16 May

Dear Doris,

How have you been you beautiful woman? I have missed you… That is no lie… I have missed you in unimaginable immensities! That last statement barely makes sense! Are you well… Have you found love… I hope not… Because I still believe God’s main purpose of creating you was to be mine, as true the opposite! My English has become worse! I am guessing grammar!

As I write this I am watching Hope Channel at my parents house. This information is absolutely irrelevant.

It has been almost 3 months since I moved out. In those 3 months I have made random friends and learnt random things. This is my journal:

The toughest hurdle once you move out is FOOD! I can cook pretty well but I am used to opening a cupboard and finding all the spices I need and opening another and getting the cooking pan and maybe reach out behind the gas cylinder for the tomatoes and onions… When you move out, you have to buy all these things… I have set out to go buy a frying pan mare than four times… I always come back home pan-less! The pan I really like is about 5,000 bob! Until I will be comfortable spending 5 grand on a fuckin’ pan, I will come back home pan-less!

This was when I was in Old Trafford, Machester. I am an Arsenal die hard... But Do I not I get rid of my enemies if I make them my friends? (Abe)

This was when I was in Old Trafford, Manchester. I am an Arsenal die-hard… But Do I not I get rid of my enemies if I make them my friends? (Abe)

I have travelled far and wide looking for the best alternative for food… As wide as back to my parents house… I have just had the best chicken in the world for dinner by the way! The closest I have come to a solution is Tuskeys. They sell food… This was the perfect solution until I discovered I really hate their food. No offence yo!

I consulted friends and relatives UNTIL I found ALICE!

Alice is a random Madaraka resident with a vast talent in making chapatis. A woman who can make chapatis is a woman, I believe, who can rule the world… Alice makes chapatis WITH FUCKIN CARROTS! AND CORIANDER! I enjoy these bits of perfection immensely! I bought 40 chapatis on Monday! Less than half of those still stand! Alice takes your number and texts in the morning to ask how dinner was and ways she could improve her services… I believe if Alice was a plus sized yellow woman with a PhD in psychology, I would have probably asked for her hand in marriage… I insist on a PhD in psychology because I would love a woman who can read my mind… One who always knows when I want chapatis… Not too much to ask now is it? An intelligent woman is a sexy woman…

JUDITH is my househelp’s name! Yes I have a househelp, these nails are not for domestic chores… She is extremely funny! No, I take that back… She laughs at everything! Is this the opposite of being funny? She loves pizza… SHE cancels out the LEFTOVER in LEFTOVER PIZZA! This one time she ate half a large perri peri chicken pizza… The next time she came, I locked the fridge and carried the keys to the office… My brother came back in the evening and found the fridge unlocked… I think she has a master key! I dont lock the fridge anymore, I have since discovered my mother did not raise a MCHOYO!

Just to set things straight, the beautiful woman who gave birth to me is also called Judith… It is this particular Judith that I have tattooed on my chest and not my househelp…

She does not make my bed because she says I make my bed better than she ever would… She is a conniving one this one!

AGGREY is my plumber! THE MAN DOES NOT SHUT UP! We had guests over the other day and the toilet ended up clogged! I called Aggrey late in the night to come analyse the situation!

His first comment – “The blockage here is quite flabbergasting!” I had to hire him! He is on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week… He uses complex words like aberration and irascible and vicissitudes all of which he uses to explain why there is a blockage or leakage! He is intelligent but drinks like a deep sea fish! He has come to fix my bathroom staggering before… Yes, so maybe I have more than a few plumbing issues!

One time after he was done fixing the toilet, he asked me for drinking water… I found this request very confusing… I have very few glasses… 12 to be exact… This man had been inserminating the loo for the past hour and I would just comfortably hand him one of my glasses?? I gave him a glass of cold water… If I was a plumber, I would love to be treated in the same manner…

I forget that I do not live here and will have to drive miles to get home… So allow me to stop here my love… I cannot promise to write soon. I get to busy at times… But in my mind… You will always be there!

You are beautiful… I am thinking about you… And I will always love you…




Posted by on May 16, 2013 in comedy


Tags: , , , , , , , ,


  1. Teddy Kipkemboi (@teddykip)

    May 17, 2013 at 10:24 am

    5,000 ON A Pan????? kwani inakuja na pan cake

  2. Lydia

    May 17, 2013 at 11:29 am

    You should not go so long without writing to me…..sorry, for a minute there I assumed my alter ego.

  3. Juliet Maruru

    May 17, 2013 at 11:31 am

    @Teddy, been in a pan shop lately? Nothing for less. Ukienda kwa blacksmith wa soko pengine, you’ll get something for 1300/- Only thing Blacksmith anafungua kazi saa nne asubuhi na anafunga saa kumi. Good luck with that pan.

  4. samuel onyango

    May 17, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    The 5k pan is quite normal as I discovered,but one of the greatest impediments to cooking is discovering that you actually have to go grocery shopping…agony!so much agony.

  5. Kenn Frames

    May 24, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Great blog i must add and quit an easy read…Kudos on your en-devours….Kindly check out my blog on and we bloggers lets keep the fire alive!!

  6. Kawi

    June 22, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    I don’t know how I have never seen this blog before. I don’t understand. I have never like actually laughed, you know the real kind of laugh, when reading a post. Eeeh hands down Ian. Totally feel you on the moving out bit. if it’s not the cooking apparatus (we all want those huge expensive non-stick pans), it’s the grocery shopping and the time to do the cooking meeh! The Alice’s in our lives make it much simpler…hehe I think cooking chapo’s is such a process…ai! It’s never that serious.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: