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Shiko & The Bedroom

02 Nov

Dear Doris,

I should not be writing to you at this time because I am stealing into my office hours. I am risking losing my job with every key I punch… My love for you is vast… Colossal… astronomical… boundless and capacious! Comprehensive, detailed and endless… Measureless… Not a single word that I have just googled can express these feelings Doris… Can’t you see?

I know what went through your mind immediately you read that title… Sex! Right? Which is not a sin… If you look at it critically, we owe this tiny segment of the house a lot. Considering you were probably made in one and you probably made your children in one or trying to ~ the cycle is vicious!!

Ok. I do not know what I wanted to achieve when I started this post like that!

The bedroom can be used for a number of things… A quiet and private place to rest… A place to sleep… A place to work and or work out… And most importantly… A place to coit! I am thinking if coitus is a noun, then coit must be its verb!

Moving on!

I have a theory on making babies who you want them to be before even you decide to start making them! I am straying from what I wanted to write about but this is important!

I highly believe in orientation: Setting the chill’s mind to a particular career… I am not making sense… Even I don’t understand what I am going on about!

For example… I believe that if you want your child to be a teacher… Try coiting on a teacher’s table!!! (I will be using coit & coiting  a lot so it is better you get used to is now).

If you want your child to grow up to be a chef… TRY THE KITCHEN COUNTER. Are you seeing where I am going with this? Probably not!! If you want a wrestler or weight lifter or just a pumped up kid… Try coiting in the gym… As in, give this baby a future right from the beginning!

If you want an astronaut, I suggest you try IT in a space ship, which explains extensively why there are such few astronauts in the world… Not all of us have access to NASA right?

If you want a surgeon, try an operating bed… I could go on and on!

So if your child is doing terribly at school or is just plain annoying as shit… Go back into time…. waaaayyyyy back…. was it in a toilet booth? That man you met at the club who sent your juices rushing so fast you could not wait to get home and decided to coit in the toilet?? I want you to think hard!

I don’t even want to start thinking how pathologists are made… And do you know why we have so many Business students graduating from our universities? Office romance! Coit in a prison cell and chances are you will be working your ass off to bail your child of prison for the rest of your life…

But that’s just my theory… It holds no water… But still, think about it!

Normally when I walk into my bedroom, the first thing I see is the full length mirror… The first thing I see is literally myself walking into the room… This normally triggers a tiny jester in my mind… I burst into dance…. Normally no the dance you are comfortable doing anywhere else… This is supposed to be a private room… So you do a dance that is never supposed to be seen.. EVER!

Most of the time I make my own beat… I then start shaking my body to my own beat…. If it gets deep into my head… I remove my shirt and throw it on the floor.. You know… like a stripper… I HAVE NO CLUE WHY I AM TELLING YOU ALL THIS BY THE WAY!

Then I remove my belt… and swing it violently round my head… Then I stop and change into my pjs… I don’t go too far because someone might be watching… I am extremely sure God is watching so I never want to embarrass myself! This was up until the other day… My normal routine… Take off the jacket… Then the shirt dancing vigorously forcing my eyes to see a six-pack that’s barely a pack!

Then I see something move outside the window…

My curtains were wide open… My house is directly opposite a few houses… You could read the book I am reading from across the court and here I was dirty dancing in front of a mirror being watched by hell knows who!!

So I quickly turn off my lights and draw the curtains, leaving a little space to spy on the spy!

I notice the shadow of a woman… I can tell its a woman because of the hair… It was either a woman or a man in a wig!

This person must have been watching me for years!

My heart was on my lips! I start going through the media files in my brain… How intense have I ever gotten… Did this person have recordings of me doing all this and would one day reveal them to the press one day when I become president??? SO MUCH TO PROCESS!!!

That was all the evidence I had. A female shadow or a man in a wig….. So basically I had nothing! It could have been anyone!

