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ALEXANDER MUGE

28 May

My Lovely Doris,

It is only thoughts of you that keep me alive and warm… The image of you residing at the back of my mind keeps the blood pumping in my arteries. I have no idea how far I would  gone without us ever meeting… Things might not be going as flowery between us as I promised… But be sure that I would rather be on the rocks with you than on flowery meadows with anyone else…

I am typing this on my new Galaxy S4… I will give you a second to chew on that one…

Also as I type this, my ‘on the go’ mechanic is working on my break pads and linnings, so all my tires are all over the place… I am at the office by the way. This does not look good. But life is wayyyyy above PR so all these weird onlookers will just have to calm down and let my brakes get did! Donge!

RANDOM INTERRUPTION: My Galaxy S4 has just alerted me that I have a meeting in 45 minutes.

I want to introduce my friend Alexander Muge to you.

Alexander Muge is almost as tall as me but skinier… So he looks like he is taller… He hasnt cut his hair for 3 years but it is short… Just below an inch… It is thick and is brushed backwards… It looks terrible but he says the women in Fedha Estate like it because he looks like Jommo Kenyatta…

Alexander Muge has a phone called Tecno… It has a metal casing! That is the only phone I have ever seen with a metal casing and it has a camera that is so bad you cannot see your face or anything for that matter on the pictures it takes… Below is an example of what I am talking about:

This was taken at a Sauti Sol concert in Carnivore sometime last month... During the day by the way!

This was taken at a Sauti Sol concert in Carnivore sometime last month… During the day by the way!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alex is single… And is not looking for anything permanent. He says he came to Nairobi to look for how to get money and not vise versa… He likes dark tiny women with short hair! If you know me, you have probably deduced that this is the exact opposite of what I like. He says he feels safe being my friend because I will not look or want his tiny women…

Remember the blind date I went to sometime last year with some two ghetto girls and some dude… Alexander Muge was the dude.

Alexander Muge says proudly that he LOVES cheap liquor… His reasoning: He wants to be able to drink whenever he wants; mid month, end month, Tuesday etc and he wants to be able to afford it… His preferred brand is KK… He explains this is not Kenya Kane but Kenya King. He says no matter how cheap he is willing to go, he does not do counterfeit. Kenya Kane apparently is a Kenya Cane counterfeit…

I gave Alexander Muge my old phone, which was a Galaxy Mini. It is not the best phone, but compared to his Tecno, it is the future. I taught him how to sync his emails and how to use Whatsapp and other little things that blew his mind! From the day I gave him the phone, he no longer texts me… He sends me numerous emails instead! He will go like:

“Please call me.
Warm Regards,
Alexander Muge

Sent from Google Mail for Android”

But this is not what I wanted to say about Alexander Muge… This is the main feature!

Alexander Muge went to driving school sometime last year. He hates cars though… He has never driven a car since he stepped out of his driving school exam. So he asked me the other day if he could drive me around to boost his skills!

I was not sure about this request because of a few extremely genuine reasons:

ONE: This boy went to driving school in Eldoret. Nairobi is a whole different ball game!

TWO: I was not even sure if he was telling the truth that he had been to driving school. Alexander Muge lies like a sailor… Is that how the saying goes?? Yeah!

THREE: My car has a few tricks you need done when driving… You know those cars that have special requests? Like, you have to skip the 3rd gear because its faulty and you have to pump on the clutch twice blah blah blah!

FOUR: It seemed appropriate to add a fourth reason for no reason!

I was looking for a Dear Doris story and was like, fuck it!

We were leaving my house in Madaraka going towards Nairobi Hospital down Mbagathi Way…

The car bolted and went off when he started… I chose to ignore this. This was going to be a powerful story!

WHen we got to the Madaraka roundabout I held my breath… It was too intense I almost farted! He was driving VERY SLOWLY! It was about 4pm so traffic was building up… You can imagine how many motorists were hooting at  him… He kept his calm… At least he could drive..

He maintained the first and second gears… All that went through my head is the amount of fuel he was burning!

