(I would like to use this oppotuinity to apologise for my last post that was sent out this morning! I published a draft post by mistake.)
I am reading a book called, ‘We need to talk about Kevin’ by Lionel Shriver. It is a book of letters written by Kevin’s mother to Kevin’s dad. Kevin is in jail for killing 8 (I think) of his classmates and a teacher. But that is not my story, I just thought it was important to let you know what I am doing with my free time… I am not sleeping with anyone else… I am saving myself for you my love.
I am still recovering from yesterday’s blind date. She (the light one) has just texted me, and I quote,”If it is tru, I don wanna luk back” End of quote! I have no clue what she is going on about! I tend to shy away from human beings who can’t spell… I think I have said this before! But @savvykenya gave me an excellent idea on how to reply such messages… I replied, “Hamna presha!” My intention was for her to get offended and never text me again! She replied, and I quote, “wat are you doin?” HAHAHA!
This next story will cost you 15 Kenyan Shillings. No it is not for me! I need you to run to the nearest shop and buy a sachet of Eno, which is normally 15 bob – 26 bob if you live in Muthaiga and 17 bob if you live in Kileleshwa! Please put the Eno close, we will use it later!
I am going to teach you how to get home using a matatu without paying a single cent! Please be advised, this might go terribly wrong if you are a bad actor/actress!
The other day I found myself in town with 23 Shillings in my pocket. I had forgotten my wallet at the office. A matatu home is 50 Shillings! I had to think fast! It was about 10:14 p.m. I had to get home using my 23 bob! Below is how I did it…
I came up with a master plan… I was going to get home using 15 bob! I walk across the road to a random shop and buy a sachet of Eno for 15 bob. I now had 8 shillings. This was the point of no return!
Now I had to choose carefully which matatu I got into. I needed one with a very rowdy tout and impatient driver! Ok that’s like all of them!
In the matatu I needed the perfect seat for my plan…. And that is the seat right at the back on the far right! That believe it or not is the seat you can cause the most drama!
My heart was pounding so hard the guy next to me could feel it… I think! The matatu started moving… It was time!
I removed the Eno from my pocket, tore a corner and put some on the palm of my hand…I had to do this without anyone watching! Then licked the bit that was on my hand… It was disgusting! I let it froth in my mouth… You have to lick just a little… Anything more will force your mouth open!
I was going to fake an epileptic seizure just before I got to my stage! << This was the plan!
Then my phone rang! It was Jeanette. A friend! I couldn’t talk because I had all this froth in my mouth but she would not stop calling. She has never called me before so I thought it was serious! I had to swallow the Eno in my mouth! Tough times!
She was looking for someone to go have a drink with… I was there, my life on the line and she wants to go have a drink. People can be a bit inconsiderate don’t you think?! Plus I had 8 bob, so that plan was fiction!
I had to start all over again! We were fast approaching Kileleshwa so I had to act fast! I had to do this before the tout asked for money! I took out the Eno and poured a lot on my hand the licked it all… THIS IS A MISTAKE! Eno froths vigorously! We were in Chiromo now and I couldn’t hold it in… It was forcing my mouth open and I had to let it out before I choked to death! I would still get home without paying!
I had to have my seizure at that exact moment! I had no idea how I would get home from there though!
Then I opened my mouth and started jerking hard! I made my pupils disappear behind my eyelids leaving my eyes white and horrendous! The guy next to me freaked out! That is how I wanted it! I jerked more violently! He shouted, “Smamisha, huyu anakufa!” My plan was going on great!
The plan is supposed to work like this: I fake the fit, there chaos for a bit, I come back to my senses the I am set free… Be advised that it will never go like that!
The matatu stops and I am carried out and put on the ground! I had my Zara jacket on – I did not like this…. But I had to get home!
“I am a nurse, I can help!” A young woman walks to me!. Ladies and gentlemen… I was fucked!
“Nani ako na BIC!” She orders!
Someone throws her a pen and she jams it between my teeth! I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THAT PEN WAS FROM MAN! It smelt of ass!
“Someone look for contacts or any information in his bag that can help!” a voice from the crowd! SHIT!
Someone grabs my bag and is fishing inside for Jehovah knows what!
I am still jerking! A crowd is forming around me… I had to keep this up until the matatu left…
he matatu was not leaving!
“Give him space, he needs fresh air!” The ‘nurse’ ordered! “We need to take him to hospital!” she continued! This plan was backfiring on me! I had not thought this part through! SHIT!
“Kuna hosi hapa juu!” the tout suggests!
I am like Fuck!
The tout suggests that the driver goes with the passengers as he and the nurse stay behind to sort the situation out! This was a terrible idea if I was having a real attack but the hell… I needed the matatu gone!
A few seconds after the matatu speeds off, I start coming back to my normal self… I have froth all over my neck… I scared myself even! i sit up and dust my jacket!
“How are you feeling?” The nurse asks!
“ok!” I say with a faded voice…
“Does this happen a lot?” she interrogates!
“Yes!” I answer…
Another matatu comes by and we take it… I pick up my bag but I don’t check inside praying hard everything inside!
“Where is home?” the nurse asks me like I am a child…
“Makueni Road…” I answer… My voice sounding like I am about to die! I love it!
“Ok, I will take you home!” she says…
THIS WOMAN HAD A PROBLEM! SHE WAS TOO CLINGY! I don’t like this!
“Ok!” I say…. my voice…
We get to Makueni and we get off together… She is walking me down the road… I needed a plan to make her go away! I thought of lying that a random gate was home but thought that she would want to come in…. This woman was nuts!
We get to my real gate and I open it; she was right behind me; like she wanted to get in…
“I am home now… Thank you. I appreciate your concern!” I say and shut the gate on her face and walk to the end of the court past my house in case she was peeping to see which house I got into!
And I was home! And that is how you get home with 15 Shillings! Taxing, but bullet proof! Ok maybe not bullet proof!
Fuck! Just got terrible news!