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LOCK JAW SYNDROME AND HANDCUFFS

06 Dec

Dear Doris,

It worries me that I go silent for like a month and you are not phased at all by it… But you know what Doris, I don’t care anymore. If love conquers all, then it shall conquer this. I believe the love you had for me the second we met still lingers in some deep, really deep abyss in your heart… And one day, you will be overcome by it… And you will find your way back in my embrace… Love conquers all Doris…

My jaw hurts like hell! So I googled what might be causing this pain… After extensive research I decided I was coming down with TMD which is just temporomandibular joint disorder. The causes of this disorder are extensive opening of the mouth and vigorous mastication among other manenos… I almost pissed my pants when I saw vigorous mastication… It does not look or sound right! What would I be doing vigorously masticating! Mastication… Apparently its chewing of food and has nothing to do with masturbation! Then right at the bottom of the page was *Might be a sign of heart disease* WHAT THE HELL!! What does your heart have to do with your jaw??! Under the treatment section was *surgery* SURGERY WHERE??? My heart, my jaw? My toe? They don’t tell you. Way to break news to someone who might be having heart problems…

Moving on!

We have new traffic rules in Kenya… I will not tackle all of them… But the most interesting one is the Traffic Department has been abolished… This simply means that any cop Tom, Dick and Kamau can pull you over! As in you might be driving, minding your own business… THEN… A Navy Seal stops you to ask if you have a First Aid  box! Do we have Navy Seals in Kenya? Thats not the point… But I hope you can see where I am going with this…

I knew my day was going to be dung immediately I realised I had forgotten my wallet at home! This was yesterday! A bus almost rammed into me at the Chiromo Junction and I had temporomandibular joint disorder… As in all my cards were bad! This was yesterday morning… On my way home at about 8pm, I was stopped by a random cop. He could have been from the National Youth Srvice for all I cared! Before I go on, let me list what I could have been arrested/charged for:

1. I did not have my driving license

That’s it…

The first thing he asks… “Kijana nionyeshe fire extinguisher!”

As in????!!! This man’s priorities were skewed… shouldn’t you be checking if I am licensed to operate a motor vehicle first?! Or maybe just name your price!

I don’t have a fire extinguisher…

“Sina hiyo. Sijanunua!” I answer.

“Hehe! Kijana haujasoma sheria mpya!?” He asks…

Please be advised that in the new laws HAVING A FIRE EXTINGUISHER does not exist!

“Ebu leta liscense” He adds…

I don’t have that either!

“Sikubeba afande…” I answer knowing very well I have 24 hours to present it at my nearest police station.

Did you catch me on the papers? Yes.... I shall milk IT!

Did you catch me on the Saturday Nation?
Yes…. I shall milk IT!

 

At this point, I can see another cop walking towards my car from behind. In my head all I can think about is THE BRIBE IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP!

I hope you can remember I did not carry my wallet and The only money I have is the 10 bob that’s normally under the radio that I use to scratch airtime cards! This law enforcer was not going to get anything more than that coin…

“Nanusa pombe… Kijana ebu toka kwa gari!” He says and yanks out a pair of handcuffs from the back of his pants! Be advised that the fine for DUI is up to 500,000/- Thats my salary like 500,000 times!

I was not drunk… In fact, the last time I took anything with alcohol in it was two weeks before that moment!

This man was out to get me… My heart was somewhere in my shoe… Clearly this man could not see that I was suffering from temporomandibular joint disorder and I needed to get home and rest…

I step out of the car and I am hand cuffed! I had no idea why I was being handcuffed… I really wanted to start a fight but I did not have the strength… Plus I needed a story, so I wanted to see how it would play out!

“Tumekamata mwingine” The cop shouts at the other cop who had stopped to pick up a phone call!