He did very well up until we got to the Ngong Road roundabout when he got a phone call. Do you remember that fart that almost ripped when we started… Well…

He picked it up…

“Hello… I am driving!” He said! He looked like he has always wanted to say that… He kept on repeating it…

“Yes I got your text… I am driving”

“Can I call you later… I am driving!”

Then when we got to Daystar a cop in a motorbike showed up on his window! The guy freaked me out… For a split second I thought it was me who had been busted talking on the phone…

Alexander Muge did not stop… As in he did not stop talking on the phone or driving!

I knocked him and asked, “Omera itimo ang’o?” *You guy, what are you doing!*

“Omera ling” *You guy shut up* he replied and went on…

THEN

Alexander Muge just started shouting on the phone…

“I HAVE TOLD YOU SO MANY TIMES NOT TO CALL ME WHEN I AM DRIVING! DO YOU WANT ME TO CAUSE AN ACCIDENT!!!?? WHAT IF A POLICEMAN ARRESTS ME!” He was shouting!

The cop was still at his window! He did not stop! He turned to the cop and handed him the phone!

“PLEASE TELL THIS WOMAN HOW DANGEROUS IT IS TO TALK ON THE PHONE WHILE DRIVING!!!! I HAVE TOLD HER SO MANY TIMES BUT SHE HAS SO MANY PROBLEMS… PLEASE TELL HER HOW YOU ALMOST ARRESTED ME TALKING ON THAT PHONE… I AM TIRED OF HER!!! TIRE! TIRED!”

The cop at this point was so confused! He had Alexander Muge’s phone and you could hear a woman on the other side of the line going like…

“ALEX!! ALEX!!”

Finally Alexander stopped the car and stepped out to talk to the cop…

He came back in the car after a few minutes… The cop came to his window and they exchanged numbers as they laughed!!

When I asked him what he told the cop he said, “ng’e ji dipok ikonyori CBD ka!” *know people, you might help yourself here in CBD* That is the total direct translation. Alex refers to Nairobi as CBD!

And to end: Alexander Muge has been my friend for as long as I can remember… He is a good friend… And I got his permission to write this.

When I am out I meet numerous Dear Doris fans who I keep on promising to dedicate my next post to… I can’t remember a single name right now. There is this one girl I met last Saturday at a party… I remember I met you but I can’t remember your name… Next time, write it on my hands or something!

This one is for you…

and for @kammiemukami

 

 

 

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11 Comments

Posted by on May 28, 2013 in comedy

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

11 responses to “ALEXANDER MUGE

  1. Alex

    May 28, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    “…I am driving!” Classic Doris!

    This is so bloody hilarious!

     
  2. mshi

    May 28, 2013 at 2:35 pm

    It’s called quick thinking 🙂

     
  3. LinaO

    May 29, 2013 at 8:30 am

    LOL. As always, too funny.

    http://marchlessforsure.wordpress.com/

     
  4. mmnjug

    May 29, 2013 at 9:14 am

    Alex is driving, but does he say? Haha!

     
  5. E_V_D

    May 29, 2013 at 10:12 am

    Hilarious piece.. I believe the saying is.. ‘curses like a sailor’

     
  6. Soni

    May 30, 2013 at 1:53 pm

    I don’t laugh at stuff easily but you Ian,you make me laugh real hard:) Very hilarious piece!

     
  7. Beatrice Nyariara (@BeateWN)

    May 30, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    Lol! I am loving Alex, tell us more about him in the next post

     
  8. Walubengo

    June 21, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    Hahaha!! Omera…My 4th Estate Friend was driving!!

     
  9. woolie

    June 25, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    You probably heard this before but I’ll say it anyway..Tafadhali issue a health warning with your posts…They are way too funny. Thanks for a brilliant laugh….

     
  10. Anonymous

    July 8, 2013 at 4:57 pm

    hahaha…funny.nice piece

     
  11. mike

    August 19, 2013 at 11:26 am

    hahaha u med ma day….

     

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