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I STEAL BOOKS & HOW TO RUIN A RELATIONSHIP

05 Jul

Dear Doris,

It has been so long…. I hate that I have to start all my letters with the shock of how long it has been since we last spoke. The end of this relationship is crawling upon us… You must like that feeling… But You will just have to deal with me until earth burdens my chest! Thats just a fancy way of saying ‘until I die!’

If you have any interest whatsoever in books, then you have probably read The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Consider yourself irrelevant if you have watched the movie (I have watched the movie)! I read a lot, a new book every week. I am currently reading ‘A spot of Bother’ by Mark Haddon. I like it, even though its not as good as his first book ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night’! But this is about Da Vinci Code.

I had not read the book up until two weeks ago when I got a copy from a pretty lady i work with. The book was interesting apart from the annoying fact that since I am one of the last people to read it among my circle of humans, I already know everything about it… But still I read it, carrying it around in my leather bag everywhere I went that week. Even on my escapades to get more books from the street book vendor.

Here is where the drama begins…

I am walking fast… I am late for a fund raising that I have to walk across town to get to! By across town I mean from Globe to Railways Club… Its far!

I get to this place with a lot of books. The guy selling shouting out ‘Fifty vitabu… Fifty vitabu!’ I stop to scurry though the pile. I kept on picking and dropping books… When I couldnt find any book of interest I shot off….

Not more than 100 metres away a man grabs me from the back and says he saw me steal a book…

That caught me totally off guard! I almost shit my boxers!

“Boss, sijaiba kitu!” I said! This is probably the worst line to utter in a situation such as the one I was in!

The hawkers who were close by had stopped shouting and screaming and were now looking at us!

“Fungua bag yako tucheki!” the book guy asked, reaching out for my bag!

I was in the shitter!

I always have a book in my bag… Most of which I get from the same guy! I was about to be guilty of book theft!

“FUNGUA!” he said in a raised voice in response to my hesitation!

A 4 man crown was now surrounding us…

I unzipped my bag and right there was ‘The Da Vinci Code’!

“Maze wacha uizi ndogo ndogo!” The man says, yanking the book out of my bag!

“Nilipewa na dem flani…. Hio si yako!” I tried defending myself even though that plan was just zero!

The book was not mine. So I offer to buy it back…

“Basi niuzie!” I said.

“Rwabe!” He spits! Thats 200 bob. Four times the price of his books. I was desperate. The pretty woman at the office was not going to believe this story if I had gone back to her without the book. So I bought it for 200 bob and walked to Railways Club.

The pretty woman, after hearing my story, let me keep the book…

While I was away, I met two women who find it hard to believe the stories I write to you, Doris. Well, just so we are clear. I have never said/ written a single lie upon these papers… I swear!

P.S – Being accused for stealing a book feels good…

I am going to teach you how to ruin a relationship on my next letter. I promise I will write it today!

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10 Comments

Posted by on July 5, 2012 in comedy

 

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10 responses to “I STEAL BOOKS & HOW TO RUIN A RELATIONSHIP

  1. Odhiambo

    July 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    How did the guy know you had a book? Or did it prodrude…?
    Doris might have laughed at your misfortune.hehe

     
    • mydeardoris

      July 5, 2012 at 4:05 pm

      The thing is, he didnt know. He was guessing! He thought I took a book. 😦 It wasnt my day I guess.

       
  2. mmnjug

    July 5, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Better be accused in a court of law of being involved in Bibliokleptocracy than just theft. See what I did there, I gave book stealing swag! Hehehehe!

     
  3. WK

    July 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    How can one man’s life be so dramatic?!

     
  4. Adell

    July 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    i believe you man, those guys can smell their target!!! pole sana man 😦

     
  5. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    July 9, 2012 at 11:48 pm

    I also have a book in my bag all the time.. currently I have too many books I’m reading I have tried the street ones being hawked yet!

     
    • mydeardoris

      July 10, 2012 at 10:42 am

      That is the way… Sometime I read 3 at a time… I love it when all the characters are mixed up in my head 😀

       
  6. Lee

    July 11, 2012 at 10:25 pm

    Hehehe. Your magnet for trouble never ceases to amuse. Still, stealing books sounds cool.

     
  7. tkimani

    July 17, 2012 at 9:24 am

    Nowadays I have to keep an eye out when I’m buying a book on the street. I also heard that city council askaris show up unannounced and arrest you together with the vendors!

     

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