“Andikisha!” The other cop shouts back. His voice was hoarse. Deep and threatening. His voice alone sent shivers down the back of my legs… The movie Nairobi Half Life was in my head… I was going to be shot and a plastic gun put in my car…

This was not the way I had planned to die… Crushing in my private jet on my way back from Venezuela maybe… But NOT NAIROBI HALF LIFE STYLE!

“Sasa tutafanyaje?” The cop asks me… I MEAN YOU HAVE MY HANDS CUFFED>>> WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN TUTAFANYAJE!

But I was humble and powerless… I just looked at him blankly…

“Jina yako nani?” He asks as he signals his friend on the phone to hurry up!

“Ian” I answer…

“Mama yako alikupea jina moja?” He arrogantly asks… A voice told me to bite off his ear and spit it out on the cold tarmac…

“Ian Arunga!” I correct myself!

“Omera Ijaluo (You are a Luo?)??” He asks with a stupid grin across his face…

“Ee…” I answer… This was my way out of this mess…

“Ijaluo makanye? (You are a Luo from where?)” At this point, he is so excited he can’t stand still!

“Alego!” I lie!!! Thats where I went to school…. In Alego!

“Anbe Bwana! Dak niwacho (Me too Man! Why didnt you say so?)?” He continues… “Dewasetiko chooooooon! (We would have finished a long time ago)” He is spitting on my face with every syllable!

“Kare gol gini wa! (Then get this thing off)” I say with a fake smile!

“Rit matin jal cha ema ni gi ofungu! (Chill, that’s the guy with the keys!)”

He says and points at the other cop who is still on the phone!

We talk for a while. Guys driving by looking at us funny. A cop and a hand cuffed man chatting up laughing loudly. The scene was just wrong!

The other cop finally finishes. He gives me a cold look and un-cuffs me…

“Jadha kare gol ane chai wa!” He asks for money for tea without a shame in the world!

“Sani an marach bwana! (I am broke)” I say and get into the car…

“Haya, onge rach! (Ok. No worries!)” He says as I drive off…

I get home and we are having prayers on thanks giving.

 

 

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12 Comments

Posted by on December 6, 2012 in my car, near death

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

12 responses to “LOCK JAW SYNDROME AND HANDCUFFS

  1. insane butterfly

    December 6, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    this was worth the wait!!! Laughed until i couldnt breath.

     
  2. mmnjug

    December 6, 2012 at 1:28 pm

    “..A cop and a hand cuffed man chatting up laughing loudly. The scene was just wrong…” Wrooooong on so many levels….. Ha!!

     
  3. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    December 6, 2012 at 2:13 pm

    He he.. I think your parents’ prayers may have helped you out there.. P.S. you’re quite the well dressed gentleman. Thinking I may just have to grow bigger and yellow then I can fit Doris’ profile 🙂

     
  4. gsquare94

    December 7, 2012 at 12:09 am

    been too long…
    the dholuo convo just did it!
    good read.

     
  5. gsquare94

    December 7, 2012 at 12:10 am

    hahaha…
    iyo dholuo convo….smh!

     
  6. D.od

    December 8, 2012 at 6:11 am

    i wish I saw that, lol

     
  7. Pablo West

    December 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

    Officialy now a member…great piece!

     
  8. Pablo West

    December 10, 2012 at 11:57 am

    Hey try this, it could be worth your while. http://www.pablowest38.wordpress.com

     
  9. Anonymous

    July 9, 2013 at 11:21 am

    you and traffic cops what did you ever do to them

     
  10. mich

    January 29, 2014 at 12:19 pm

    hahahahaha loved it…

     
  11. Ruth

    January 30, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    you’ve got me rolling n roaring in bed with laughter, even forgot for a while that am on sick off. Not temporomandibular joint disorder for me though, i guess am lucky.

     
  12. mnkatha38

    September 7, 2014 at 9:55 am

    Haha this has made my day for sure

    You’ve got good talent and you always make hard situations in life seem funny and that’s the motto, it’s never that serious. Every day is new and different

     

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