HOW TO RUIN A RELATIONSHIP

Dear Doris,

My enchantment, please do not take this the wrong way. I am never leaving you. This is just for the men out there who are tired of being in relationships and just want out… I am not like that. You are my one and only… And I am never leaving your side.

Before I go into this, I want you to understand a few things.

One: What I am about to educate you in only works for men on women (I wouldn’t know the inverse but it might work)

Two: For you to ruin your relationship, there has to be A RELATIONSHIP! This will not work on a prostitute Even though that too counts as some sort of relationship… I don’t know what I am saying!

Three: Once you start… There is no going back! If you do, you will look like you are completely head over heels over this woman or weak or just stupid.

Four: Do not try this unless you really want out…

Breaking up with someone is not easy… Being broken up with is not either. In fact, being broken up with is the third cause of suicide after job loss and bipolar disorders.

I am about to teach you how to end things, without necessarily breaking up with your significant other.

Step One: The Communication

Like I said, for you to end a relationship, it should already exist. If you two are going through a rough patch, be patient, it will end soon one way or another! Just prepare for it.

Like I was saying, if there is a relationship, there probably is a lot of communication. Each couple has a communication pattern that they have familiarized themselves with e.g. Calling twice a day or texting the whole day, or talking before you go to sleep… END THIS! Dont pick up calls and don reply texts. Just for a day. You will have her by the balls!

Women think on over drive. One simple glitch on the normal process and she starts thinking hard… She will think she did something wrong or you are cheating on her. This is good for us! Resume normal communication process the next day. Apologize… Then do it again the following day! This random misbehaviour will have her think ‘this is not working’ That is what we want!

Step Two: Slap her lights out

Ok, I don’t know how efficient this particular one is because I have never tried it before and I don’t think I ever will but then again you want out! It sounds BULLET PROOF! Slap her tongue in! I know you will be forgiven the first time. So slap her on a Monday morning. Then when things calm down, probably by Thursday… Slap her again for no reason whatsoever!! Unless her dad is a lawyer… In that case, this method is null and void. You will slap her on Monday and will be in prison before Thursday!

I am against hitting women, so this one is all on you man!

Step Three: I love you

The perfect answer to ‘I love you’ is probably, ‘I love you more sweetheart!’ And that is the discipline. There are situations where a man is allowed to answer otherwise e.g. by not saying anything back… If she banged your new BMW or she slept with the neighbour’s son, then saying nothing is allowed. But after sex and everything is fine and mellow and bright and she says it; Say, ‘Yeah!’

This will cause a small fight… Read the papers.

Up to this point, unless the woman is mother Teresa, she will still hold on. Luckily I am ready for women of this nature.

Step four: The other girl

Look for a really pretty woman and make her your best friend. Try getting a prettier woman than you’re woman or just a woman with lighter skin! It will drive your spouse NUTS!

Spend a lot of time with your friend. Spend even imaginary time with her. But don’t sleep with her. I AM AGAINST CHEATING!

Your spouse will be crawling on the inside with rage and jealousy.

NOTE: You are probably wondering where I am going with all this… Please be patient!

Step five: Her weak spot

Is she over weight? Please let her know! I like big women so this will never work for me.

Then add that she is finishing the food in the house. If she is over weight and is trying ‘hard’ to reduce her weight, THE BETTER! In this case tell her she will never lose all that weight before 2069.

You will really break her heart with this one. Please look away if you do not like seeing her cry… Because she will for the next 67 days!

Step six: Reject gifts

If she has lived through all the 5 steps then she really wants this relationship and you should probably tell her you want out and stop hurting her. She is fighting hard for the relationship and will do random things like buying gifts. Reject that watch, and I quote, “have you ever seen me wear cheap a cheap watch! Return that junk!”

Gifting is a major gesture of the want to make things right. If you do this, she will be running out of options!

Step seven: Threaten to slap her again

If you slapped her right the first time she should be breaking up with you right now.

This is what we wanted. For her to break up with you when you were expecting her to… You have been behaving badly and you know it.

Do not try to make her stay. If she came this far, all she is waiting to hear to change her mind is the simplest gesture that will show her you are willing to try. But you have already done enough damage to have her back in your life.

Some women are strong and will still be around after all this… I suggest you pray to your God.

And to women, men give up fast… Hit him once and its over! You will not have to go beyond step two.

It pains me that I am teaching you how to break each other’s hearts.