oh well blind dates are not for you….so what is lubu again?

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 15, 2012 at 10:14 am

      From my research, lubu is blu backwards (dont ask) so its twenty. That is what I have decided…. No more blind dates!

       
  6. mmnjug

    June 15, 2012 at 11:01 am

    I can bet a kabambe phone that you will be in another blind date in the not too distant future!! Hahaha!! Besides, this Alex guy, was he asking cash for pimping or what? Hahahaha!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 22, 2012 at 5:43 pm

      YOU BET! I need stories to tell youi!

       
  7. Anita Kapten (@anitakapten)

    June 15, 2012 at 11:22 am

    Hahahahaha

     
  8. Kuchiki J

    June 15, 2012 at 1:01 pm

    hahaha.. TF is lubu?? :p

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 22, 2012 at 5:42 pm

      You need street IQ to know that shizzle mtu nguyaz!

       
  9. Collins Otieno

    June 15, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    Haaaaa haaa
    maybe next time when you go for a blind date (and I see that it will be soon) just put on some of those daaark googles that “celebs” wear..play blind and maybe just maybe you’ll survive!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 22, 2012 at 5:42 pm

      HAHAHA! Have you tried that before?

       
  10. joy

    June 15, 2012 at 4:02 pm

    blind dates kama “lubu”! lol so u still have the masala fries? :p

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 22, 2012 at 5:38 pm

      I gave them to the watchman on the 3rd day! You wanted?

       
  11. Edgar (@edgar_obaga)

    June 16, 2012 at 11:05 pm

    That ‘lubu’ vybe had me in stitches! ROFL!!

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 22, 2012 at 5:30 pm

      I later learnt that lubu is 20…. My street IQ just shot up!

       
  12. dallahz

    June 19, 2012 at 3:26 pm

    *on the floor*

     
    • mydeardoris

      June 22, 2012 at 5:25 pm

      Get up before I write another one…

       
  13. sasha

    June 20, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    that is funny…..

     
  14. Down south transplant

    July 1, 2012 at 6:30 pm

    LOL i have not been in Nairobi for such a long time was checking out blogs to refresh myself and get some street smart to use for a coming trip but this made me just give up on that self illusion lubu and all, i agree mimi ni shamba now with no hope of street lingo working maybe the little kyuk & Jang i know will work.

     
  15. jeansworld1

    August 21, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Tsk tsk tsk, that is me laughing my butt off. You got off easy boy……… Had it been in the evening, u’da had (please don tell me bout my spelling, Its puuurfect) to fake a heart attack. Nah, doubt it, it would have come naturally. Whats with the gap steadily glaring at you! Wuuuuuuuu this is too good. Tsk tsk tsk tsk. The thought of it is just amusing.

     
  16. lydzayar

    January 28, 2014 at 10:45 am

    Sorry, stalking you.
    How is saying monglinyo easier that phone or simu???

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 28, 2014 at 10:56 am

      Hahaaa… its not easier… complicated is the new swsg!

       
      • lydzayar

        January 28, 2014 at 12:54 pm

        Bwana how is it so hard to find your email address? Even google haijui.

         
  17. Nancy

    March 20, 2014 at 11:50 pm

    You make my days and nights..not a day or night goes by without a dose of dear doris

     
  18. Lydiah

    May 2, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    Hihihihihihihihihi, i only recently found this blog and i officially think its awesome!! I really have never found a truer, more sincere (i know its repetitive, i think they called it something in my english class that i honestly cannot recall, but it was used to prove a point so stick with me) love, than the one i have found between you and Doris. She is truly a lucky woman.
    2nd reason you are going on my list of amazing bloggers, is the fact that you make us big bonned (padded) women, feel truly special. That is indeed a rare delicacy to read in literature.

     

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