The Amazing Goodnight!

08 Aug

Dear Doris,

You fail me my love. Still no word from you. You let my heart be consoled by strange women. I received yet another letter. I could not understand a single word said in it but I was happy. Happy that another woman consoles my heart after noticing the tireless effort I input on trying to make you love me again!

It worries me that we might never be in love like we used… It worries me that I might be fighting a losing battle… But I would rather fight the battle anyway. Maybe someday you will realize we were brought to this earth to spend our lives together!

I apologize in advance, for the coming two months will pass with minimal communication because of this huge project I am part of that is going to take most of my time – and that is the Storymoja Hay Festival.

I am writing today about ‘The Amazing Goodnight!’ I am sure every single man reading this at this moment has experienced this. If you have not experienced this then there is something extremely wrong with you!!

Let me create a scene for you:

You are in the club and see this irresistible woman! She is in a tiny red dress and midnight black felt heels… Her hair is long and light and sways with the slightest move of her head. Her waist is slender and her behind worth an effort. Her eye lashes seductively call out with every blink…

You have to have her…

You walk to her… Small talk… You make her laugh… You pound on your chest with pride on the inside… She gives you her number which you save on all your phones and back up on a cloud incase shit happens and you lose your phone…

You do not communicate for 3 days like the typical male Homo sapiens…

Then you text…

‘Hey beautiful?’

She replies, ‘Who is this?’

You reply, ‘Onyango!’

She might not remember… Or she remembers and is playing games… Either way, you have to explain yourself.

‘We me Saturday night!’ You reply…

‘oh yeah. :)’ she replies.

My friend this is how you tell you are about to get an ‘amazing goodnight!’

She will say ‘I am not interested in talking to you right now’ politely. If you have the slightest bit of intellect, you will, and I stress, end this conversation like this or any other way you deem right…

‘Was just checking up on your beautiful self…’

She might say ‘Awww. Thanks’ or just ‘Thanks!’ Do not reply this text… That way you both go to bed happy…

Things will go wrong if you reply tis,

‘oh yeah. :)’ with, ‘so how are you?’

This is like asking the pope about condoms… He has heard everything on the topic!

If you get an extremely rude woman, she will say, ‘I am ok. Nyt.’ That is 1st Degree AMAZING GOODNIGHT! (It is called amazing because it does not call for a response. It ends the conversation immediately)

You might also get, ‘ttyl. goodnight!’ 2nd DEGREE AMAZING GOODNIGHT. (she has given you permission to try again another day!)

Or, ‘goin to bed now. Will call you tmrw’ 3rd DEGREE AMAZING GOODNIGHT. (Be warned that SHE WILL NOT CALL. She has, without mentioning it, given you the permission to call her the next day)

Normally she will be doing something thats evidently more important than talking to you; like, ‘Have to drive my dad to the hospital’ or ‘talking to mum’

Be advised that an AMAZING GOODNIGHT has no response whatsoever. If you receive the the texts or anything near them, do not reply. Go to bed and think about what you are doing wrong!!

Some men will reply though, it is not like we were all born on a dark Friday night! … Be advised that from that reply onwards, you should declare yourself a slave! You just gave a woman enough reason to walk all over you! AND SHE WILL! AND YOU WILL LET HER!

Signs of an ‘amazing goodnight’

  • Shortened words: ttyl, nyt, gdnyt, slp tyt, tmrw, goin, night.
  • Signs of no efforts to write the text: tk kesho, :), 🙂
  • Curt/rude: i am ok. nyt.

But do not lose heart… Amazing goodnights are just a woman’s way of saying ‘I don’t feel like talking to you right now’ it is way better than us men WHO WILL NOT REPLY if we do not feel like talking…

Like I always say, ‘If she had the time to say NO, then she can be convinced…’™

For Brendah


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10 responses to “The Amazing Goodnight!

  1. Mwass

    August 8, 2012 at 8:47 pm

    Awesome piece. Totally true. Lol!!

  2. bee

    August 8, 2012 at 8:57 pm

    brendah is happy 🙂 thank you

  3. mmnjug

    August 8, 2012 at 9:16 pm

    I guess we can say, she has a future behind her….or? For Brendah? You already cheating on Doris with Brendah?? Haha!

  4. Gsquare

    August 9, 2012 at 12:16 am

    Hehe…i guess one of the doris(es) will be asking,Mtungwas uyo gwak/shpleng/gwenda unamuita brenda ndio nani??…

  5. Magi

    August 9, 2012 at 8:59 am

    who are these women you write about?

    • mydeardoris

      August 9, 2012 at 10:10 am

      haha! An average of every 5 women I meet 😀

  6. shiru

    August 10, 2012 at 11:34 am

    Hey, we need to meet up so that you get a chance to write something about me. YES ..that is a dare!

  7. hausofjoy

    August 16, 2012 at 11:01 am

    niceeeeee…… Ian you r witty! typical of me 🙂


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