matanga abrupt!

02 Apr

Dear Doris,

How are you mon cheri? I have missed you. I say this in all my letters, I know, but its is for real this time and like 86.3% of the other times… I was thinking about you on my way to work this morning… The thoughts were so vivid… And every time someones rings my door bell, I pray to God its is you before I open… More often than not it is a neighbour. The one with big eyes! Asking for bonga points! That is how you know you did not wake up in Kileleshwa.

It has been a month now since I moved out. Writing this is proof that I am alive…

Every Sunday afternoon there is a colony of beggars knocking on my door with forms and all the problems in the world… This woman came up at about 2pm wailing throwing her hand frantically! “Tafadhali nisaidie mtoto anakufa!” I could not say no… It is hard to tell if it is a lie or not…

Two seconds later a group of young girls ring the bell… Each holding a piece of paper and a pen… Their English was excellent… “Good afternoon sir. Please donate whatever little money you have to the Kids With Heart Problems Foundation…” Not exact words but it was something to do with kids with heart problems…  Then another and another until I had no money left… So I was giving them drinking water…

But that is not my story…

Easter was long!! So everyone on the road was on zombie mode… Ok maybe just me!

So I get to the Haile Selassie roundabout and I am on the inner lane… But I am going straight ahead… I was on the wrong! This cop jumps in front of my car… This was completely unnecessary!! It was suicidal of him to pull such stunts… I don’t think he knew I am blind and could have easily NOT seen him!

“Heh, kijana… Unajua makosa yako!?” He asks! He was so annoyed!

“Najua. Pole” I say… I look least bothered… This was going to get me into trouble… So I wear a sad face…

“Wapi lizens! Kwanza ebu ingisha gari pale!” He spits pointing at the pavement! I do not know what he had just asked for… What is this ‘lizens’ business they keep on asking for!!? I follow the order… Then I walk up to him… He is ignoring me…

“Arunga! Nyinyi ndio wa CORD!?” this nit asks after picking my name off my LIZENS!

“Ngoja tu hapo ntakuandikisha…” he says and walks back to the roundabout!

10 minutes:

“Kijana, mimi nataka kukusaidia. Siwezi kukuacha ukufe ama upelekwe Kenyatta” he says… By the way Kenyatta is a hospital!

“Naelewa…” I say with the face of a widow…

Long story short…

This man gets into my car… he is reeking of body odour. He asks for 25,000 bob or he takes me to court where I will pay double that!

I burst out into mocking laughter…

“Niandikishe bas!” I say… There was no way I was going to give out a 25,000 bribe… Thats like for rape cases or murder… not DRIVING ON THE WONG LANE!

“Haiya uko na ngapi?” he asks…

I had given  the beggars all my money so I have 27 bob…

“sina” I answer… Which was honest… Sounds a bt rude BUT honest!

“Haiya anza kuendesha twende station!” He say… I drive!

I don't know who did this. I like it non the less...

I don’t know who did this. I like it non the less… 

“Hauna hata kidogo?” he pleads!

It was evident he was beneath me…

“Haiya leta 5000” this man was so funny!

“I say niko na 3000 na lazima twende atm!” This was probably the biggest mistake I have made post Easter. He would have taken as little as 500!

I go to the KCB atm opposite GPO with him riding short gun… He asks me to drop him where I found him after I give him the money!

I followed orders once again… These are the people who WILL FIND HOMEMADE GUNS IN YOUR CAR AND 50 kilos OF HEROINE! So I drop him…

On the way there he gets a phone call… I don’t know what he was told but this guy just starts wailing! For a split second I thought the three thousand I had just given him was too little and that is why he broke down! I did not know whether to stop or continue driving… As in there is very little you can do when you have a wailing police man in your car!!

I am not a bad person, so even after this man had just extorted money from me, I showed concern…

“Nini mbaya!” I asked… The man is now deploring at the top of his voice. I stop in the middle of the road and turn on my hazards… Cars behind me are hooting like it’s a one way street… It was like four lanes!

“Nini mbaya!” I order!!

“kijana wangu… haki kijana wangu!!” he kept on repeating!

Long story short… The man had just lost his son! It was sad, I do not refuse… But I was in a very weird position… The people outside the car dont know that this man had just lost a child, so all they can see is a grown man in uniform weeping and wailing in the car… For all I know, they might be thinking I am kidnapping the man!

Things were elephant! This cop refuses to leave my car… And he refuses to shut up! Not in a bad way…

I do not move my car… Then without warning this cop sparks at me,”Nini wewe, nirudishe ulikonipata!!”

I am caught off guard, the guy freaked me out, and you know if you are freaked out driving a manual car, more often than not, the car goes off… As mine did…

The cop jumps out of the car in anger!

“chukua namba yangu, ukipata kitu kidogo unitumie inisaidie matanga!” he says before he harassing a bus driver!

I do not understand human beings!



Posted by on April 2, 2013 in comedy


12 responses to “matanga abrupt!

  1. Linda

    April 2, 2013 at 5:27 pm

    LMAO!!!!! Eiy!! Iano, this has just made my day.
    How come these people choose you?? Lol!!

    • mydeardoris

      April 2, 2013 at 5:32 pm

      haha! I should narrate it to you live… This is not even half of it! haha!

  2. bee

    April 2, 2013 at 6:46 pm

    How come you are always commiting traffic offences?

    • mydeardoris

      April 2, 2013 at 6:59 pm

      It was only this one time… The rest of the times its uchokozi!

  3. Pablo West

    April 2, 2013 at 10:01 pm

    hehe change your name my guy, its a jubilee year. ian njoroge would do!

  4. Lucy Machuma

    April 3, 2013 at 7:59 am


  5. kaLucy

    April 3, 2013 at 8:54 am

    by an automatic car please…… hahahahahaha, ma day is perfect just laughing and thinking why the cop was wailing in ur car… coz it died before u resurrected it and moved…

  6. Soni

    April 3, 2013 at 10:25 am

    Hahahaahhahahaha Ian you’re a drama magnet:):) Very hilarious post-thanks for making my morning:)

  7. mmnjug

    April 3, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Ahahahaha!! Whaaaat? What is it with you and cops and traffic offences…..

  8. hausofjoy

    April 3, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    hahaha..always unlucky with cops. bt he paid for his sin hhehehe!

  9. Mswaki

    April 3, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    Hilarious! Utamtumiaje kitu kidogo willingly yet he had already forced some from you? Haha

  10. mshi

    April 9, 2013 at 9:46 am

    Yup! That’s us officers! We r wired to be strange-and wierd!!


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