07 Jan

My Lovely Doris,

This is truly a breath of quality air… Just the fact that it is  a new year and I still have you is truly a blessing that flows beyond the wildest imagination… Happy New Year…My love for you is wilder than it has ever been…

I have tales upon tales upon tales… I don’t even know where to start… I have been unfair, not sharing them as the unfoiled… But baby, the network at the bottom of Oyaro Hills in Kanyamfwa leaves very little to work with…  Here is what I will do, I will tell you what happened today then will tell you about the rest later this week… Si that is a plan?

My fuel light has been on since December 23rd 2012. I have just been testing my Lord with every inch that car has moved… He has been giving me signs though… To fuel… Deep in my heart I knew I was going to get stuck somewhere… Deep in another part of my heart, I wanted it to stall… I wanted to see how far I can go on ‘E’.


Somewhere in Awendo…

The last sign God threw at me was a random gas station attendant asking me, “Hauweki leo?” right from across the road… This is the Shell petrol Station in Kileleshwa… I just waved…

The cop at Chiromo pulled me over… I think these men sat down and discussed and thought it right to pull me over everytime they saw me…

I quickly looked around inside the car and spotted the fire extinguisher and the first aid box… I was ready for the LAW!

“Kijana songa magari zipite…” he ordered because I stopped right at the Junction… Its a naughty trick… To make everything stop…

Long discussion and bribing process short, I gave the guy the last 1,000/- bob I had… Maybe ‘last’ is the wrong word… I gave the guy the only money I had, which was 1,000/= I was getting late for work and the LAW has its ways…

Literally 100 metres after the Chiromo Junction… Dead centre of Waiyaki way, middle lane… My baby stops… The trailer the was behind me almost re uniting me with My Lord… The world was moving so fast… I was so shocked my heart beat remained normal… As in it was shocked beyond beat… I couldn’t open my doors because cars were speeding both sides… As in, I was waiting to die…

A woman in a small car sped by and showed my the middle finger and almost stuck her tongue out… I couldn’t stop to think how she would behave in a big car… or just a normal sized car… Her ego somersaulted and backflipped all over the place… I had problems, but the b* was not one…

“Learner… Jifunze kwa estate” The trailer driver that almost killed me sput as he drove past…

So here I was suck in the middle of a highway with no fuel or a single cent to buy some more… Wait… I have lied… I had 40 bob somwhere under the handbreak lever…

There was no way in hell I was going to push this car… Because (1) I am wearing very expensive shoes and (2) I WAS NOT GOING TO LET A SINGLE SOUL SEE ME PUSHING A CAR… That spells out suffering! I am too fresh  for that…

I had only one option… One major option with very many tulittle options in it… I took it…

I came out of the car and got out my fuel jerrican… Locked the car and went straight for the cop I had just bribed…

“Boss, nimekwama hapo mbele na sina pesa ya mafuta… Nipee 500/- nikanunue” I said like he was my father and he had no choice… The man was completely gobsmacked! It looked a bit weird the cop handing me money… He did not have change, so he had to give me the whole 1,000/- bob. He looked like he had just swallowed a lemon and pooed a brick…

Walking to the petrol station and fueling the car with cars zooming past is a tale in its own…

I made it to the office in time… Everyone was like “Happy New Year Ian”… I was like, “yeah!”

Happy New Year Folks…

hii ni ya Ayimba.


Posted by on January 7, 2013 in comedy, near death


Tags: , ,

9 responses to “LAW IS WAR

  1. Lee

    January 7, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    Eh! That hiatus did you good. This was worth the wait!

  2. mmnjug

    January 7, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    Watch that police guy….he’ll demand back his “assistance” from you next time plus interest! Lol!

  3. Nia

    January 7, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    Wow wow wow… How I’ve never managed to read one of your posts before is a complete wonder but this post had me falling out of my seat laughing. Eh Ian you have a gift and a crazy life might I add lol. I’m such a fan of you.

  4. adikinyiAdi

    January 8, 2013 at 1:15 am

    I have been waiting for a post.Happy new year to you.You made me smile as always
    I will wait like Jannette ikz

  5. Pauline

    January 8, 2013 at 10:43 am

    Warrrrr! Ian you are just the winner…this has me on the floor but that cop will come for you. Hoping to read more from you this year. Love the pic.

  6. Jocelyn

    January 9, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    You actually had the cajones to ask for you bribe back… LOL good 1

  7. makagutu

    January 15, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    hahahahahahah! now that is craziness pushed to it’s limits lolest

  8. Brian ombongi

    February 2, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Ts been long since i heard from you…..havent you missed me?

  9. mnkatha38

    September 7, 2014 at 10:28 am

    I am becoming such a fan, you’ll be the end of my mbs and make me buy a power bank, yet am using a HTC that doesn’t isha charge


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