From that day on, I look at my neighbors straight in the eyes! Without blinking or looking away!! The first one who will burst out into laughter is the pervert who has been watching me dance…

Just before I leave… I had a whole post on how Kikuyus nickname themselves. I have sat and thought in length about whether to post it… I would look and sound extremely tribalistic which is not the case! So I have decided to shorten that post and add it on to this post. Having a whole post on Kikuyus will not look good… I am no tribalist and I keep on saying it… I apologize if anyone thinks so after this:

THE POST:

Before I go any further, I would like to make it clear that I am not a tribalist and whatever I am about to write should not be termed as tribalistic. I am a Luo man and I am about to write about a few things Kikuyus do… You know too well that these two communities are in constant quarrels… Worse yet, now that elections are coming up and Luos are calling Kikuyus names and Kikuyus calling Luos names ceteris paribus (spelt it right this time). I am not going to call Kikuyus names… I am going to call Kikuyu them names that they call themselves…

I am going to get into so much shit seeing how many Kikuyu women I know *cough* *hiccup*

I like padded yelo yelo women! In my part of the world, Kikuyu women have that covered! Please refer to this as many times as you can as you read this.

I have never understood the science behind how Kikuyus shorten their names!! You all get a new name all together! Like for example, Muthoni…. The normal way to shorten that would be Mutho, or Thoni or just Ni! Yes? How in the blazes does Muthoni become Soni??? I totally get the ‘ONI part of it but where did the ‘S’ come from??? This would totally put the dichotomous key in problems!

One of my biggest fans is called Soni and she will kill me!

I also have another friend called Wangari… In fact, she helped me with this post! So you Kikuyu who wants to yank my tongue out… Yank Wangari’s out first… She is the disloyal one!

Wangari becomes Kare… Surely!!! Again another letter from absolutely nowhere near the name itself… Totally ignoring that maybe it could be ‘Ngare’ or ‘Wanga’… Wait, I have a feeling ‘Wanga’ means something in Sheng’. No?

Wanjiku. I do not know any Wanjikus. If you are a Wanjiku and we know each other you should not worry, I will probably remember in the morning! So Wanjiku becomes Shiko! One of your ancestors adored the letter ‘S’! It is everywhere!!! If I was the one shortening this name, I would have put it as, ‘Njiko’ or ‘Wanji’ but the latter sounds like ‘Manji’ Which is not so bad considering your name will sound like a famous biscuit brand!

You are the only people in the world who will see Wanjiru as Shiro. Again with the ‘S’!

Wamboi becomes Foi and Gathoni Noni…

I don’t know any more names… I smell a witch hunt after this… So if you want to kill me, my weak spot is my left pinky toe. Shoot it with an arrow and I will die instantly!

 

 

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11 Comments

Posted by on November 2, 2012 in big beautiful women, comedy, sex

 

Tags: , , , , ,

11 responses to “Shiko & The Bedroom

  1. Leslie

    November 2, 2012 at 6:48 pm

    hahahaha …I’ll be kicked out of class this time.ebu start looking for a hideout

     
  2. mmnjug

    November 2, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    Wait a min………. The “coiting” post is incomplete………..then you lock on to kyuk names? Only you Ian, only you! I know Doris will definitely need an explanation who Soni, Shiko, Shiro and Foi are…… brace yourself bro…….

    This “..As in, give this baby a future right from the beginning!….” killed it. Wah!

     
  3. Alex

    November 3, 2012 at 10:56 am

    This was so bloody brilliant! You must do a follow up on the peeping neighbour, and if possible release the video of your strip tease (I’m looking for it on youtube as we speak…). Bloody, bloody brilliant!

     
  4. Martha Massawe

    November 4, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    h

     
  5. Maureen King'ori Wambz

    November 4, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    here i was thinking it was major tribalism… as a kikuyu, i don’t get it either. and tall skinny you dancing in front of a mirror? 😀 😀 😀 #DEAD

     
  6. Soniisugar

    November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Haha! I’m yet to understand how Muthoni ended up to be Soni! Or worse still, how Nosh can be a derivative of muthoni!

    The dirty dancing, though! Ever thought of going professional?? * hides*

     
  7. Sok Noni

    November 23, 2012 at 9:42 am

    First of all I would like to say awesome blog! I had a
    quick question which I’d like to ask if you do not mind. I was curious to know how you center yourself and clear your mind before writing. I have had a hard time clearing my mind in getting my ideas out. I do enjoy writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes tend to be lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or tips? Cheers!

     
  8. belinda

    April 6, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    haha. very true. i am wairimu and i still dont get how it is shortened to nimmo.

     
  9. Carol Scholz

    January 29, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Genius!

     
  10. Wirley

    February 4, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    lol! Ian! you are amazeballs! I have just been told; rather lame but kinda makes sense that when you shorten e.g Wanjiku, its Njiku, say it over and over and somewhat that “nj” becomes “sh”….so Shiku! voila! mystery solved! 😀

     

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