5 Cops & A Virgin

29 Oct

My Diamond Doris,

I have improved my flower… Not a week has passed since my last letter. Thoughts of you would not let another second pass. I have just read the last letter I wrote to you. I want to apologise for my stupidity. I was not serious about the threats. I made fool out of myself and proved unworthy of your love… I hope this apology finds your heart like you found mine!

I have a head ache. It is not like any headache I have had before. It has been going on for 3 days straight now. It is not strong, so it is very easy to ignore it. My love, I might be dying.

My fuel light has been on since Thursday last week. I am yearning for drama. The thing just won’t stall!

I left the house early today for work… My alarm went off after when I was having breakfast…

On my way to work i meet about 6 traffic cops. It’s a very short distance to work, so 6 is on the higher ide. A random cop is always walking around the Kileleshwa Police station. Most of the time he is buying maize or just dizzily walking around thinking of all his problems… 2 are always at the Chiromo bus stop! These are the trickiest ones. I am coming back to these ones, my story lies there.

Another two random cops are always at the Westlands roundabout, one of them, more often than not, a woman… Spending your day in jail, as you can see, can be arranged with no effort… Lets go back to the two niggas at Chiromo cops stop.

These cops have piki pikis so there is no escaping these ones!

Scene 1 Act 1

I am listening to a gospel CD I just got. Something has always told me nothing goes wrong when you are driving and jamming to some praise and worship jams. That something has been right… Until today!

I get to Chiromo and I am pulled over! Normally when this happens, you quickly go through a list of what might get you into shit* before the cop gets to your window!

I go through my list… I was on the phone, I have no ‘life savers’, I have no idea where my spare wheel is, I have no clue where my driving licence is… I have never had an ID, I am not  wearing my seat belt, I can’t remember when my insurance is supposed to be expiring so it might have even expired! And my fuel light is on… I am not sure if that is a crime or not!

As is, I deserve a life sentence…

The man walks straight to my insurance sticker… He looks at it for a little while then walks to my window! My heart is now on the back seat… I am so lifeless!

“Fungua boot kijana,” he spits… I oblige!

I was in the shitter for sure!

The boot slams shut!

Then he comes to my window! I was waiting for him to read me my rights!

“Unafika Westlands hapo roundabout?” the uniform asks with no shame! I am currently in a state that does not allow me to be a bitch… “Ndio boss!” I answer… Praising him!

He walks to the co driver’s side and gets in!!!!


“Twende!” He orders… The balls in this man were just amazing!

I had graduated from fear to anger! I was about to hit a cop (exaggeration kidogo)

“Ebu rudisha volume chini kidogo!” He orders… I oblige!

My leather bag was placed at his feet… He takes it and places it on the back seat… I was going to ram into the truck in front of us and kill us both! He had reached the nerve that comes after the last one!

I can’t speed because some stupid truck in front of me and I can’t overtake because of… because… Wait, why didn’t I think of this?!

We get to Westlands roundabout and I am pulling over…

“Unafika Sarit?” he asks just before I stopped…

“Yezz!” I respond… “Haiya, tuendelee…” He mutters!

Just before we get to Sarit he spits, “HAPO!” I styop right in the middle of the road as the man ordered…

“Kijana, nani alikufundisha kuendesha???” He asks, disgusted…

I almost answered, “Your mother!”

I could not wait for this man to get out of my car… He smelt of bananas and spat like a platypus with every word he said!

I was right in the middle of the road and I was not going to move until this man came out! I had had enough!

The Platz behind me is hooting senseless! Which was more annoying!

The cop is rooted on his seat waiting for me to drive to the side of the road!!!

“Shuka!” I say! I have no idea how it came out… I thought I had said it in my head! The Platz behind me was stroking my last nerve!

The cop is now looking at me bewildered!

“Ebu nipe lizens!” he says sticking out his hand!!!

He had played a winning card!! I was screwed!

“Toka nikupe!” I was now seducing trouble! I was fuched either way!

The fool comes out! I don’t understand human beings!

Something told me to speed off… I did not!

“Sina hapa!” I answer!

“Nimechelewa. Niende?” I continue!

There was a tiny demon that was just going on and on!!!! I was being an idiot but I could not stop myself! It scared me! I was still in the middle of the road! The Platz behind me had managed to go round me… It stopped next to me and its windows rolled down to reveal an extremely unattractive woman. I couldn’t see her face but her silhouette was just irregular! She drove off…

“Bahati yako… ENda!” the cop spits!! I did not understand this one bit. I was being an idiot and he let me get away with it! Something was not right… There was a warp on the law…

OR maybe it was just my gospel music 🙂





Posted by on October 29, 2012 in near death, random, Uncategorized


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

14 responses to “5 Cops & A Virgin

  1. Lee

    October 30, 2012 at 6:55 am

    Hahaha.That was too easy. Keep playing the gospel CD otherwise the sequel to this post might be written from jail.

  2. Fearless Nazirite

    October 30, 2012 at 7:13 am

    i liked this post…but seriously, stopping in the middle of the road na umebeba cop hehehe ..that was funny…..

  3. Magi

    October 30, 2012 at 10:15 am

    the virgin being the ‘EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE WOMAN’ ?

    • mydeardoris

      October 30, 2012 at 10:17 am

      I don’t see how possible it is for anyone to dig its lips!

  4. mmnjug

    October 30, 2012 at 11:48 am

    Ian, I am still looking for the virgin cos I don’t believe it’s the lady in Platz……. Hahahaha!!

    • mydeardoris

      October 30, 2012 at 12:04 pm

      She is in part 3… Stay tuned! HAHA!

      • mmnjug

        October 30, 2012 at 2:58 pm

        Hahahahaha! Yet, even “The surface area to Ugali Ratio” post came out as incomplete….. pending issues nini nini…… Oh well.

      • mydeardoris

        October 30, 2012 at 5:50 pm

        Why do people think it was not complete… IT WAS 😀

      • mmnjug

        October 30, 2012 at 6:20 pm

        Hahaha! The way you ended that article, if I may paraphrase and use a cliché, left a lot to be unravelled.

  5. Margie

    October 30, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Irregular silhoute?? Seriously, you are such a hater. I love your rhythm with words, thoughts and reality.

  6. Soniisugar

    October 30, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Hahaha! Shuka nikupe? Balls of steel!!

  7. steveoyugi

    November 1, 2012 at 4:33 am

    Boss funga mlango, kubeba karao? Nooo… Nice post,

  8. jordans for cheap

    November 22, 2012 at 10:57 am

    Its such as you learn my thoughts! You appear to know a lot approximately this, such as you wrote the book in it or something. I believe that you can do with a few percent to force the message house a bit, however other than that, this is fantastic blog. An excellent read. I’ll certainly be back.

  9. Lourdes Leipert

    November 27, 2012 at 1:07 am

    Hey sweetie from a girlyfan maintain the awe inspiring work


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