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‘SHIT’ and other short stories!

10 Jan

My Doris,

Before I go any further, pouring out my heart to you, I would like to warn you… In this letter, I will be saying SHIT a lot… If you are going to be offended; instead of sitting there twitching and aching; then stop now.. Dont go any further than this POINT…

SHIT!

MY Love, It’s just about 7:00 p.m. and I am still at the office, not working late, but thinking about you… The only thing that’s making sense in my life right now… The man sitting next to me is listening to music I don’t like, so I asked him to use earphones… I don’t think he quite understood why I asked him to use earphones because the music is still blasting through his earphones… Do you know how annoying it can be to listen to someone’s music through his earphones even though you are seated like 700 miles away??! AND ITS SHIT YOU DON’T LIKE :/

Enough bitching…

I want to understand why it is so OK saying feces in a Biology class but everyone around you squeezes their butt cheeks together immediately you say SHIT! I am talking about the people I asked to stop reading at the beginning of this letter and are still reading on, squeezing their butt cheeks together every time I write SHIT!

But this letter is not about SHIT… It is about what SHIT can do? I am not talking about SHIT as a situation i.e. ‘shit happens’.. I am talking about the REAL SHIT, as in dung, ejecta, excreta, feculence, ordure, feces, cow pies, plop, droppings, fertilizer, guano, manure, meadow muffin, ordure, crap… AS IN THE REAL SHIT!

Lets pause there for a second and allow me to build for you a scene…

You probably know by now I went to Barding Secondary School… Don’t bother googling it… You will just end up with ‘Did you mean boarding Secondary School?’  I mean that in a good way… Plus turning up on google search results is too mainstream…

We had no water or electricity for the first 2 or 3 years I was there… We (all the students) bathed in an abandoned gold mine called ONGORO that had accumulated water through the years! Being a small school, in a far far far lands, you have probably deduced that everyone in at least a 10KM radius used the water at Ongoro…

I am approaching the SHIT!

Ongoro - My friends and I

Ongoro – My friends and I. Paradise

By everyone using the water I mean bathing, swimming, cooking washing, SURFING – hahaha. The livestock met at Ongoro everyday for a pint… By the way livestock piss and SHIT where they eat and drink…

Can you smell the SHIT coming…

With the little knowledge I need you to have to understand the weight of this matter, you have probably deduced that niggas caught typhoid… and probably died… But that is not my focus…

Come back to TYPHOID…

Google it… Done?

If you click on the very first result, which is probably Wikipedia, you will see this:

Typhoid fever, also known simply as typhoid,[1] is a common worldwide bacterial disease, transmitted by the ingestion of food or water contaminated with the feces of an infected person, which contain the bacterium Salmonella typhiserotype Typhi.[2][3]

Let us stop there for a glass of water…

Now I want you to answer this question for me… Have you ever caught Typhoid? If you know you have… It is ok to fall sick… and most of the time, never YOUR fault…

I just want to make it clear how you come to contact with the disease… You get it by INGESTING (not smelling, not through sexual intercourse… NOTHING) food or water contaminated with feces… As in… You catch typhoid from eating SHIT! SHITS thats from a person who has typhoid… Who ate SHIT too… It is a vicious cycle!

Are you embarrassed? Don’t be!

I have caught typhoid numerous times… I think I am even immune to it by now… Blame Ongoro… But I am proud… You should be too…

The first step to recovery is ACCEPTANCE…

You are healed from the second you accept you have been ingesting SHIT!

ACCEPTANCE!

On a much lighter note: I forgot my glasses at home… I scratched 3 cars between my gate and the office… Lesson: Ganda la mua la jana chungu kaona kivuno.

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11 Comments

Posted by on January 10, 2013 in barding tales, comedy, near death

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

11 responses to “‘SHIT’ and other short stories!

  1. Nia

    January 10, 2013 at 9:13 pm

    LMAO!!! Hahaha I don’t even know what to say. I almost shit myself laughing lol and I’m not even afraid to admit it

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 10, 2013 at 11:45 pm

      hahahaha…. Stay tuned… Hotter ones pon di way!

       
  2. Savvy Kenya (@savvykenya)

    January 11, 2013 at 8:13 am

    I’ve had typhoid, twice I think. You don’t say I ate shit!

    But I blame that KU boy who took me to eat in their dingy ‘village’

     
    • mydeardoris

      January 11, 2013 at 9:55 am

      Hahahaahaha… I am guessing he did not take you to Sankara!

       
  3. OTIENO B.C.

    January 12, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    Boss if Doris doesn’t fall of laughing at this then dump her. By the way how/why you managed to squeeze in the ganda la mua methali I cannot fathom..haaaaa haaaa

     
  4. makagutu

    January 15, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    This is hilarious and for a moment I recalled time in high school when our water pump would break down and would go to the lake to shower and laundry, fortunately for us, no one contracted typhoid neither have I 🙂

     
  5. magungaw

    January 20, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Omera, I am from Maranda High School…and we also used to fetch water from the pond at Nyapietho! A slimy green concoction of cow dung, student’s dung. piss and everything else shitty! I know that all too well…but that was before wuod Odinga helped us get piped water from River Yala!

     
  6. Brian ombongi

    February 2, 2013 at 9:25 am

    A day hasn’t passed that i havent checked if you’v sent another letter….now 20 days have gone without hearing from you.did you die from cholera?

     
  7. Vee

    February 8, 2013 at 4:37 pm

    LMAO IRAN!!! Madness

     
  8. Gaya

    March 23, 2013 at 5:22 pm

    I think this shit Arunga

     

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