I have a husband

09 Feb

Dear Doris,

My life has never been the same since the day you walked out of it… How I would love to say I am ok without you and I don’t care what’s going on with you…. I would be lying to myself if I said I will stop loving you! Among the few impossible things… That is one one!

My love, there has been a few changes at work… I am not in the creative department anymore… I have moved to sales and marketing. Please close your mouth, I was dumbfounded as well when I heard the news… That is why I haven’t written in such a long time… I have been busy in the field making deals, selling and seducing retailers to stock our books… Doris, you know I work for a publishing company right?

One thing I have learnt since I changed jobs, SELLING BOOKS TO AFRICANS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK! A very minute percentage of the black human beings surrounding you read for pleasure… A shocking percentage do not read a single storybook/novel after high school… Someone once said, “If you want to hide money from an African, put it between the pages of a book.” I work for a company that fights to see that change… A reading nation is a winning nation…
On to more brighter things…

There is an extremely thin line between selling and flirting… They probably mean the same thing… Flirting is selling yourself right? I might be wrong…
This becomes tricky when it comes to my new JD… Which is selling…
The other day I was at this shop I have been trying to get our books into for ages… I was so close to giving up when things took a wild turn…
I hadn’t noticed I had crossed the line…

The manager at this retail store is an Indian woman… Lets call her Priya… So Priya is the rudest female I have ever met… Her sentences are short and drive daggers to the heart. She has chased me out of her shop twice… As in those ones for, “get out!”
I had to change how to approach this harridan!

“You look amazing in white” I said… I caught her complete attention! The shop went silent… I said it in a rather loud voice… But there are some things, even if whispered, cleaves through whatever noise… Like this one.

I could tell I caught her off guard… I couldn’t just bring up, “please stock our books” right after that… It had to be seamless… “Thenkyu… How can I help you today!” She answered. The staff at the shop were shocked. You could tell this woman had not been kind for a while.

“I can tell you how attractive you are for hours… Because you really are… No doubt!” I said… No matter how thin that line between selling and flirting is, it’s so clear when you have crossed it… And I had… It was now awkward… But I came here to make sure our books are at this shop, and I wasn’t folding! “You never give me time though..” I continue… Priya is slightly beyond her 30s… She is short and modern. Her jet midnight Indian hair natural, sleek, almost like the tail on a unicorns behind! She spends most of her days in anger… You can tell from the prominent folds on her forehead. Her hips are full… The rings at the back of her neck sky rockets her dowry price in Luo land… Her breath smells like nido milk powder…

“You accuse me falsely…” She says… Her cheeks are now crimson…
My brain was on overdrive trying to figure out how to cool this whole inferno down…
She helped out, “so you need your books on our shelves?” She asked…
“Yes… What can I do to have that?” I ask… A bit confused… But I was still on top of my game in case she lost focus…
After a short chat she says she will think about it… We exchange business cards… Mine still said, ‘design manager’
I get a text later that evening….

“I will stock your books but we cannot continue like this. I have a husband!”

I had felled two vampires with the same wooden stake… That’s just means killing two birds with the same stone in a fancier way.


Above is Macklemore, Ryan Lewis AND MY COUSIN OWUOR… Yes my cousin plays with Macklemore! #Braggadocio


Posted by on February 9, 2013 in comedy, random, women tales


Tags: , , , , ,

11 responses to “I have a husband

  1. Densu Moseti

    February 9, 2013 at 12:25 am

    Loved this to bits!

    • mydeardoris

      February 9, 2013 at 12:34 am

      Densu it’s past your bed time… 🙂 and thank you. My spelling has improved… It is the borrowed iPad

  2. gsquare94

    February 9, 2013 at 12:55 am

    washana na bibi ya muidian…endelea kuuza vitabu!
    btw where is Mtunguyas?!..bado hajachora?

    • mydeardoris

      February 9, 2013 at 12:57 am

      Haha… I will text her and ask…

  3. steveoyugi

    February 9, 2013 at 8:24 am

    I love this piece Ian, well done.

  4. adell

    February 9, 2013 at 9:49 am

    Nice one, ati crimson…what colour is that? Is it in the colour wheel? Lol?

  5. Pablo West

    February 9, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Hehehe I don’t know how u do it. Cool stuff. As a marketer I’m sure you’ll get this part.

  6. OTIENO B.C.

    February 11, 2013 at 11:51 am

    Haaa haa! You were about to add compe to her alreay busy life..It seems you were the first man to calm her anger.

    By the way ati “jet midnight Indian hair..” hiyo ni gani sasa? Kwani you know how midnight looks like, kuna jet midnight, ya mwizi etc…Ain’t sure Doris will understand this (I don’t even know I do! Me thinks that’s a brand of hair colour-dye)

  7. Linda

    February 11, 2013 at 2:38 pm

    Lol!! Ian!! wiyi rach!! Lol!!

  8. nm

    February 12, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    Made my day!

  9. mnkatha38

    September 7, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    Haha how can he be your cousin? He was brought on AM Live


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