How was your weekend my sweet? I already know it was better than mine. I spent my weekend deep in thought. Thoughts about you and I. That and a flu from lucifer… and a cough not so far from the same place.
It is just about midnight and I am just from the bathroom… it is necessary for me to go into details just this once… I went to piss.
Like I said, I have a cough, so I have been taking benylyn. Thing is, I was not concentrating on the measurements on the lid that’s supposed to be guiding you on how much to take. I just filled up the whole thing twice and took em… needless to say I am extremely wasted as I type this.
On to my lesson:
This is for men. I do not know how women Do wee wee so I will not get into it.
Men: you know when you are so sleepy but you just need to take a leak? You drag your feet, eyes closed… you get to the bathroom but you don’t switch on the lights for fear of losing that sweet, oh so sweet sleep? You check if the lid isn’t up…you direct the relevant projectiles… and let it go. Maybe it is just me…maybe!
No man is perfect… so sometimes you will get it right… and sometimes… well… you end up weeing all over the place. Leaving the place nothing less than a crime scene…
Here is how to get it right.
Step one: patience
Most of the mistakes a man makes is always because of not being patient… i do not have an example to qualify that but it is true. Wait… look at all the children born out of wedlock… why not just be patient until you get married to have sex… ok ok… do not kill me… ok!
but being patient in this assignment is quite key. Do not rush. Get to the toilet… lift the lead… and the seat…
Step two: positioning
For you to piss right in the dark, very many things need to be in the right place. One being your mind-set – you have to believe you can do it.
Two being where you stand – you have to look your enemy (toilet) in.the face. This just means you have to stand right in front of the thing.
Three, unlike the stereotypical thoughts that you have to aim directly into the toilet… aim on the side… this being the inner walls… and aim on your perfect side… if you are left-handed, aim right… the inverse applies.
Step three: the release
Now that you have the bull by the horn, I advise you not to lose vision(i know its dark and there was no vision in the first place) slow but sure works miracles. I advise you to do a short sample run first… you know what I am talking about… start…. the hold… if you got it right… proceed… if not… re position.
Step four: listen
Do not forget you are in the dark and the only senses you can use are touch and hearing… the others are null.
There are 3 or 4 sounds you should be extremely familiar with.
One:the sound of piss hitting the floor. It’s a flat noise. Like water hitting the floor. Cut the flow and re position.
Two: the sound of piss hitting the lid. Its like pissing on a drum. You will know. Cut the flow, open lid and try again.
Three: the sound of piss hitting the centre console. This is liquid on liquid. It’s the right place but extremely loud. If you live alone, go right ahead… or else you will wake everyone up.
Four: the sound of piss hitting the inner walls… this is what you should be hearing. It is the sound of victory. Its stealth. Its lie a secret affair… no one should know…
Step five: re positioning with dying force.
You know that science experiment in primary school with a bottle with holes in a line the water is filled and you can see the difference in pressure? Pissing works with the same principles… you know what i mean…
Step six: The shake. Do not go violent. Like a gentleman, treat your client like a queen. You have probably heard the saying that goes ‘shaking more than five times can and will be considered playing with oneself’ p.s there is no saying that goes like that… I just made that up.
If you were sleepy and you intend on continuing your dream from where you left off, do not was your hands or look into the mirror. The cold water will erase all the temporary data files in your brain. I promise you. And looking in the mirror in the dark is a taboo… what if you see yourself… the you shit your pants… all your hard work will mean have meant nothing!
I am a strong believer in hygiene… so if you did not wash your hands please place them under your pillow… do not bring them close to your face no matter what… any dream where you are eating good food and licking your fingers should be considered nightmares….
If you suck at aiming… well, clean up behind you… or just switch on the lights (this might not help extreme cases of terrible aim)
I wrote this post on a Huawei tab… this bloody gadget has no auto correct or spell check… it underlines even the correct spellings. You will find terrible spelling mistakes because I am dizzy from cough medicine and no spell check in this gadget.
I am sorry for my terrible spelling and grammar… I aced all my English exams… so you really can’t tell me nothing B-)