18 Oct

My Lovely Woman,

As I type this my mother is shouting my name to go down stairs for devotion… This is not normal because it is 9:30pm… You know too well this is a dawn affair! I am going to go down stairs and find out what is going on… Do not go anywhere…

Just came back up after like an hour.. Nothing serious! Asante Mungu!

Moving right along!

I am running out of things to write to you about! I have been staring at the blinking cursor for almost 10 minutes now! My days were full of drama… Intense drama… At some point in my life I was almost killed by a mob in the middle of town… At another point my brother and I towed a scooter half-way across town… At another point I was running away from the City Council askaris… I have since figured why this is so… I bought a car! All the drama was in the matatus cetaris pharibas. I am sure I spelt that wrong! Its not even supposed to be there!

Please be advised that I am going to milk that point until there is absolutely nothing left… That is me buying a car! I love the way that statement plays on my tongue… That one and, ‘when I was working in the UK’

I still pull that one one and a half years later! EVERYONE who asks me where I have been gets the line smack on their faces! I make it sound like I have just come from the airport… The other day I met one of my childhood friends at the Westlands Oil Libya mini mart! She was buying cigarettes! I was buying gum… The traffic was insane and I was tired of balancing pedals…

“Hi Patricia*” I said with absolute uncertainty because the ass she wielded was not the ass she had  15 years ago… And her mammary glands were, well, mammary glands! These were completely new!

“Ian?” she responded and quickly put her cigarettes in her hand bag like she was hiding them… Clearly forgetting we were not 10 anymore! I smiled!

“Yup!” I answer!

I was wearing my best shirt and shoes so I was sure I was on top of my game!

“Happy new year!” I continue! My father says that a lot so it comes to my head naturally!

She laughs

“You are still funny!” She makes a pass at me…

15 years ago she would’nt have looked at me once let alone make a pass at me… I was the tall skinny kid with shorts that barely covered my thighs while she was that rich spoilt child whose dad and mum lived in Nairobi… We were in Kisumu, so Nairobi was a big deal! Yeah… I said it!

“haha!” I laugh with absolutely nothing to tell this woman!

“So where have you been all this while?” She asks… She woke up the monster! I have this conversation all planned out!!! AL PLANNED FUCKIN’ OUT!

“Nowhere interesting! Been working in the UK. Just came back! Where have you been?” I answer like I was there from 1997! Be advised that I was there for less than 2 months!

Did you notice what I did with my answer? I answered and bounced the question back to her like ‘been working in the UK’ was not that big! HAHAHAHA!

“Wow! What do you do?” She asks… Here is where I was sure I had her by the balls… I am this middle aged, attractive young man who is doing well… Trust me… That is evident from my shirt!

To her question, ‘what do you do?’ I normally answer, “I am a graphic designer!” But when I notice the awe in your eyes by how well you think I am doing… I go like, “I am an artist!” hahahahah! Which I am! I just looking like I earn loads of money from not doing much… I do not by the way… So wipe that look off your face!

‘Ongoro’ – Here I showered for four years straight… I am not in the picture so stop trying to find me!

We are now walking out of the mini mart… Talking about the past! She is walking towards the bus stop and I have to stop her…

“I am parked the other side!” BAZINGA! The little things that excite me…

“Oh, ok!” She answers…

“Where are you headed? Maybe I can…” I start… She doesnt let me finish…

“Town!” She says… “You?” She asks…

“Kileleshwa!” I answer like I own a house in that area…

“You live in Kile?” She asks.

“Yup”, I answer! Intentionally forgetting to mention that I live in my parents house…

We part ways… I leave this woman with such skewed information… I feel bad inside for a little bit… Then it hits me I did not tell a single lie… I put on my aviators and speed off… IN MY CAR!


Posted by on October 18, 2012 in barding tales, comedy, women tales


Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

18 responses to “JUST GOT BACK FROM THE UK!

  1. Mauko Ese

    October 19, 2012 at 12:05 am

    In you car! Since you bought the car…

    Ha! Nice read Ian.

    • mydeardoris

      October 19, 2012 at 11:41 am

      hahaha! They see me rolling…

  2. Phibby

    October 19, 2012 at 9:27 am

    hahahahahahahahahaah make my my days…..:)

  3. Ngatia (@ngatts)

    October 19, 2012 at 9:30 am

    Well played sir, well played.

  4. Ronoh

    October 19, 2012 at 10:50 am

    Haha. Dorris is going to get insecure now that you have a car. All the girls will be hitting on you.

    • mydeardoris

      October 19, 2012 at 11:42 am

      Doris knows no woman comes before her… 😀

  5. Chef Fatuma

    October 19, 2012 at 11:04 am

    Will Doris catch feelings? Whatever happened to cigarette-hiding-booty lady? How much do city council officials actually want to put you behind bars? All these questions…It must be resolved…it must!!

    • mydeardoris

      October 19, 2012 at 11:43 am

      Those are like 15 posts 😀 Answers zitakam!

  6. mmnjug

    October 19, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Oh,it feels good to pull that line…… Oh and you can milk it for all it’s worth and some more…..and then some more……….!

  7. smartyannette

    October 19, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    Hahah! 😀
    For some reason I totally enjoyed this post… couldn’t wait to share and like and leave a comment.
    Nice read!

  8. Bizstler

    October 19, 2012 at 9:17 pm

    For them to be called mammary glands then they must have looked really great!

  9. D.od

    October 20, 2012 at 9:09 am

    si heri u and ur car and ur 2month job in UK lol…. making us luos very proud cuz:)

  10. mshi

    October 21, 2012 at 10:56 pm

    Doris is finished now! Uk swagg, the new car, kwisha!

  11. KEN

    October 22, 2012 at 1:24 am

    i can imagine that Eastlando one ‘nijeyaz mtu nguyas kutoka ubuy moti umeanza kufeel sucrose zako tu ni ma”momo” wako na mammary glands, hakuna ngori kizee wa kwangu..pia mimi nitavaa mammary glands nikienda gikosh”

  12. boyfulani

    October 22, 2012 at 3:56 pm

    Hehe. Well played out.

  13. Project44

    November 9, 2012 at 10:54 pm

    Yeah! You have milked that one,in this post i tell ya ! Nice post.
    Stumbled on your blog….will visit more often.

  14. Newts

    January 10, 2013 at 11:11 pm

    Hahaha! Awesme


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