Surface Area to Ugali Ratio

26 Oct

My Dear Doris,

I am growing old… I hope it has hit you that you will lose me one day! The letters will stop coming in and the phone will never burst out in song and dance to my calls again. Ever heard of the saying, “You never know how much you have until it is all gone”? or something close to that… My Doris, you will miss me when I am gone… You will weep on my grave and wish me back… But with all that earth smack on my chest, there is no turning back… This is not a threat… Pick up that pen and reply all these letters… For if I pass on without your letters, I will come back to haunt you, and my dear, you shall write 10 letters on the daily until I am convinced I have read enough…I love you!

The other day at the dinner table I caught my mother looking at me eat with her mouth open, dumbfounded! You know that face your parents wear when you tell them you are pregnant? And you just cleared kindergarten? Yeah, me neither… But this was pretty close!

“What Mama?” I ask…

“You are going to put all that ugali in your mouth?” She answered in a concerned voice, pointing at the ugali I was holding with her eyes!

I looked at the ugali I was holding…

When the food is cooked there is no need to wait before eating it. ~Kikuyu Proverb

It wasnt that big… Ok maybe it was… I have to admit, I was perplexed by the size of that ugali too… It has never hit me before! It was a quantum from a basketball… Ok maybe I am exaggerating a little bit… It was just under the size of a base-ball (this just means it filled my clasped palm).

“If you continue like that your girlfriend will leave you!” My dad says… He too had been watching!

“Look, compare it to this!” He added and pinched a bit of his ugali! His could fit into mine 8 times very comfortably!

I was embarrassed!

“But I don’t put the whole ugali in my mouth! I bite it like 3 times!” I stand up for myself! Which is true! I HONESTLY bite it like 3 times!

“That’s a sign!” My mother says and gets up. She was done eating! She is walking slowly to the kitchen!

“A sign?!” I ask.. “Yes… That something is wrong with the size of the ugali you are holding!” She says. She is in the kitchen I can only hear her voice.

“We have to talk about it!” She adds…

Felt like I was in trouble!!

But you see, I can explain where this BEHAVIOR arose from! Let me explain!

Apart from being a man, I have more detailed reasons!

I went to Barding Secondary School… The only thing in this school were students… You had to imagine everything else…

Let me not hate, I love that school… I mean loved! I hear nowadays it has showers and a new laboratory!


At Barding we did not have a dinning hall or anything of the sort! We ate under trees sitting on logs… If you all the logs were taken, there were stones… If you did not like sitting on stones, you would eat standing…

Being a school in the middle of nowhere, the food ratio depicted the same… A huge chunk of ugali with a slight idea of skuma wiki with loads of skuma wiki soup! thats on days we had ugali, which will be my point of reference. We also had 2 pieces of meat twice a week… But that is not for today!

Our lunch break or dinner break was just below 15 minutes… Which is just bullshit compared to the amount of ugali you had to deal with (STANDING).

Are you seeing where I am going with this?

In Form one you eat last. Meaning you have even less time to finish your ugali! I know you must be asking yourself why I am stressing on finishing the ugali… Well, in the middle of nowhere, if you get food, you finish it… Anything can happen! So you better have a full stomach so if anything does happen, you have enough strength to walk 15 kms to the main road! Was it 15 or 30… no clue!

So, my point is, under these situations, the ugali you pinch out of the mother ugali should be at least an eighth of it. You save time. Do this for four years and it sticks… continue doing it after the four years and, well, there is no hope!

There is a day my parents came home from shagz – arriving in the dead of the night. Normally, there is food on the table for them – that day, I had finished all the ugali!

I need help!


Posted by on October 26, 2012 in barding tales


Tags: , , , , , , ,

4 responses to “Surface Area to Ugali Ratio

  1. Ghost Reader

    October 26, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    This story doesn’t feel complete, ?

  2. mmnjug

    October 26, 2012 at 3:35 pm


  3. mzalendo

    October 31, 2012 at 5:22 am


  4. hausofjoy

    December 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    lmfao! kucheka tu!


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